How did it get to this point

I’m thinking of doing it tomorrow night. 1/21/12 is when I die. I wanted to do it on my birthday. That was three months ago. Should have then. Should’ve done it along time ago. I know some people work through worse pain then I have experienced. I feel hopeless. I used to feel sorry for myself. Realized that gets you nowhere. Thinking about just walking in front of a semi. If I jump just at the right moment I should die. I know that it’s selfish to do. Especially in that way. Can’t really find another way to do it. No car.  Can’t find good place to hang myself. Don’t know how to get gun. Don’t have that much money anyway. I hope that I do find peace. I could be mad at my dad and mom. Mom a drugged up whore who I haven’t heard or seen since I was 12. 26 now. I had a girlfriend once. I think I made her miserable. I didn’t know how to be happy. I’ve killed three kittens and a parrot. Don’t know why. Horrible guilt and anguish takes over after I did it. My Bella. I wish she could’ve lived. She was a little cotton ball. I wish I could unwind time and not kill those innocent kittens, but especially her. She was my kitten. I remember screaming for an hour after I killed her. Why did I do it. How did I get away with it. I lie so much I’m not sure what the truth is anymore. This is probably the most honest I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Why do I get so angry and irritated for no reason. Tired of feeling this way. I’ve tried killing myself by O Ding before. Doesn’t work. Took over 400 Tylenol once. Didn’t even go to doctor. Felt sick for a day and then was fine. Are the only two options death or the rest of my life in a mental health ward? I’d rather die. First time in my life saw an hallucination yesterday. Embers coming from the sun. Small specks of light swirling around me. Weird, but peaceful. Can’t explain it. I have no friends left. No family left to talk to. I live with a friend, but hardly talk to him. He spends all day on computer, hardly talks to me anyway and when he does I want him to shut up.  Everything seems pointless and trite to me. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I ride the bus with no purpose. Just around and around. Time seems to fly by, but i feel as if  I’m standing still. How did I get to this point. Depressed most of my life. Suicidal most of my life. I tell people about it. Always the same. It’ll get better. You have so much to live for. All they’ve done is lied to me. Pills just give me false sense of happiness. I want true peace without pills. Without being a burden on those around me. So tomorrow is the end. Just nice to vent before I go. I wish everyone who reads this peace and happiness. Not scared of death. Nothing awaits me. No heaven or hell. No nirvana. Religion just way to ease psyche for death. I await bliss. Oblivion. My last thought before I die, how did it get to this point.