Breaking My Posting Virginity…

  December 5th, 2011 by mishapenxx

This is the first time I’ve posted. As the title implies. I’m no really sure what to expect. I’ve been reading posts, and replies to posts. I’m not really sure how to begin either.

Well. Here goes.

I first thought of ending my life when I was in grade two. Yes. that’s right. Grade two. Why? Because in grade one, I was molested by a family member. Though I didn’t understand exactly what had happened, or how badly it would affect me, in my little mind, I knew it was wrong. I kept a secret until, in an emotional breakdown in Grade 6, it slipped out to my mother. Half of my family now hates me, the rest either ignore the situation completley and a very small fraction of them believe me.

I feel pain everyday. I have insane trust issues and insane thoughts. I hate being left alone by myself. When I look in the mirror, I wince. and want to smash the mirror into a million pieces. Or do I really just want to smash myself into a million pieces?

I was bullied. For not being like everyone else. For not smiling and laughing with the other kids.

I feel incomplete. Lost. Broken. Empty. Like, there is nothing left of me to give because someone stole it from me.

I used to cut. Tried to end it once. But here I am. Alive.

I am working on it now, working on myself. Slowly, colour is starting to come back into my world. But I’ve felt better before, and everytime I think I can do it, I slip back under the water and almost drown again.

Will this time be any different? I guess I’ll see.

 

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