November 16th, 2011 by Mia--Rose

I’m 17 and have an eating disorder. Last year at school I kind of messed up my exams, so guess this year I need to pull myself together so I still have some chance of succeeding. My teachers keep saying how well I’m doing, how much I’ve improved and how much happier I seem. But I don’t understand how they are seeing such a change because I don’t feel as if I’ve made one. Everything they are telling me just seems so wrong compared to how I feel – and I don’t know whether I should keep going along with it.

My eating has gotten messed up again and I’m so desperate to tell someone because I feel so alone – but I don’t have anyone I can just talk to. Any counselors will tell my parents or make me eat more which I’m not ready to do. My school have stopped me from talking to anyone there because they saw me as a ‘bad influence’ . My friends don’t really understand and although they say I can always talk to them I feel like I’m putting them in such an awkward position when I do and they don’t know what to do. I am an only child so have no siblings I can confide in.

I have came near to suicide three times last year and can feel myself slipping back there – I am cutting and have started obsessing over ways to commit it (or maybe I just never stopped having these thoughts). The only person I feel I can really talk to is at school, so that is not possible for me.

I don’t really know why I posted this, I just wanted to talk. I want to talk to people who understand, but I’m not looking for help or advice because I know there’s nothing that can change the way I am.

I guess I just don’t want to be alone any more.

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