Reckless. almost

I live a life where nothing seems to go right. im 19 in college and confused. as i’m sure alot of you can relate. but here’s my story if you’d like to hear i dont think anyone will hah but here it is

I moved to a school full of rich kids that hated me. that judged me and tried to fight me. for the longest time i felt so ugly in my skin i couldn’t bear it. the only friends i had were sluts and they ruined my reputation by association.  at 14 i had my first kiss and lost my virginity within the same year. during that time i was abused by guys from 20 to 24 in things i didnt understand. my friends turned on me. they chased me around the school trying to fight me. im not a fighter. they told me i look like the grudge. with a perimeter of eyeliner around my eyes ratty hair and pale skin. that i looked like a starving kid from sudan accept albino to never wear shorts again because of my chicken legs and to fill the fuck out and come back to highschool. the grudge thing stuck till i graduated. my first boyfriend called me up one night told me he was moving accross the country. i told him i wanted to say goodbye. he was already gone. the next time i saw him.. yr or two later. he raped me in a sense. i say that because it isnt real to me. none of my life is. i became reckless got in trouble with cops continuously kicked out of my house angry and in search of somthing. between fights with my sister who was on drugs or with my family. i got kicked out the day i got hit by a car. then two days later. i felt worthless. i then dated a guy that elimated whatever remainder of friends i have they gave me an ultimatum. him or them i cried. they chose for me. he controlled my life. changed my number twice wasnt allowed to speak to guys.. couldnt wear jeans.. couldnt even stay at my friends who were chicks houses.. they had to come to mine. i had to take a picture of a clock and a part of the house he knew to prove i was home.. mind you i did nothing wrong to him. i was with him for two yrs on and off. during that i got hypothermia and cell damage in my foot… cuz he wldnt let me inside i lost my job that following week. he cheated on me with 6 girls. i found out this past christmas. i ended it then. since then ive slept with one guy. recently. because i was scared.. i didnt think i could emotionally handle it because at this point i have finally gotten the confidence and happiness i was supressed off. finally felt like a person and i didnt want someone to take it away. i made a mistake. i made it twice. i was hopeful till he called the other night trying to get me to do his friend as well. today i lost my bestfriend. not like lost lost.. but we are no longer. because i slept in the bed of a guy she liked after yelling at her in the bar when she was defending her sister when i was in a fight with her sister.. cuz i drunkenly stayed at her sisters exs house. im an alcoholic.. maybe.. i drink weds thru sat and some mondays but i didnt think any of it was a big deal.  now im loosing my friends. the people i need. to not rip myself apart when im alone. its going to be hard. and im constantly reminded that im a helpless human being. im messy i dont know how to cook i dont drive.. no licnese. cuz im scared from being hit by a car.. im afriad of everything. everything. and everyone thinks im a great opportunity to get to know to deal with to live with. till they get to know me and realize im a human tornado..  and i just keep fucking up

im not proofreading this so forgive me