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I just want to survive

by jaboha14

I had an absolutely amazing life for the longest time. I’m not attractive and I’m shy, but I had amazing and wonderful friends, very good grades, and I was happy. Over the summer I had to move across the country with my family. I am miserable here. Nobody talks to me, and they all look at me strangely at school because I’m punk and I have piercings and I’m not the most attractive person. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I tell my parents I’m upset and I can’t do this anymore, but they tell me it will pass and I need to go make friends. I’ve tried, but it’s not happening. I have no will to live anymore. I cannot stay here and keep living like I am, but I can’t leave. I can’t sleep because my mind does not shut up. I constantly blast music into my ears to try to drown out my thoughts, but because of that I am considered more of a freak. People call me a nerd and a genius because I’m smart, but they say it negatively. I hear them whispering about me all the time. I just don’t know what to do. I have a terrible life, and I don’t even want to live anymore. I feel empty and alone. I constantly feel like I’m literally gagging because I am just so completely ruined on the inside. I hide all of this, though. People think I’m fine, except my parents and my youth pastor. I have been a Christian my whole life, but I’m not anymore. I no longer believe in God because I was always there for him and He was not there for me. I have decided on a way to kill myself. I have the necessary equipment to do it. The thing is, I don’t necessarily want to kill myself, but I want to die. Or at least get away from here. I am just trying to make it to 18 so I can move back to where I came from, but I don’t think I can last 2 more years. I just literally can’t keep living anymore. I am done. I have nothing to live for, no one to love. I cannot keep living, but I don’t want to die. PLEASE, just help. Help me.

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Kathy17 1/21/2012 - 8:07 pm

I know how you feel,and I know that the whispers never stop,and I know how it is to keep everything inside.So if you ever want to talk about it I’m here not just for you but for me as well to hopefully find someone who understands each other

U.N. Owen 1/21/2012 - 8:17 pm

My goodness.
You are going through it.
My post should give my email if you just want to vent.
And there are many of us here willing to talk to you and lend you a shoulder.

I think though that you also want someone offline to be there for you.
Is there anyone in your school or town that shares your interests?
And those people are jealous of you and if at all possible work on trying to ignore them.

I’d suggest looking at yourself and categorizing the things you like about you. things that others may not understand but that you like and that make you feel comfortable.

Like your intelligence, the fact that you are punk(which by the way to me is a very cool lifestyle), the fact that you have recognized that it is you and not an outside power that supports you.

If I were there I’d treat you like my younger sibling and just basically talk to you and let you know how your assets make you a great person. And talk to those who pick on you and use my intimidating size and demeanor to get them to leave you be.

thing is you will have to recognize the good withing yourself and love you. And even if nobody else understands right now, you will know that you are worth your own value.

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