I just don’t understand how a depressed person could at first want to get better and eventually does start to feel better but then wants to be depressed again. Or how a person wants to be in a psychiatric hospital again, for the third time. I’m very curios as to why I feel this way. I can only come up with two explanations but I’m not sure if they make sense. Well one is I think because I only know myself best when I’m depressed and that’s my “comfort” zone. And two is because at hospitals I get attention and I feel like I’m being taken care of and I’m around people who I feel like I belong with. Has anyone else on here felt this way before?
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Yep i know exactly how you feel. This is definitely a comfort zone for some. At the hospital you will definitely feel like you’re around people that can understand you, and they normally care, as well as understand that people have unique problems and handle situations differently (because they are all there as well!!)and tend to be imo better people. Society as a whole is horrible at understanding how people can feel different. Far to many people think if they can cope with something or can get through something that everyone can and they are almost cold if you’re depressed or having issues. We are all different, one example i feel after a bit that i must do something on “my lists” (i am OCD) and must complete the lists or I cant function, so the hospital as a whole is something i just simply can not do. Even though I would probably enjoy those at the hospital (i am somewhat of a loner, merely because i hate most people, and I’m VERY picky). So it comes down to trade offs, you feel more comfortable because you feel there is more benefits by being around those people, and having people care. I would probably enjoy that, but I simply cant because I’d lose my mind not completing “my lists”.
Ah, your description sounds just like my rollercoaster moods. It’s like, I started out 2011 very strongly. I was positive and I made plans to change my life after my recent suicide stint. Then halfway through the year, I started to falter, wondering what the hell I was doing and why I was doing it. By October, I had started researching ways to kill myself again. Now, start of 2012, I’m deciding what date to go ahead with my plan. I’m going organic this time. Toxic seeds for the win.
When I was forcefully locked in the psych ward for the first time, I hated it. I cried every night because I wanted to get out so badly. It looked, felt, and overall just seemed like a prison. I was only permitted one visit per week, had my food rationed and the bathrooms didn’t have locks. It was hot, stuffy, and so frustrating. For months, I wasn’t able to see anything ‘green’.
Then the time came when I could leave. I just got out from the front doors, and I had taken a few steps, when suddenly, my tears started falling, and I just had this NEED to get back in.
Until now, the psych ward is my personal heaven and hell. It’s hell because of all the restrictions imposed on me. I can’t use the internet, or read unapproved books, or even hold a pen. But I can endure all of that, because it is heaven. I don’t have to think about what to wear, or how I look. I don’t have to think about how to feed myself, or where to get money for bills. I don’t have to do anything at all, except join the necessary activities and take my meds at the right time.
This is my comfort zone, knowing that the unknown is not probably. I mean, sure, there’s the occasional scuffle between neurotics and paranoid schizophrenics, but the general feeling of knowing that, even if they’re only doing their jobs, there are people who will care for me and know me.
You know what id rsther die than go to hospital ever again they are holes and full of shit drugs and people who are bastards fuck that id rather die anyday
Hopefully soon