my temporary catharsis

I would first like to say hello to anyone who reads this post as it is my first.  I came across this site as I searched on google to plan the most reliable and ‘safe’ suicide to end my life before the new year. I already know what way I could see myself doing it, even though it would probably be painful and my body would not look good after.

I am a 22 year old male. I have been privileged enough to receive private education and despite a period of going ‘off the rails’ between the ages of 19-21, I am now at university, a good one, studying what I wanted to if I were to invest myself in an academic pursuit. I’ll get to the point of all of this. My parents.

My parents have a relationship that is not conventional, nor does it make any sense to me. My father is twice divorced, I have 3 half siblings (two half brothers and one half sister) all older than me whom I have never met and none of them want to hear or see him. He left them all when they were very young. He is a man of secrecy, and in my personal opinion, an old fool who has no interest in being a husband or a father. He almost completely ruined our family financially and its only thanks to my mother, who has a steady and high paying job that we have been able to survive and I was able to finish school. She is a woman on a high salary wrapped in my father’s debt. It is common for my father to leave the house and be gone for days or over a week at a time, with my mother having no solid idea where he is or what he is doing. This has been the case for years since he fucked up everything when I was 14. He has also obviously cheated on my mother because I have seen the texts.

My mother is a woman who is the oldest daughter of a diplomat from another country. She came to this country at the age of 17, having travelled a lot already in her life and essentially her father put her here for the education and university. She worked hard and had a strong will and has made it to where she is now.

My mother lives a very sad life. She cannot speak to any of her friends or collegues of the shame her husband brings to her. She cannot live her life in joy because she is wrapped in his mistakes. She does not divorce him either, because she is old fashioned like that. She puts up with all his shit, and pays for everything. He is damn lucky and I hate him for the example he sets. I hate him.

Anyway, today I told my father there are two textbooks I need to buy (I have not had a part time job for a month, I am trying to get a new job) and he went on a rant to me and called me a “Liability” among other things. Isn’t that hilarious..  bastard.

The strain on my mother is apparent with when she lashes out on me. She will just make demands that are simply embarassing for a 22 year old to hear or will react overly harsh to something very small. My mother deserved so much better. It hurts to think about.

I am very intelligent. I am very good at looking good and being cool. I am very good with talking and relating to people. I am very good at looking out for my own needs. Everyone from my mother’s work reveres me. From the age of 10 until I was 16 I would write poetry for her collegues (ie, the big cats) and give them at special parties or events that would get a very strong reaction, and I delighted in giving them. Nowadays I don’t give out poems to people unless I very specifically wish to give one as a gift to someone. I have given 2 poems in two years, both to girls. I write most days. I dance most days. I love to write and to dance to music. I am also secretly very sensitive (there are only 3 people in the world who know me like that) and the feelings I get from having to be around my father or both my parents are so strong. A strong kind of helpless numbness. A wish to die. Like I can’t stand them. Like I am suffocated and worn down the longer I have to live around them. I have felt this since I was young. I am their only child in the marriage.

I was not living at home between the ages of 19-21. When I came out of my irrresponsible ‘try and enjoy life’ phase, I broke up with my then-gf and moved back into my parents flat. Since then, I have fantasized about death very frequently. There are things in this life that I love: I love my real friends, the arts, nature and animals. I love these things so much because I feel that if I were to die, they were the people and things that understood me. The people and things that brought me love, excitement, happiness and peace. Never suffering or misery. They are the ones I hold onto life for. I feel for my mother but there is no love. This whole fucking thing they keep alive is just pure pretense. A false display of a real family. I need to get on my own two feet and be away from this place, because there is simply no love. These people should have never got married and I should have never been born. Now you all know of my deep-rooted wish to be erased. I fantasize about leaving a suicide note to my parents that is so perfect it is more vengeful than me killing myself.

I know that if I do live past the age of 25, if I do become successful and have a marriage and kids of my own at some point, I will never, ever have them feel the way I do about and towards my own parents. I know I’ll be an amazing father.