It physically feels like there is pressure on me right now. I’m not stressed out by anything really. Maybe stressed out by my lack of stress over things like school and whatnot, but that hardly counts. It just feels hard to move. Inertia is becoming an increasingly strong force on me it would seem. I really wonder if I want to die. I don’t think I want to, but I’m pretty sure it’s something I’d be okay with. I’m not okay with the way things are going, the way my life is going, and I’d like to just take a long vacation from it. I feel like I need to leave. In some form, I need to leave. Maybe that’s by dying, maybe it’s just moving to the other side of the world and cutting off contact with everyone in my life. I don’t want to do that, there are some pretty special people in my life. I just think maybe it’s something I should do for the sake of everyone. I can tell I’ve been bringing everyone around me down lately, and I’m not too fond of that. Makes me feel pathetic, which I hate. I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to be a nuisance. I just wish everyone would leave me alone and let me do things on my own. It would be better for all involved.
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You’re not a burden, you’re a Braden. And you’re not a nuisance either. You’ll realize that after this week. Your friends love hanging out with you, and enjoy the person you are (especially the person you’ve become after we broke up). Keep your chin up, things are getting better for you.
You don’t know me, or how things are going for me. I don’t see why this week will change anything. Just leave me alone please.
And the only reason they like me better since we broke up is because I don’t ditch them for you anymore, and more importantly I smoke weed with them.
You can’t accept my help and then tell me to leave you alone.
We’re going to the place this week, and hopefully it will set you on the right track. So yes, this week will set change in motion for you.
No they like you better because you’re more carefree. That’s why you can smoke weed with them. Because you’re less worried about everything.
I’m not less worried, I just have a hard time caring about anything anymore. I want your help because when I talk to you or am with you it makes everything better. Everything. And I want you to leave me alone for the exact same reason.
I don’t know if it’s better to help myself while also torturing myself or to stay fucked but have it be dull. I just don’t know what to do.
You’ll know what to do after this week.
I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be doing better because as I said, you make me feel better, even when I know you’re not there because you love me. And so I’ll be doing better and think it’s all great, when really it’s just because you’re there. And then I’ll want to die even more because I’ll just see even further how happy you make me, and how fucking stupid I was to let you go.
no because that would mean you’re not actually doing better. It would only mean that we are both occupying the same space and you feel good because you like me. That’s not things getting better for you, that’s you feeding into a false reality. Short-term gratification is not healing.
The point of me doing this is so you’ll get better. If that’s not why you’re also doing this, and the only reason is because you want to see me again, you can forget it. I’m trying to help you, I’m not going to let you torture yourself. If you don’t believe in this, if you don’t actually want help, and you’re not actually going to try and get better, then I want nothing to do with it. There’s no point. It would just make me feel awful. Do you enjoy making me feel awful?
You didn’t let me go. I left. I made a conscious decision to leave. There wasn’t anything you could have done to change it.
No, that’s not why I’m doing it. But I know if I do go through with it it’s not going to be fun because it’s going to torture me. When I make you feel awful it makes me wish I would stop breathing.
I let you go by being shit and making you want to leave. If I would have treated you the way you wanted and made you love me that would have changed it. Yes, I know it’s over now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets.
Then do it for the right reasons. Let me help you and this can all be over.
You can’t make someone love you. You can’t force something between two people who don’t work.
It’s not just gonna be over. But yeah.
And I know that. I was under the impression you did at one point though. Unless I was wrong about that too.