So tired…

  December 13th, 2011 by warrywardyn

Hello. Thanks for stopping by.
I am perhaps crazy, since I have a good life and all. To explain the good life, I shall provide some background information. My parents are divorced, and I have three siblings. I believe that we siblings are spoiled. We do have food at night, which shows we’re fortunate. Screw the good life for now, at least for this lengthy out-of-order post. 

It all began early when I was 6 or 7. I never understood the reason to live. I begged God to kill me. Then in other memories I remember wishing for my parents to come back alive and well. One time I stopped wishing to die, then when I started it again, my grandma disappeared. I blamed myself after that, and started cursing God. Somehow I stopped that too, and at another time started the death wish again. Amazingly, He took my grandpa that time. I will be guilty for life.
School. I think of suiciding everyday now, and school is supposed to be a way for me to pass time. But nope, it just adds to the stress. I have two classes which my dad forced me to take. I’m failing both of them. My dad blames me even though I actually try and still fail. In reality, I think getting around the grade B is already overachieving for someone like me. It isn’t good enough for my dad though.
I think my dad’s the real problem for me. His standards are so high, I can’t keep up. He sees a future which I realized that I would never be a part of. I can’t understand why he helps me instead of my siblings. Why do I have to get yelled at for the classes I never wanted to take and actually tried but it never gets better? He tells me that I should rest if I’m tired. I’m suicidal, I’m tired all the time. However I remember when my brother rested too much he got yelled at. Accepting these facts make me wonder how I am to rest. 
College. Back when I was young, I wanted to be a cashier, and when I got older I wanted to go to community college. Of course, I choose community college to save my parents money, since I won’t be here in the far future. Now I know crazy things like better jobs and better schools and whatnot. My SAT score is considered low, which is perfect since community colleges would accept anyone over 18. Then there goes my dad yelling his head off…
Money is such a corrupted factor it ruins everything. My dad thinks it’s alright to donate to schools when he complains he doesn’t have enough money. My mom buys bunches of things that I don’t even know what their usage is for. Times are tough now, I don’t see why they think it’s alright for them to do it. The excuse that it’s their money and not mine would have worked well if I didn’t think what it would do to my siblings. 
My daily life is something most people would avoid. I’ve stopped showering unless I absolutely have to. Actually, I shower when I go to my mom’s house for the weekend. So I guess that’s once a week. I never sleep well, since when I do want to sleep, I think of various things (why am I still here?, why didn’t I take the metal rod in my closet and beat my own head already?, why didn’t I buy a gun online?, etc.) and that keeps me up. I normally stay past 12 and fall asleep around 3-4 and wake up for school at 7. Even on the normal days, my dad demands we wake up at 10. So I’ll never get enough sleep no matter what. I asked my mom for sleeping pills which she never got me saying they don’t work. As for friends, I have a few. However I do not want to leave a huge impression in their memories of me. I get frustrated whenever I have to present something to the class. All my teachers hate me, and I avoid them if I could. 
I do find enjoyment in some things of the world. I play Spades, this card game, where I play with online people. There are so many rude people out there. I’m a beginner in a beginner’s room, and I have had people yell at me for playing wrong when sometimes I find fault in their playing too. I do realize it’s an adult game, so I find it ironic that these so-called beginners would act like kids and bash you in the lounge where everyone in it can read. Spades is one of my ways to pass time, even though it makes me depressed as well. My other way is to read manga where I have fallen in love with one. I remember making a promise to God that He could kill me only when it ends. I wonder if that is the reason I’m still alive today, as the manga is still ongoing.
To make sure I’m not suiciding for no reason, I have found reasons I should die. I have plagiarized, after lending my paper to someone and got caught. I have stolen money from my family. I have told lies and harmed people. I am guilty for killing two people (my grandparents) for life. I have no dreams, well maybe except to see how my favorite manga is going to end or maybe even wanting to die (is that even a dream since everyone will die one day, if not sooner then later?). My dad claims that we siblings have no future, which proves that I was correct in seeing a future I will not be in. My dad have commented many times that we siblings should just go die and one day I’ll do just that, just to satisfy his wish and mine. 
My behavior is mostly my fault. I have indeed gotten in trouble with teachers, not that I cared because I just didn’t. I really didn’t think I’d live to the age I am now. Now I have to deal with more unnecessary things. I should have disappeared before I got to be this age.

If you read this far, let me say thank you and that I wish you well. Please take care.

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