I am a lesbian vegetarian wannabee wiccan, anoerixic, bulemic, drug addict. I am 17, but I feel much older as if I’ve been here too long. I am human and IÂ feel selfishness. I live in a fatasy, even while going to seep, i dream about being someone ese. Someone I’m trying to write about. Write about her power and no one will ever hear that story because even if I do not kill myself now, or soon, I refuse to be alive for long.
I am not supposed to be here. I do not fit in anywhere. Not with my parents. Not with my friends or pretend friends or used to be friends. People hate me and will not admit it, which I hate. I am sure my parents hate me and will never admit it, maybe not even to themselves, but I know it is true, but that does not bother me because I am a selfish teenager and I hate them and I do not know why. I am just a mistake.
My life: Changed when I met my best friend at age 9 when she moved next door to me. She was very unshelterd and I was so. At 12, we experimented and realized men were unappealing and our interest was in females. I’ve never had a close relationsip. I’ve dated men and found it repusive. I was much happier dating women long distance, as it is easier to find lesbians online or through friends. I left behind my religious family’s Christianity and began feeing depressed, also. I had a suicide plan at 12. Not many can say that, I guess. I had a big pill bottle full of pills I had been collecting. I had overflowing pills with it in a paper bag. I wrote a suicide not. I told my best friend and she watched me throw them away. I planned to run away and she planned on it too, then decided against it and I was her shadow. I did not want to leave alone. I lived on. Age 14, I started smoking and just before turning 15 I started smokig weed sometimes and more so after turning 15. It was nice. I miss those days. I miss them so much and now I just want to be alone. That is impossible, however. I feel I cannot leave because I have to make myself a success. I want to get fit and be in the military. Self image has always been an issue, who hasn’t it been one for though? I am not fat, nor am I skinny. At 15, I ran away. I went to my cousin’s, I got in a stolen car, I did cocaine and ecstasy, I got in a car chase with a friend’s mother, I ran away from police and got arrested. I went to PChaD and did not want to leave. My best friend and I went to the same facility, handcuffed together. We baked cookies, just us, with an employee, we played wii, we read, we watched videos, recreational and about prostitutes, a werd girl hit on me, we left. She got out of drugs and I waited for more.
I want to learn porcay, I want to jump garbage cans in one swift movement and jump from rooftop to rooftop like a being not human. I want to see the lands with long forgotten secrets, I want to see the beauty from the past and present in London, Japan, Romania, Germany, San Fransisco, LA, New York City, Russia, Italy. I want to laugh at my parents and say my good byes to my best friends. I want to die. I want to shoot people. I want to kill. I want to live a harder life then simply being raped, being physically and emotionaly abused by my father, forgotten about by my mother, becoming a lesbian, becoming a Wiccan, becoming a drug addict, selling myself for sex… I remember I changed my personality twice to make my best friend happy. It lost me the only happiness I had. I remember Jesse, Alysha, Derek, Vince, Kisser, Zero, MJ, I remember, but do I believe? I think if I do, they’ve long forgotten about me. I wonder if everyone who is suicidal feels like they have a different story.
My story:
I want to change my name to Terra because it means earth and that is my eement, I am a virgo. I like to cry because it feels nice. I feel Terra inside me. I used to write in a journal to let out her emotions so she could tell mee she loved me and to tell me what was right and wrong. Then my parents kept snoopig through my room then she disappeard no matter how hard I tried to keep her she left me and aboondoned me and I feel her still sometimes, but I have to search for her now. She no longer whispers in my ear in class, when I’m walking, or when I’m sleeping.
My parents almost ruined my relationship with my best friend, then a supposed friend did when I moved in with this supposed friend. She framed us both saying shed call the cops on her phone over text if I replied and made my best friend mad at me so we wouldnt talk to each other until we did a year later. I wrecked my life and moved back with my parents because of her and I hate her and her sluggish lazy assholes for family. I hate Pat for staying with Joe and making their kids suffer. I hate Joe for being an ass and being forgiven multiple times. I hate Kevin for thinking he’s better than everyone and a wonderful dad when he is not. I hate Alex for being a lazy mother who doesnt care if she or others smoke around her baby. I hate Jordyn for being a ***** ho thinks she’s better than everyone. I hate That house and I hate my house and I hate life and I want to die. I want to see God and spit in his face and I want to have thrown in my face the fact there is no heaven and hell and only nature and was always has been. I hate people they are disgusting and I hate teenagers, theyre slefish and greedy. I hate old people who think their lives have been so hard when they live in the now and life is great for them or they should just die. I hate life and how people think iside the box even when they think theyre thinking outside the box. I hate how people think they are smart, but are stupid. I hate miracles, I hate sane people. I am insnae. I am crazy. I wrote about what I felt once, cutting open a sleeping baby, something about peeling the nose open and puling the eyeballs and licking the blood. I want to kill. I hate how I have AMAZING FUCKED dreams no oe understands and thinks are normal when theyre “weird dreams” are fucking normal. Like fuck man what do you think when you dream about marrying someone with no face. Dumbass.
If I had what I wanted right now, I would go outside for a cigarette, do heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, weed, and drink with my two best friends. I would be happy. I would never have to think about suicide again except in feeling bad for teenagers ho feel that way and simpy forgetting aboout them. Maybe I would grow up and live with Melissa, have a child, go to the military, come back be a registered urse with my wife, and I would die old. I dont want to die old, but if I live my life like that then I might as well. Or I could finish school, travel and explore bug infested lands and climb mountains and explore juges with native tribes who dont know aboout the modern world, have girlfriends, be with Melissa instead, do alll ths with her and my two best frieds and die young. Before 25. That is how I want to live. I want to die in the city, though, after learning procay and going to raves and concerts and doing drugs and getting in trouble and shoot people. I want a good bad life. I DID NOT sign up for this bullshit.
I want to die. I want to die. Terra does not want to die, but she will live on. We could be reincarnated, or go into never eneding dream about my plans or we could kill people and eat them and scare them We could laugh at those who cll themselves vampires and appear on the Tyra Show. I could forget about my pretend personality nd Terra and I coudld become one.
I apologize for any typing errors near the end half. I got really into what I was writing and now I am done I think I will go stand in the cold night covered in snow, have a cigarette, go to sleep, and dream of things only I am capable of. Then, maybe one day soon, I won’t have to worry about my present goals: Finishing high school, getting a job, getting my licence, getting a cr, and seeing my two best friends. Maybe after that, then, I cn finally rest in peace. If I don’t go publicaly insane again. HAH.
I am tired now. I have no energy. Good night and soon I will write my final good byes.
3 comments
cool
i’ve felt so many of the same things, the same intense black/white life energy, the drive and self-destruction and emotional violence…
learn to control the madness instead of letting it control you
Good for you just writing it all down.
Your challenges and obstacles seem like many. You will do whatever you think is best for you. It is not an easy choice. You never know if this is the last day of your own personal hell and tomorrow will be different…or…this is the last day before things get a lot worse. You just don’t know and you just don’t know when is the right time to finally say enough is enough. That’s the really tough part.
Whatever tomorrow brings for you….I hope you find strength to deal with it in whatever fashion you wish.