A couple of years ago I was a completely normal person. I was happier and my life seemed normal. I laughed a lot and I loved my family. I concentrated on them, because they were my life. Years passed, and things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve always had depression looming over me, but never this dark. I’ve always had anxiety, but never this painful. I’ve always been afraid of the outside world, but never this bad. Now, I am looking up ways to kill myself. And I have no where to turn.
I am a 21 year old with nothing going for her. If you knew how little a have accomplished in my life, you would judge me. Harshly. No one is of utter uselessness than I. I have nothing to my name. Completely nothing. Not even any experience in love, but at this point the prospect of love means nothing to me. It is trivial. I want to be alone and will be alone the rest of my life. I am a 21 year old adult who acts like a child who has severe social anxiety and severe depression. I have a fear of human contact. How can I live in this world? As time goes on, I’m finding it hard to survive. I will never accomplish anything, because I can’t do anything. No one knows because I wear a mask of normalcy. But I will never be normal, and I will never be able to live a normal life.
When I think of my life, I think of it as nothing. When I think of myself, I think of myself as nothing. When I think about my future, I think of it as nothing. If I feel like nothing, why shouldn’t I become nothing? I never thought I would even think about suicide. If you were to ask my former self about suicide, I would have thought it was the coward’s way out. I would have never even thought of the word. Now I just want to escape everything. I want to escape it permanently because it’s what I deserve. I want to end my life, but I am not brave enough….yet. I am an empty shell. I truly, and honestly have nothing to live for. Since I graduated high school things got progressively worse. I didn’t go to college, I didn’t have a job, no car, no independence. Nothing. I think because my parent’s pitied my anxiety issues and never wanted to push me too hard. Now I am 21, and things have not changed. I live with my sisters, but I am not independent. I am severely dependant on them even just to survive. I have such emotional issues, but they don’t realize it. Their contact is enough to keep me going for a little while, each day. I can’t tell them this. For it would be too much of a burden to them. They need to live their own lives, without me leeching off them. They would be better off without me. They would be angry at me for killing myself. But once they got over the hurt of me being dead, they would find that their lives were better, even if they couldn’t admit it. I know in my heart that this is true.
I have no friends anymore, I have lost them all because I am such an introvert. The only thing to keep me company is my books. To escape into a different reality. I have no more support from anyone because they have their own lives to think about. I am trapped, scared, and lonely. I have always liked being alone, but this is a different kind of lonely. A lonely where you are alone and empty, and will always be alone, forever. I think about how to kill myself more often. I don’t want the pain of killing myself, and I know it is selfish to others if I do. But a person like me cannot live in this type of world.
My only wish is that I could fall asleep and never wake up. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. My tear soaked pillow is the only witness to my despair. And I will continue to suffer in silence until the day I am brave enough to kill myself. I have a suicide plan and I will put it into action.
For I don’t belong here.
7 comments
Hey 🙂
Im not sure i can give you any words of comfort but at the very least i can guarantee that you are not alone….and that comforts me, not that i want others to suffer but it easier knowing there or others out there going through the same thing as you. Reading what you wrote almost seemed like i wrote it myself…i lived a pretty normal live up until i was 18 or so, when i started to have issues with anxiety etc, lost my friends due to it and i technically dont hve any family besides my old man lol (my mother and sister are still alive they just dont care bout anyone but themselves) and now i hve found a painless way out and im just looking for the courage to get through that final moment. I truley hope you find happyness before you do anything but i know there are no guarantee’s and if you find that you have no other choice but to end your life then i hope that you find happyness on the otherside (if there is one :P) im agnostic lol. drop me a messge if you ever want to talk. 🙂
It’s hard depending on others. Sometimes, though, we need other people to help us.
It’s hard to stay strong.
THIS.
From the age to the social anxiety to the eternal sleep wish, nearly everything you wrote describes myself as well.
My plan will be carried out on the 31st. How about you?
Hey, justawhisper – you’re still very young. Few people have accomplished anything at 21, and the way the world is now, the young are punished simply for being young – that’s not your fault in any way. Don’t accept responsibility for the action of bankers and politicians in destroying the propects of a generation. And don’t accept that being depressed about it is somehow the wrong reaction – it’s not.
You may think you are dependent on your sisters but that may not be the case at all; some people, and I suspect you are one, are the heart of a family, that’s their function, or they’re the conscience of a family, or they’re the truth of it – embodied, made flesh and blood. All families are like this – there is always one sibling nominated to be different and I think your family would not have it any other way. In the same way you rely on them, they rely on you – it’s inter-dependency, not dependency. They love the part of you that is numinous and self-reflective because you are manifestation of the best of them.
You DO belong here still, for these reasons and more. You love your books; let me tell you – if I had stopped at 21 I would never have found the books that have given me the most pleasure and which have allowed me to define myself and my place in the world. And if you think the world is horrible, yes it is, but is it horrible to everyone; the truth is, once you begin to find consolations, you begin to find ways of surviving.
Yes, surviving because life is largely about surviving – it’s about getting through enough bad moments to find a good moment and then dragging that good moment out for as long as possible. Make them miraculous enough to drive your mood.
Seems like we both are loners.
The difference is you do seem to prefer others around sometimes and I’d prefer to never be around or comunicate except via the internet.
Your circumstances have made you feel like reaching out is detrimental to the lives of your family and friends. Unless they have expressed this to you they probably want to connect to you more than you allow.
If you want help you have to ask. If you want more contact with others you must put yourself out there. If anyone derides you for your accomplishments tell them to kick rocks. There are some people in the world who live a relatively pampered and easy life from birth to death. Your accomplishments according to the world do not determine your worth. Your character does. And from your words you seem to have a persona with a good foundation that just needs nurturing and relating to make it blossom.
I hope you reach out to your family and friends.
Life is funny. You want more contact but do not want to burden people.
People always want to be around me for some reason and it kills my peace of mind.
If I could give you my aura I would.
You expressed everything that has at one time or several times gone through my own head. You are in good company. For me life was normal 9 years ago.
However, I can definitely say that your absolute statements of what will or won’t be and saying people will judge you are based on some beliefs that really you can’t prove at this time, so given how you feel, the only thing that does help is practicing positive, good feeling thoughts for yourself. It’s easy to focus and recreate in your mind how sh** it is….and I know, I’m there. But if you want to feel better amidst your situation, that is the best thing you can do. Be grateful for the normal life you did live, and do your best to focus on what you do have…the smallest and simplest of things. Especially at this time is when you need to be a friend to you…it’s a process, so for now, just practice how you want to feel….hope this helps. Take care.
If anyone ever comes back to read this. I want to tell you, whoever you are, that you have helped me. I am alive today. I fought through it. It took a long time. But I am here. My life isn’t better, but I am not suicidal anymore. I had to fight it alone, as I told no one. But that doesn’t matter. I fought for my life. And I am proud of that. I can sometimes feel myself creeping into that darkness again. But until then I am alive.
I thank you so much for helping a complete stranger.
To causeway, I have saved your words on my computer and read them whenever I feel down.
Thank you.