What’s the Point

Hi,

I am 22 years old and have been depressed for the past 7 years of my life.  It began when I realized I was gay and it ruined my family relationship.  Everybody in my family, my mother, father, sister, and brother are completely against this and think that I have chosen this lifestyle.  Honestly, maybe I did because I’m a masochist, as the rest of the story may reveal.  They also consider it to be a sickness, a severe mental pertubation.  They were extremely abusive, physically and mentally, berating me and physically attacking me when anytime we had an argument about sexuality.  My mother and father ave both expressed regret that I was born.  I was a premature baby and my mom told me she should have aborted me.  My brother looked up articles showing how being gay has no scientific background and gave them to my parents.  But, I think he may be gay himself too.  He’s so self-loathing though, and makes sure my parents are aware of anything I do that they find wrong.  He hacks my computer and copies all my files and gives them to my mother.  This includes personal things I’ve written about being gay, god, goals, and other things, just to stay sane.  My sister asked me to kill myself because she said I would be doing my family a favor if I did.  6 and a half years ago, my grandmother died.  She was like my second mother and always loved me no matter what.  I’m not sure if she knew that I was gay, but I’m sure if she was here now, she’d treat me better than the rest of my family.  I miss her and often desire to join her bliss.

Despite all of this, I went off to college at one of the top leading universities, with the condition from my parents that I would be “asexual” if I can’t be “normal.”  I agreed to this and honestly wanted to try it because my education has always been my number one priority.  I also didn’t want to be gay.  Afterall, it was causing me so many problems in my life.  Of course, I couldn’t take this for long and they found out that I was dating someone of the same sex.  They pulled my funding and became extremely abusive, even more than they were before, which I didn’t know was possible.  I tried to support myself, but couldn’t do so on my own.  So I did something really stupid and stole a laptop and tried to sell it for money.  I got caught and suspended from school.  The next two years were spent working full time, but at least I had my partner right?  They’d stuck with me through all of this and said that they loved me.  Wrong.  After our 2 year anniversary, she cheated on me for 4 months and tricked me into moving in with her mistress.  Needless to say, I got even more depressed.  My family was right about her and I was alone.  I had to go back to my family since I had no where else to live.  They continued their treatment and told me I deserved what I had gotten for choosing that lifestyle.

Eventually, I was able to go back to school.  I wanted to go to medical school, but with a bad record I didn’t know if that was possible anymore.  My dreams had been destroyed by myself.  I hated myself even more, not only for being gay but for being so stupid.  I didn’t have a goal anymore, my girlfriend was unfaithful, my family wished (s) I had never made it to birth.  It’s now 6 years after my grandmother died, and I’ve never been happy since I came out.  They say coming out sets you free, but coming out was the worse thing that happened in my life.

The only thing I wanted more in life than anything else was to be a doctor.  I dreamed of it as a little kid, and I still do, literally at night.  But the other thing I loved in life was my girlfriend.  As long as I had her, I felt like I could take on the world.  Plus, I want(ed) to spend my life with her.  But, after her initial cheating, she’s since cheated on my twice more: made-out (maybe more with someone else) and had sex with another person, both while very drunk.  She says she doesn’t remember.  Our relationship isn’t perfect, but when we are happy it is wonderful.  We’ve traveled together and it makes me cry to replay our home videos and how happy and young we used to be, and now we are weighed down by our mistakes and shortcomings.  I’ve let my self go physically and have low self-esteem.  But how should I have better self-esteem if my partner becomes angry at me when drunk, and attracted and “easy” with others? I’m not blaming her, but even when I was at my peak, she cheated on me so, what’s the point right? We also fight constantly and when that happens its terrible.  We are stubborn and abusive to eachother at times of anger.  So, after 7 years of being sad all the time, my family still thinks I’m crazy and destroying my life for being gay, I don’t know if I can have my career as a doctor, and my I’m in love with a chronic cheater whom I love more than she probably ever will be able.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel more impotent than when I was in high school or even a child.  Everything that mattered to me has gone to hell and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I see no point in continuing this charade of a life.  Plus, I’m just tired of having to “stay strong” for misfortune after misfortune to wait for it to “all get better.”  Life hasn’t gotten better for me, it’s only gotten worse and worse.  I’m at the peak of my youth, but I feel so so very tired.  What if there isn’t any better?

I’ve investigated different ways to kill myself.  I want to go be with my grandmother who is the only person that I’ve felt has ever been wholeheartedly supportive of me and the only person I’ve ever really been able to count on.  I am looking for a painless and mess-free way.  Unfortunately, getting a gun would be really hard, expensive, and suspicious to those around me.  Shoot me (pun intended) some ideas if you have any.  I’ve thought of going to a shady part of town and getting mugged but fighting back.  That way, it wouldn’t necessarily look like a suicide.  I’ve also thought of crashing on purpose, but I don’t want to make my death cost more than my life is worth.  Why should taxpayers have to literally pay for my crappy life?  Despite everything, I haven’t gone through with this because I don’t want to embarrass or shame those around me.  But, it’s getting harder everyday to continue.  I lightly cut myself to make it a bit better sometimes, but I think I do that because I’ve heard of other people doing it.  It isn’t enough.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Anyway, I just wanted to share my story.  Maybe you can get some pointers and change your life to prevent it from being like mine.