Internet,
My story begins Christmas eve of 8th grade, tears and beers, uncovering the lies my cheating, alcoholic father had spewed. Until this catastrophic event I had remained a fairly innocent child, ignorant to the pain of the world. My father never drank which I found strange until the discovery of his demons and fight with booze. But that’s a different story… That night deviated me from the path I rightfully deserved to traverse. It sent me spiraling down a steep hill of anger, self hate, addiction, and confusion. 8th grade was very tough. Fighting depression and neglect (my parents being too involved with their own issues) I had difficulty connecting to other kids. This had never been an issue but quickly became what I have known and felt for the past 6 years. During that year, as I recall vividly, there was a time when all of my alleged “friends” got up from our table and moved to the one directly next to it. As I followed, they reversed and moved back, I was not wanted. This became reoccurring theme in my life.
I was treated for depression in those early days and I used to cut myself to alleviate the stress and because I thought that I deserved to feel pain. I went to an all boys catholic high school with only one friend. This very same friend was lost because he didn’t want to associate with the pot smokers. Which leads me into my smoking. I have been smoking weed for 5 years and cigarettes as well. It temporarily rids me of stress and anxiety. Cigarettes have me by the balls and I still can’t quit. The worst part of that was that in the summer of junior to senior year of high school my lung collapsed and had I waited any longer than I already did I would have died. I spent 14 days in the hospital and had part of my lung removed. The stay was a doped up confusion. I had a girl who I had gone on a first date with and hit it off only a few days before this occurrence. Even not knowing who I was she still visited me 4 times. I fell in love with this girl and dated her after my stay. However, with my addictive personality, I brought a new friend, opiates, home with me.
Even with my new girl, pain-killers and cocaine fought stay in my life. They brought me to the brink of my sanity and pulled me over. I became dependent on my girlfriend. I attribute this to the fact that for once in my life I felt wanted. That ***** cheated on my jammed up ass though. She dumped me because she couldn’t handle it anymore and because of my court summons for possession and attempt to distribute narcotics. I got let off for that but I was once again alone.
This loneliness was so horrible that I chugged back some pills and some sleeping meds and just waited to die, suicide note already written out. I didn’t die obviously but was admitted to a psych ward. Very strange shit at those places.
Ok, what about now? Well, now I’m a sophomore in college, a chemistry major, and a depressed, bi-polar mess. I study my ass off and put school before sleep and get absolutely nothing out of it. All of my electronics fail when I need them most. When I need my current, new girlfriend to support me, she gets pissed off at me and yells. When I don’t tell her about things she gets pissed off and yells but I love her ass to death and she’s keeping me from diving off the cliff next to my campus. When I talk to my parents they just get upset because I will never live up to their absurdly high expectations. I hide way too much shit and lie all of the time to the people who I’m closest with. I have nobody who I can talk to. Every second of every day I think of all of the terrible shit that goes on in my life. I get angry at everything. I see shit on the news and lose faith in humanity. How could we have developed into this shitshow of a society? My little brother has a rare disease called PANDAS and he has the worst anxiety ever. Why the fuck does he have to got threw that? He has done nothing wrong but at one point he wouldn’t even eat or shower because he thought that it was all poisoned. I am trapped. All things around me get all messed up. What do I do now ? Should I continue to try to be positive for everyone else while inside I suffer a slow and painful demise. Or do I cash out and end this bullshit? I have seen so many doctors and nothing seems to be working…
Whenever I try to stop smoking it fails. I want to but I have a demon inside me who feeds off drugs and hate. I want to kill him. For all the fight club fans I feel like I have a Tyler Durden. Maybe more like a Slim Shady. I work to be the good guy but cannot fully commit. I hate myself more than anyone else because of it. I have exhausted all of my resources and constantly have set backs. The beginning of this semester I had all A’s and B’s in Gen. Chem., Orgo., Phys., and BioStats. But, my luck remained consistent and I was hospitalized yet again. I got behind and now have a mountain of work that is incomprehensibly ginormous, no support and no faith. My girlfriends father assaulted me and told me that I was manipulative, psychotic, and a “free-loader”. It hurt a lot because I think of myself as being all of those. Why can’t I be normal. I envy the mother fuckers with good grades, happy families, and loads of cash. Fuck them, they know nothing of struggle. It is not fair that so many terrible things happen to me and my family. I get panic attacks all of the time. What to do… Whatever. Just hit repeat tomorrow morning and go through the same fucking work fueled grind with no one going out of there way to text me or hang out with me. Hopefully I can be numb… Maybe I’ll just find some perks and relapse. Who gives a shit anyways.