I’ve wanted to kill myself at various times throughout the past 5 years.  About two months ago I started to become serious about it and began to plan my death.  This was after I had gotten out of the psychiatric hospital (my 7th hospitalization since 17 years old).  I was in the hospital for almost 4 weeks and received 6 electro-convulsive therapy treatments.  I also got put on some new medications which didn’t do anything to no surprise.  I was however started on adderall which was the only thing that got me out of bed and able two at least go through the motions of life within the past couple months.  I stopped taking it though.  I actually stopped taking all my meds except for tramadol which I swiped from a family friend.  Anyway, I went in to the hospital suicidal, and out of control, and came out more  suicidal, and more in control because I knew that suicide was what I needed to do.
I am suprisingly at peace with myself right now. Â I attribute that to the fact that I have obtained all necessary parts for my method of choice and I know that I could choose to leave at any moment. Â I am now realizing just how difficult this is going to be though. Â So many things to take into consideration…I have a letter along with a couple paintings and some pictures for my ex girlfriend who broke up with me in a shitty way earlier this year, Â I cleaned my basement up quite a bit and threw out a ton of stuff–I feel like I should get rid of everything or at least box it up so my mom isn’t forced to. Â I have a shit ton of artwork which I would like to give to people. Â Sign over the money in my accounts to my mom…
I keep giving myself an ultimatum of when I am going to do it but I keep pushing it back. Â I really don’t want to go back to work and I can’t just keep doing nothing but taking tramadol, masturbating and rewriting shitty letters to my my ex everyday. Â I don’t want to live. Â I have no interest in pursuing my career, meeting someone new, traveling, or starting a family, and I definitely couldn’t bear to see another christmas. Â All I do now is worry my mom and the rest of my family, and waste 100 dollars of my moms money on therapy which she makes me go to every week as long as I am living with her. Â I’m sick of talking to people about my “problems” and I’m sick of being myself.
4 comments
I have the same thing. i have the means and to and can go at a moments notice. I really don’t want to do this but it’s more that I need to do this. I have finally gotten to the point where I’m not afraid anymore. That feeling of being afraid has pushed me back time and time again. I hope you can find something here. someone to connect with and talk to about anything and everything. Best of luck to you.
Yeah i understand your pain im sitting on a boulder at the top of a cliff thinking about things too peace be with you
I only saw the after afffects of electro treatment of another patient, she had many also.
If its your time, your the only one to decide.
May you find peace anyway it comes out.
I think, yet know one knows for sure, that when we die, we actually transcend, from physical life to another. Mankind has always had these thoughts, science doesn’t prove a God exists, yet many humans find peace through many different faiths and or spiritual means.
I think mankind has always had these thoughts because it is hard for us to accept the seeming injustice of life, in which we are able to experience amazingly pleasurable beautiful things, and extreme pain and suffering, and never find out any meaning. People choose to believe what makes them comfortable or able to come to terms with this crazy confusing reality we all experience.