4 years ago, I tried to kill myself… the biggest regret in my life is that I failed. Today, my best friends mom called me to tell me that he no longer wants to be my friend. 22 years old and he can’t even tell me that himself??? I have stupid small medical problems, one after another, constantly holding me back from completely being healthy. Nothing major like cancer or anything, but still big enough to keep me down. And now this… my closest friend decides to drop me, and actually blocked my phone number so I couldn’t even ask him why. Why do I feel this way? There are so many people out there who have it so much worse than me… and yet, I have less resolve than them to keep my own life and keep going. Why is the world like it is anyway? Why do people only care about themselves… like my douchebag friend. And why do I still care about this person? How does everything get so messed up that we even consider something so severe as ending our own lives!? Why do I still consider it even after i know its stupid. And even more importantly, what’s the point of living in this world when all that most people really care about is only themselves?
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4 comments
the smart ass answer is that its your brains fault. youre wired to feel one thing while thinking something else. times like these, dark times, its just more obvious that we’re slaves to our biology. Especially all of us here on this website, the broken toys. im sorry about your friend; nothing can be done about that and i know how frustrating it is not getting proper closure. you say “fuck em” to help yourself stop caring faster but eventually it will just add onto your overall misery.
i suggest being honest with yourself. tell yourself, “yes, i miss my friend”. tell yourself why you miss him; im sure you had good times. its not wrong to still care for him. let yourself cry if the tears come, just let yourself feel. too many of us on this site dont actually feel bad; we feel bad about the prospect of feeling bad.
I think your friend is avoiding you because you suffer from a mental health problem. It’s happened to me, friends dropping you because they can’t handle your low moods and suicidal thoughts or they’re scared of becoming like you. I suppose you care about your friend because he’s been in your life for a while? Well everything changes so forget him and find new friends who will actually give a damn about you. Suicide is the easy option that’s why we think about it all the time.
I think your friend has way bigger problems than you. An over controlling mother? No spine to explain why a friendship ends? Move on. I’ve have freindships that last up to 10 years, then one day it all changes…then I have no freinds….then I have new freinds…that’s life. Next!
I know how you feel. I went through the same gauntlet in high school. My best friend of 10 years simply…..outgrew me, I guess would be the best way to explain it. I never got a reason from him either.
I would like to tell you that it does eventually stop being so painful, but it may be awhile. My solution was going to college. A big place with lots of people who had no idea who I was, so I could be who I was.