That’s all I feel like i’m doing by writing this.. Just screaming into an empty void. No one’ll really care, I’ve never bothered to tell anyone about how I feel. All my life I’ve gone by unnoticed by most everyone I’ve met. And most likely if I ever go through with any plans to end my life, there will be no warning, and no “poor me” notes left behind. These urges that rush over me have manifested because of this lifeless existence I live in everyday. I do NOTHING. I sit in my chair, in my basement all alone where I contemplate this sick, fucked up world. I hardly ever talk to people anymore, most of my friends have left or just forgot about me. No one would hire an 18 year old, let alone one who smokes weed (like I have anything else to do with my time). Lately I’ve been trying to quit it in hopes of the slim chance that maybe, just maybe, possibly… Someone would hire me. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time something worked out in my favor though. Doesn’t matter, time is indifferent to our struggles and problems. What happens is only caused through actions and foresight. I have prayed so many times to any kind of divine omnipresent being to take me out of existence, to just put an end to my life… And as you can tell, no luck so far.
In a crowd, you couldn’t tell that my only desire I feel anymore is to not feel at all. I suppose I just keep it inside. It surfaces when I’m alone. I almost enjoy the emptiness now. As if some sick part of me WANTS to feel this way. I can’t even remember how I got this bad. It just sorta happened I guess. One minute I’m in high school, the next, it’s november, and all I do is hang out at my parent’s house all day.
Addiction has more than likely played a factor in my condition. Alcohol is like a magical ailment that is always a step out of reach for me. Heroin sounds like such a wonderful thing… Maybe I’ll try it sometime. Overdose the first time i use it. That way I don’t prolong any kind of pain that heroin addiction would cause.
Therapy is for the weak, so are recovery centers. If you lack the willpower to overcome an addiction, then you deserve to be destroyed by it. If it destroys me, then so be it. I have become indifferent to life. It’s just so bleak that I hardly see a point in trying anymore. Just give up at 18 years old I guess. This is as close to a therapist as I ever hope to get. The idea of telling all my inner thoughts to another human being in person frightens me. I guess that’s it… Please no “you need to get help” comments, I’ve already stated once how I feel about seeking outside help.
1 comment
you are just eighteen years old. I could be your grandmother! My parents would have charged me rent & why would I even want to live with them. I left; no, Take a walk. Just try one single thing that gets you out of that chair no matter how small it may seem. keep writing because it can help to get it out when no one else wants to hear. Don’t sit there until you’re almost 60. THAT would really suck. Good luck.