What do you do when the one thing that is literally destroying you, is you? How do you stay motivated to live?
I wake up everyday and ask myself why I’m still alive. Surely the devil has his hands on my soul because God could not be so cruel.
There is nothing worse than self hatred. Nothing. I have been depressed for six years; one-third of my life. I used to be suicidal but now I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to die. To end. It’s not that I’m afraid of dying; I’m just afraid of dying before I feel happiness again.
I cannot express to you how numb I feel, and perhaps you know exactly what I mean. If that is the case I am truly sorry, I would never wish self hatred upon anyone. It consumes your life to the infinite degree.
Honestly I don’t know what I hope to accomplish my posting on this site. But i guess even if it relieves my conscious for a second it’s worth it.
Months ago I decided that suicide wasn’t an option for me. Maybe it is for others, but for me, I’m going to keep suffering day by day until a miracle comes along and I find happiness again, if even just for a moment.
But for now I’ll put on my faux face and tell my parents how happy I am and my friends how everything is just peachy. They say if you tell a lie long enough you’ll soon believe it yourself… heck, at this point, anything is worth a try.
9 comments
When I say I know exactly how you feel I’m not just saying it, I mean it. I’ve read quiet a few posts on this site but I can relate the MOST to your post. I don’t have any hopes but I sure am a dreamer. I dream for that miracle each and every day, trust me. That miracle which will bring some happiness to motivate me to fix myself, or finding someone to fix me. but these are just dreams. *sigh
@whatelseisthere
I’m glad we can relate. Its always nice to hear when someone else knows exactly how you feel, i just wish it wasn’t about something so horrible. I hope you find you’re miracle soon, this is no way to live life.
You calling yourself a dreamer made me realize I left out a part.. a few months ago i stopped dreaming at night. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel like I don’t dream anymore because now dreams have just become reminders of what I feel I’ll never have or, mostly, what I’ll never be.
Keep Dreaming.
– C.
Very true. I just dream of that one point where I’ll be able to let go. I hope you get your miracle (:
– T.
I just want to be with my husband, I can’t and I don’t know why.
He is the only one I’ve got and if I can’t be with him I would rather die.
Technically it’s just a case of making my body stop breathing, I do not have a life.
It’s complicated but I have no choice but to go so that I can be with him.
Dang I can relate a little bit.. Yur mind attcking itself I know somewhat howvthat feels hopefully it attcks it with some positive stuff next time..
PaperDoves….
In my younger days I felt like you. Every day wondering what was the point of me living when i was suck a worthless and disgusting person. Everything I did was permeated with the sdespair and the sadness. Outwardly i could fake normalcy but inwardly I felt nothing.
Now that is not an issue anymore because there only exists a void inside. No sadness, no despair, just nothing.
But my family had brainwashed me with hope that things will eventually get better. They may for some people but never did for me. So I should have made my second attempt before now.
When my first attempt failed and resulted in bodily damage it struck fear in me. That i would failr again and be stuck living.
Tell your parents and friends the truth.
So they can do something to actually help you.
As long as they see the fake face they will not understand.
They may not accept the information redily at first but for them to care for you in ways to heal you and end the pain they have to know what you are really feeling.
You truly are a strong person to go through life day after day feeling like you do. I know the feeling of self-hatred all too well, and I will agree that it is Hell to live with. I admire how suicide isn’t an option for you anymore. You really are brave and I hope that you find the happiness that you deserve. I send my love your way.
I think many here know what self hatred is and how destructive it is in our lives. I applaud your choice to live.
Your still young and things get different with time.
12 step recovery has a saying ,…….. Fake it till you make it.
I never really felt good about myself unless I was doing something else for someone else. It didn’t happen often but if someone offered me help I would say no. I felt horrible thinking that I needed help for something. I never really liked myself too much. I have no idea why.