January 31st, 2012by letmedie

I’m 34 and have been suffering from depression for at least 17 years and ADHD since I was a child. My mother didn’t like how I reacted to Ritalin as a child so the ADHD was left untreated until I was prescribed Adderall about 5 years ago. The difference in output and energy was night and day but the depression continued to lurk under the covers despite having tried many medications over the years (Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, Welbutrin, and finally Citilopram). I racked up enormous student loans over the years and other debts that I realize are attributed to Bipolar manic phases. A major life change triggered a classic case manic episode that lasted three months. During those months I racked up even more debt, moved from the east coast to west, and burned just about every friendship bridge left. Deep personal reflection over the last 4 months helped me realize that I’ve been Bipolar for years and explains why I’m always depressed and sometimes ridiculously irritable/irate. Manic highs don’t have to feel good/elated.  The “big one” that occurred from June to August of last year had some uncharacteristic euphoric highs for me but classic signs like pressured speech, no need for sleep, grandiose delusions, and reckless impulse decision making prevailed. The high fell of a cliff to a perilous low valley of deep depression complete with omnipresent suicide ideation that hasn’t let up one bit over the last 6 months. I officially decided to commit suicide last October and almost hung myself in November but stories of failed attempts on the web scare the crap out of me, as does the pain factor and image of my elongated bruised neck post mortem. I don’t want my parents or sister to have to see that. Research has led me to favor the helium hood method. Several hundred suicides are successful each year and although there are plenty of stories that describe failed attempts (especially on this site), I have yet to find any accounts where attempts gone bad have resulted in traumatic brain injury. Has anyone on here found such portrayals? I bought one small 4.5 cu Balloon Time helium tank and plan to buy three more. I’m thinking of connecting two by a T-Junction and running it into an oven bag secured by rubber bands around my neck. Another tube connecting the remaining  two T-Junctioned tanks will run into a mask. I will exhale, put on the mast and bag and turn on all 4 tanks by opening each one just a little. Then I stop holding my breath and inhale when the bag is filled. A slow trickle from 4 tanks simultaneously should provide enough helium to displace any other gases long enough to do the deed. I hope it works. Every waking hour is torture and I know it can only get worse. I need to end this pain before I don’t have the means to do it peacefully. I’d be surprised if I last another month. The link below is my inspiration.


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