December 31st, 2011by ridiculous

I lost the most important person to me. my grandma. i handled most of it well. i stayed strong for my family. i kept everyone postive and focused while she was dying. but upon  her death i got stupid drunk and started asking for ridiculous shit from people close to  me dumping even more budens on them. i did this under the guise of anxiety and with the understandng that i wouldnt remember.  i dont think that the shit ive asked from my friends or family was too bad but, it extended to my coworkers.  now, they all know that im a ridiculous drunk. i know logically that all i did is ask for help i know that its probably understandable essentially all i can remember saying is that i needed to keep things light and my mind off of what is happening. but i also admitted that ive had depression and anxiety and alcohol problems to people i have never really been close to. they handled it well and have been very supportive but the whole thing just makes me want to kill myself. i feel like the job that i need i cant go to. im so fucking embarrassed. i even went so far as to say we should go bowling and that i might need an intervention. i dont drink that often anymore but, all my progress seems erased in a single night. i just keep thinking i cant face anybody and how disappointed my grandma must be.

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