The Concept of Life

So, like most people here I’ve been around reading posts every so often. And like Everybody else I too have been depressed. But today something happened that changed my life, and I hope that it might impact some people thinking the same things I was.

So a little bit about my background: I grew up in a middle class family through private schools with parents who love me. However I’m socially awkward, and spent most of my childhood on the computer rather that connecting with people. I’m not very good at any sports and up until this year I was failing academically. I thought I was a failure, my parents thought the same as well. I could see it in their eyes. You see, when a person lies, their eyes will gaze to the right (Constructive/Creative memory). When they tell the truth, or try to remember something that happened, their eyes will gaze to the left (Reconstructive Memory). Well, needless to say my parents weren’t pleased.

However, over the summer I went to therapy for Depression, like most people here it didn’t help. I went to two different people, both were tools. My medication did nothing either. On top of that I’m a very concrete thinker, which means I didn’t feel like I should be living right now because my life has no meaning, no greater purpose.  While being treated for depression, I was diagnosed with a learning disorder (Non-verbal Learning Disorder). Here are some symptoms:

– Social Awkwardness

– Lack of Motor Skills

Basically this in a nut shell

“People with NLD, more than many others, fear failure. They may feel that they have to do too much at once, and then do not know where to start. This allows them to stagnate, and then do nothing. Sometimes they try to multitask and again end up doing nothing, which can lead to frustration. They may experience the world around them as a chaos, the actions that they must perform well and quickly creating a sense of helplessness. Clumsiness in performing tasks may be criticized by teachers or in the workplace, causing further fear of failure.”

Did it make me feel any better? not really, I still wanted a purpose to my life, and although I wasn’t suicidal because of my life was completely lost, but because I thought my life had no value to society.

Now I know none of this makes sense to anybody so I’ll get to the point. When you are a kid you live to please your parents, or yourself. There’s no thinking beyond  a day-to-day basis. When you’re an adult you live for your kids. Adults will usually have a mid-life crisis when they think of life as a whole rather than day-to-day as well. But there’s that time where your life is meaningless before you get kids.

So, I never found an answer to the meaning of my life, but I found the answer to the end of my suicide and my depression.

There is no higher meaning in life, you are alive for whatever reason that you’ll never find. True.  There’s no key to happiness unless you say it is the key. You create meaning to your life. It’s your life, nobody elses. Society may value something higher than your belief, but who cares? Why should it care? You can do whatever you want, during whatever age during whatever time, and nobody can do a damn thing to change your will to do so.

Yea, people may not like their life now, but death is certain in every life, so why cut it short? you’ll get there anyways, might as well do whatever the hell you want in the few 70 years you’re alive. And during those 70 years you can do whatever the hell you want. You hate your job? go back to college. Sounds easy but hard effort right? Well it is easy. Take a loan from the bank, go to a community college where you pay less than 8K a year on tuition, and get an education, then transfer to a better school. Can’t a get a loan? Join the Army, they’ll pay for your school, and you don’t even have to do active duty, you can server 4 years in the Army Reserve.

It’s your life, you only get one, you already know death will come at some point, so until you’re forced to end your life, why give your own meaning to your own life and have fun with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous and impossible, but It’s 100% Reality, that can’t be denied. When you’re depressed you’re supposed to look at the world realistically, and you do. The world is a shithole, but that doesn’t mean your life has to. This is not some christian morals speech, i’m actually Existentialist.

Sorry for the Long read. Happy Living.

Also, if you want to talk to me for any reason (No person is born to be alone) here’s my Gmail: mkhoury5@gmail.com