Who cares.

  November 12th, 2011 by 52PaperDoves

What do you do when the one thing that is literally destroying you, is you? How do you stay motivated to live?

I wake up everyday and ask myself why I’m still alive. Surely the devil has his hands on my soul because God could not be so cruel.

There is nothing worse than self hatred. Nothing. I have been depressed for six years; one-third of my life. I used to be suicidal but now I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to die. To end. It’s not that I’m afraid of dying; I’m just afraid of dying before I feel happiness again.

I cannot express to you how numb I feel, and perhaps you know exactly what I mean. If that is the case I am truly sorry, I would never wish self hatred upon anyone. It consumes your life to the infinite degree.

Honestly I don’t know what I hope to accomplish my posting on this site. But i guess even if it relieves my conscious for a second it’s worth it.

Months ago I decided that suicide wasn’t an option for me. Maybe it is for others, but for me, I’m going to keep suffering day by day until a miracle comes along and I find happiness again, if even just for a moment.

But for now I’ll put on my faux face and tell my parents how happy I am and my friends how everything is just peachy. They say if you tell a lie long enough you’ll soon believe it yourself… heck, at this point, anything is worth a try.

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