it should never get to this…

  December 9th, 2011 by JBCubbs

get to the point where i see/hear/read stories about people that have killed themselves and actually become jealous. i do though. i read so and so killed themselves. and my first fucking thought is, “why the fuck can’t i do it?” it didn’t always used to be that way. i used to be sad. but now i’m jealous and envious. which tells me that now suicide is something my own mind now desires greatly. which speaks even louder. i mean if my own mind wants to be dead, why should i not appease it… give my mind peace. i feel so alone and helpless. every second of the day i feel like i’m burning, every second i feel like i’m being beaten, every damn second i feel like i’m being smothered. and there’s no one to help me. i feel like i’m trapped in pitch blackness. the only way to get out is to walk through it. but all around me are endless pits. where every step carries the risk of falling with no hope of getting out. i’m too afraid to walk. i don’t want to fall into a pit. maybe there just isn’t any hope left for me…

i want to share a poem i wrote a while back, i haven’t showed anyone yet. i seem to be inspired by despair…

Sometimes i close my eyes
and the place i find myself
is better than the reality
that i’m trapped in

the darkness around me
is like being trapped in a tornado
i’m in it’s center, looking out
seeing the confusion and fear of others

this darkness as it swirls
causes me agony of the worst kind
it makes me frigid and bitter
wishing it on others

there is nothingness around me
even the ground is pitch black
i feel like if i take a step in any direction
i’ll fall into a pit, i won’t get out of

always falling and screaming
no one even notices
this earth is like a prison
with only glimpses of freedom

has anyone ever seen the documentary “The Bridge” about suicide and the Golden Gate Bridge. when i saw that it gave me morbid hope. a way that might be the miracle way. only 2% survive the jump, and only if the position themselves the exact right way. all i would need to do is get enough money for a plane ticket and a cab ride. and it could all be over. without pain, virtually no chance of survival. i’ve thought about it. and i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m not the kind of person would change their minds mid-fall. i would be relived as i fell.

here’s another poem i wrote after seeing that documentary “The Bridge”

“Golden Gate Bridge”

My heart is pumping

I feel like jumping

into the watery darkness below
I must be dreaming

they can’t hear my screaming

the water is icy cold
I’m falling so slowly

the decision was mine solely

why does it seem so long?
In time I’ll land

they did all they can

I hope they feel no guilt
They found me floating

after having jumped off

the majestic bridge they built

i just don’t know if i’m going to make it in this life much longer… or if i should even bother trying to anymore.

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