fuck this shit.

  December 11th, 2011 by evildandelions

I wish I  just had someone I could actually talk to without them freaking out and calling the police.

I wish I had drugs. any fucking thing.  I was never really into alcohol, but at this rate I’ll be an alcoholic before christmas.  The only reason I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night was because I was drunk and stoned.  so incredibly stoned.   Although I have such mixed feelings about that.  I love being high, but it reminds me of her.  Although, everything reminds me of her.  She’s all I think about.  But at least when I’m high I’m willing to try.

When I’m not, I just fantasize about me dying.  Not suicide, per se.  But me walking across the street and getting hit by a car.  Or being some kind of hostage, gun to my head, I’d let myself be killed if other lives were to be saved in doing so.  My life seems so worthless compared to others.  I doubt I’ll ever amount to anything.  If I live, i might get a job but I’d probably spend most of my money on drugs.  Not that drugs are bad, but there is a difference between use and abuse.  I’m sure, at least now, I fall into the abuse category.

I just have no reason to live anymore.  I don’t care about anything.  I have maybe two friends, but frankly the only reason they’re talking to me now is because she died and they know I’m in a lot of pain.  And in a few weeks I’m sure they’ll barely call or text, because I should be “okay” by then, right?

I’ve never been okay.  I used to be able to hide it.  I used to have some desire to live, desire to be happy.  Now, I feel nothing.  I’m just here because I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t have the balls to actually hang myself like she did.  Maybe I’ll just drink myself to death.  Cheers, to another twenty or so years before I die of sclerosis of the liver.

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