Enough!
I really don’t know how else to say this, but enough, please!
All that I’ve ever wanted in return was respect. I care for a lot of people, my mom, grandmother, my two little brothers and little sister, two of my best friends. I’d do anything for them, and have. However, when it comes to me, it seems like I’m the one who is least acknowledged. Now that I am thinking about it…I probably felt this way my whole life. I am 24 right now and ever since being a kid, I always believed in being a good person and appreciating everything I got.
I treat people the way I want to be treated, as that is what I have always been taught, but why do I feel like I’m not being treated right? As much of the good things that I do, it only seems like any mistake, big or small, will always get noticed more. It’s not fair and I don’t know exactly how much more of this I can take. For crying out loud, I was never the type to get into the trouble. Never even picked up a cigarette or drug in my life. I have graduated high school, got my associates degree with a well paying job, and continuing school to get my bachelors (one more year left) and yet it seems that this is never acknowledged. Has anything that I have accomplished shown any kind of appreciation? Or how about a “I’m proud of you?” Never. It’s like I have this aura to be hated by everyone. I really don’t know what to do. Like I said, it’s like anything I do that someone does not approve of, is acknowledged way more than anything I have done.
For crying out loud, I paid from my pockets alone to make sure my friend did not get their car repoed.  I’ve paid apartment rents to help someone. I’ve got so many people out of debt, including my family. Did I ever, even once, asked for anything in return? No. All I ever wanted was a little appreciation, and respect if I so-called “earned it” Now because of that, it’s Christmas and I am struggling to get the gifts I wanted to get for everyone, along with some bull ticket I got because someone who couldn’t drive hit ME. But hey, I’m just a 24 year old and that’s all the cop seen, a young reckless man, because, you know, all young men are reckless. *rolls eyes* School stresses me out to no end and the damn teacher is constantly trying to keep on top of me. I know what I need to do, so don’t go texting me or calling me asking when I am going to be in class, because I am driving damn near an hours straight from school, in ballistic traffic, trying to get there so piss off!
I do know that I have had enough and thoughts of just ending everything here would get me out of my sadness of feeling lonely. I don’t feel like I can talk to it with anyone, because they wouldn’t understand, and I will get the same ole “You gotta do what you gotta do.” or “I go through what you go through and more. So stop whining.” No sign of support ever, so what’s the point of talking? It’s funny, because you never know what you have until it’s gone. So if I’m gone, these people will really regret it. (for once, I’m giving myself credit) The only ones that appreciate me are my dogs. I’m just sad, lonely, depressed, neglected, unappreciated, overlooked. I just want this to end.
4 comments
I’m saddened by your “rant”. Please don’t reduce it to just that. You have feelings, feel unheard, and basically taken advantage of.
What’s tragic is that people who commit suicide are seen as so selfish and uncaring-when I believe it’s quite the opposite.
It seems to me that it’s the people like us that feel too much and are so sensitive, to their demise or at least for their own good.
The people who reply the way you indicated truly don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean your thoughts and feelings are not valid.
For what it’s worth, just know you’re not alone.
As for the dogs? They are a major factor-besides my granddaughter and the adolescent girls I work with at a boarding school-in my still being here.
For the first two years after I got out of treatment in ’05, I did nothing but work and come home to the comfort and safety of my dog, Molly. Animals are way more understanding, compassionate, and intuitive than any human. Sure, they don’t “comprehend exactly what we’re verbalizing, but I sense they know you’re in pain. Let them be of comfort to you. Mine are my source.
It seems to me that your friends and family regard your generosity as weakness to be exploited. And that precludes them from giving you the respect you crave. You need to step back and let them take the consequences of their actions – the next time a friend is about to have his car repoed, let them take it.
The problem is that you have entered a very well known Catch-22 situation. Once you have bailed a person out for the first time, they will expect the same from you every time. If you now refuse, they will go apeshit, and you’ll find out just how much you went down in their estimation by your generosity first time round.
The best rule for this kind of thing is – start as you mean to go on.
Y’all have no idea how much it really helps that you guys took the time to talk about this with me. I really appreciate you see this as more than just a rant. I just feel like at times, that I really don’t have anyone to talk to with this. I had to let it out and I will definitely follow the advice. It still hurts though, everything.
Being used is bound to hurt. Perhaps you should ask yourself WHY you let them use you like this? Why don’t you tell them ‘no’?