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i have every reason to want to die but i wont do it.

by chrissie

Ive been abused as a child…
Ive lost loved ones..family & friends… Ive been divorced twice by the same man & I have no friends cause they just want to laugh at you & tell you your just crazy… I have a gun… ive been harrassed all my life..people throw you out like trash and tell you that you mean nothing to them..push you to kill yourself so they can take all you have… I don’t want to eat..just happy to smoke cigarettes… Men always want what they cant have & if you deny what they want..they go find it & your left out in the cold..I’m good enough until they take everything you have..then I’m not good enough… Ive had friends commit suicide…

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Protoryu 1/20/2012 - 1:15 pm

Atleast you are strong enough to hang on.

chrissie 1/20/2012 - 2:15 pm

All I wanted was a man to fix the plumbing, electrical stuff, take me & his family out every now & then..but no that’s not good enough..he had to threaten me, beat me so he could drink and sleep around with other women. He was sleeping with me..but no his sick twisted mind wanted more..he wanted group sex. Then when I refused..he got caught on his phone doing everything in the country. I don’t understand why he cant settle down & why marry me twice if he just wanted to do that. I mean I have a letter from him saying he wants this, I have pictures that show him doing other women..even married ones. I realize until death do you part..in sickness & in health but no matter what kind of treatment he gets..he’ll always be the same. I gave him chances..ive forgiven him like the Bible tells you to do..but why have I been the door mat & punching bag all these years. Why do I watch other women just feel sorry for him and walk in the house that has no reason being there? If I live alone then I worry about being raped by other men, which has occurred. If I live with someone, they just throw you out like trash..there is no where to go without pain. I want to hide under a rock but I have 3 kids to take care of and I’m tired of doing everything myself. Where am I to go?

Protoryu 1/20/2012 - 2:23 pm

If it was just you, it would be different. But like you said you have children which makes things a bit more complicated… You have to be strong for them.

Rape can seriously forever scar a person and make them almost incapable of living alone… But there is not a rapest on every corner. I know that sounds kinda brash and I’m sorry, but you need to see that if you plan to live alone.

Or if you have any family or friends that will take you in – give them a chance to show you not everyone will throw you out.

chrissie 1/20/2012 - 3:39 pm

I was raped when I was younger..never told anyone..later on I met my exhusband in HS. I was raped again by his best friend. After HS we got married had a baby..he cheated & beat me..he said drugs was his first priority..I divorced him. I got a good job, had a nice house & car..lived alone..was asked out by a firefighter..he got me drunk because I was dealing with a lot of pain being hurt by my ex..I was passed out in his truck..woke up & he was on top of me..I told him I didn’t want to see him again. I went home & cried in the shower a couple of hours. I found out I was pregnant..I love my daughter but I know she wasn’t born out of me loving her father. I never lived with him nor did I like being near him..very weird. He’s with a girl now that has babies from several men..including he just had one with her recently..that doesn’t bother me in the least..I’m glad he is happy. I remarried my ex from HS because he said he had grown up & he would not treat me like that ever again. I gave him a chance..we had another baby. I left my job, my house..everything I worked hard for because my parents were moving out of state & my ex husband said he could take care of me..that I didn’t have to work..I could stay home with the kids. Yeah..sounded good. Only he started all the crap he done before but worse..he had choked me several times, he had beat me bloody..kept me from getting any medical help..wouldn’t let me out of the bathroom. His girlfriend would text me..telling me I was just a babysitter. She’s a guidance councelor at a HS for crying out loud..I had to see her send naked pics of herself to my husband..she’s living with him now. He threw our family out once again. He’s not married her..she has 2 kids from someone else. Ive freaking lost my mind. There is no reason I should be alive when the pain has brought me nothing but more pain..yes, I have my kids. I love them..but I hate men for hurting me & treating me bad..I’m just a slave..noone has done anything to show they’ve cared except my parents. Everyone else can have a normal life..take trips, laugh about how much they love this life..I don’t love life..I try..ive been trying..I pray..I go to church..I get by from help of my parents. I don’t have anything else to give..I don’t want to live. I don’t want anyone else..ive gave my heart to my ex husband & ive not got it back..he crushed every drop out of me. Its amazing how someone can look & act perfect from the outside & then when you live with them..they totally change into a monster. I blame mostly this time on the whore he’s with now..cause we were fine..until she said she wouldn’t care to have group sex. Shouldn’t that be illegal? Love..hate..love..hate. I wanted love by one person..not to be treated like the way Ive been treated..thanks prototyu but yea..I cant have anymore kids..so why would anyone want me now? Why would I want anyone at all? Life sucks!

Amakua2309 1/20/2012 - 3:47 pm

Hey Chrissie,
Nice to see you again….sorry that you’re hurting….but i do understand only soooo well….remember we started talking last week….i left a message for you but I guess you didn’t get it. I have had a rough week but I’m back and ready to listen and share if you would like. Will be back around in about an hour or so and please feel free to visit or message me at my post “Welcome to the Land of Oz”….i check in there everyday if possible.
Still waiting to hear about the dark side….no fear here….been there….but maybe our sharing will help us both…let me know….there’s always e-mail….some of your stuff is already extremely personal and i’m sure you’re doing your best to PG it up…but…let me know.

Namaste
Amakua

chrissie 1/20/2012 - 4:49 pm

On top of all that..I lost a baby by my ex husband too..still don’t understand why he has done this to me. SEX MEANS NOTHING..BUT APPARENTLY ITS EVERYTHING TO HIM! Yea..amakua..I remember..idk if I got that message or not..ive read your page though..I know we all feel the same way..I’m sorry too.

Amakua2309 1/20/2012 - 4:57 pm

Hey Chrissie,
What are you sorry about?…Nothing to feel sorry about as far as I can see…wait…let me get my glasses……..nope…nothing to be sorry about. You are pretty amazing in my estimation…have many similiar stories….mine just began earlier than yours….first raped before the age of 4..blah…blah..and it didn’t stop until I stopped it….not saying it’s easy….just possible. Sounds to me like you are a survivor not a victim. But how do we get you to see that?
Also curious where in the world you are? Just for timing sake.
Would you like to e-mail?…let me know…i’ll give you my address if you don’t have it

Namaste
Amakua

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