how to…

December 4th, 2011by unstable

I stumbled upon this website while googling how to commit suicide. Yeah, like google could somehow be the end all answer. Guess not because I got here and started reading all these posts…and now here I am, wishing I had the balls to just jump off the highway and fall to my death. It’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. I despise myself for thinking this way. Hate myself for letting it get so bad. I’m supposed to be the strong one helping others in my spot. The f*ing psych major about to graduate isn’t supposed to be the one needing help…

And yet, here I am. Unable to will myself to start the day. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet, not even to pee…I’m posting from my phone. I’ve been awake for 5 hours. What is wrong with me????
I don’t know what will happen if I start posting here…maybe some faint glimmer of hope will lead me back to sanity. I don’t know. I just can’t take it anymore.
Its too much to handle…even the desire to just end it. I’d feel guilty for leaving my baby sister and little brother behind.
What do I do? Someone help me…because apparently the freaking psychologist can’t help herself.

Edit: I ended up out of bed after 7 hours, only because the urge to use the restroom was unbearable. I went to my parents house to do laundry (the ones at my apt are expensive and don’t work that well) and I was upstairs in my sister’s room, she said “look out the window, it’s pretty” I did. My immediate thought? “I wonder if it would kill me if I jumped.” long story short, that’s how I think ALL the time. I am unable to see the beauty in things anymore…all I see is how it could somehow severely injure or kill me…I hate living inside my head. 🙁

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