Right now in my life things are not the best. I thought i got over the bullshit and hurtfull things in my life but spending a few days with your family brings it all back [I went on vacation with them for 10 days] and still they haven’t changed i mean yes we all live in the same house but i don’t see them at all because i hate being around them my dad and i never see i to eye and he is always telling me that am a failure and disppointment that dumb fucker who feels by buying stuff for his children would make them love him.
People in my life might think am spoiled and i have no worries but the truth is am sick and feedup of this life getting material things, to me, does not make me happy .i have been having suicidial thoughts since i was 11 and have been cutting since i was 13. I no its stupid but i cant help it .The first time my mom saw it she told my dad and he said if she want to kill herself go ahead he don’t care.That really hurt cause i was his little girl but since my sis was born , he would hit till i bleed cause he does not care he says he loves me but i don’t see it i hate him that asshole and i will never forgave him for the words he has said and the scars he left behind on my skin.
The worst part is that i hate him for hurting my mom she is weak and i am her strength i have to stand up for her even when she is pushing me away.He has cheated on her since they were married she has cried so much i have seen that hurt growing around the tears and pretending everything is alright is so hard ,but i have don’t for so long that now i cant even open to someone without fear of getting hurt, i never want to be vulnerable to someone thats what happened to my mom she loved him to much.Now i feel so lonely and rejected i know my life is not as worse as others but these thoughts of killing my self are like cancer eating away at my soul my mind and i have to fight it everyday while trying to appear normal to everyone like nothings wrong with me. My mind as grown so dark and confusing i dont no what to do anymore it thought i was fine that everything was okay that i was stronger but every since that time with my family i dont know anymore .And the person who am scared of getting hurt the most is my boyfriend since i cant handle my own thought and feelings anymore am hurting him and i upset him the most when i smoke,but he doesnot see that the smoking is better than the cutting i need advise on what to do, normally i dont tlk to anyone bt i have exams coming up and their really important if i want to do something with my life, i have no one, who i no, will no, what to do i need to get my head clear my thoughts straight. If anyone knows what to do about this confusion and loneliness and this trapped place i am in please tell me and please dont suggest going out, my parents dont let me go anywhere which adds to my frustration and thoughts am always alone.[ yea i tlk to my boyfriend ,but i dont see him and my parents dont even no about him] i am so fucking lost please anyone i could use some advise on who to kill [ just kidding] on what to do.Please!!
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
hi, trapt, sorry to hear about your troubles. Quite a lot of us here have been trapped in abusive and frustrating family situations. They’ve done all the damage they’re gonna to do you – it usually happens before you’re 5; everything before that is irreversible; anything after 5 can be worked on.
Really it’s a waiting game. They have the power for now. But they won’t always have it and as soon as you turn adult maybe you can find a way to walk away. You’ve got more years of them behind you than you have ahead of you. Think of it as a sentence and you’ve almost done your time.
Your mom has probably got her own self-defence thing going on and it takes up all her energies. You do the same for yourself.
Hey Trapt,
what causeway says is as true as it gets, it may seem harsh, but there is not much more you can do. The only things i can suggest to do at the moment would be to join some school sports teams perhaps or a club, it’ll give you another way of coping. The last thing I suggest (although you must be careful and use your best judgement if it’s even possible) try a therapist, school or outside of school, most schools have someone (and say what is troubling but again be careful with what you share), but i do not know the finer points of your situation and if your even able to spend another hour at school or not once that bell rings! Also remember this, this site is a wonderful tool, and for me, one of my best coping methods.
Hey thanks for the advise crewde and causeway dont worry i am just waiting have been for a long time, its just am from the caribbean so my family is really old school cant leave till you marry that kinda shit, but to me the best coping method is drawing which i havenot done in awhile, but now i think i will start back .By the way causeway am only 17 so i guess your right .Crewde am assuming your a guy, i dont have any sports team i can join or anybody i really trust deep down.And while this really has nothing to do with anything but my name here is traptsoul because am always by myself i feel more trapt here then anything i feel like my family especial wants me to be something am not its like i fight really hard to seem normal while my thoughts inside are eating away at me .You see with the family i have learnt never show your emotions alway remain strong and i have for so long i am just glad at least someone even a complete stranger knows how i feel.Just wish i new real names and ages of the people who are actually hearing me out for the first time in along time thank you .You may not understand but it means alot.