I`ll rant about my life.

It`s 2:00 in the morning and I found this website by typing `my life is meaningless` in the google search engine. Maybe I should type a little about myself; I don`t know how this site works exactly. I`m going to turn 20 in the summer. I dropped out of university a little while ago, but that`s okay because there were so many things wrong with going in the first place. I went across the country a little while after that, worked a couple jobs and now here I am, back in my parents basement. I ticked the box `general`but maybe I`ll tick `rants` as well. I`ll rant about my life. I guess I know what my title for this post is now.

I`m what`s known as a NEET, I guess. For those who don`t know it stands for not in education, employment or training. So I`m living an extended childhood in my parent`s basement you could say. Hmm. I said that I`m ranting about my life but at the same time I don`t really know what`s wrong. But I guess something must be wrong. I`m not really at a low point in my life anymore, I would say (maybe others wouldn`t). I don`t really know what to do with myself. I mean, yeah I`m trying to get a job here, though I`m having a bit of difficulty because they aren`t hiring like crazy here quite like they were across the country. And I think I`m doing a relatively good job at it. Oh boy I can just tell that this whole thing is going to be written poorly. Maybe I`ll try to tell you a bit more about me and whatnot, and then I`ll tell you more about what`s going on.

Do you remember that kid in middle and high school (maybe even in university) who didn`t say a word, was really socially awkward and didn`t seem to have any friends? Well that was me. You might`ve thought that I was a weird creepy loner or you might`ve thought that I was a decent person with social difficulties. Or you might`ve not noticed me at all. But whatever. A lot of people seemed t think that there was some great person hidden inside me; a sort of shy little flower hidden in the tall tall grass. I like using semi-colons but I`m never sure if I use them correctly. But I digress (another term i just formally learned.. thanks google), there really was no good person there. There was just a blank slate. Like I think I said before, I never really knew what to do with myself. Most of the few things I did were really an exception to the rule. One memory that stands out is when I played hide and seek with myself and an imaginary friend. I wish I could get a job staring at walls. In my life, I guess I spend most of my time doing things that I don`t feel have any value, and that I have no interest in. Because of this, and other reasons I`m sure, I don`t connect with people very well at all. I`ve learned to put on masks and use humour to get by and win friends, but I need to abandon them because the relationships are stagnating. I seem to disappoint people when they talk to me. If not right away then eventually. I used to have a really poisonous mindset from day to day. Long story short I used to be a complete sheltered loud mouth whiney social retard, but eventually I realized I hated who I was and just shut up for awhile. That was when I started having really bad social anxiety and self esteem. The way I type about it, it seems like I`m making it sound like a minor problem, but honestly if I was still feeling the way I was I would definitely have offed myself by the end of high school.

So I`ve come a little ways. A couple days ago I went out to a bunch of places looking for work and talked to a bunch of managers. It went okay, I thought. I put on the mask and everything was fine. Day before that I went in for an interview. I don`t think I got the job but I don`t think it went terribly either. Things don`t feel so hopeless anymore with obligations like this. Though my life had gotten a little bit more bearable, I can`t tell you how awful and bleak it felt to be in grade 12 with no job experience, no interests, no self esteem, bad anxiety and a horrible personality. I didn`t see any way out other than killing myself. I just sat watching television on the internet trying this whole escapism thing out again, like I did pretty much my entire childhood. Escapism doesn`t work nearly as well nowadays. Or maybe I`m only remembering the nostalgia. I was a sad kid growing up.

Hmm, 2:45. A lot of people I know seem to think that people in general are complete scum, but I really never saw it that way. I think people are just.. people. Some people do things that hurt feelings, but I haven`t seen or have been the target of a whole lot of malice. I was on an imageboard a little while ago and this girl had posted about some guy who had sex with her and started ignoring her a little while afterwards. I don`t really sympathize too much with the girl, and I don`t really think the guy is a dick. I mean, I guess that`s just the way it goes. It doesn`t make the guy scum. I saw so much warmth in the people at university, and basically everybody I`ve talked to trying to find a job lately has been really friendly. Some of the women at the work places seem to be intimidated by me or shy, but I don`t think it`s awkwardness, and I don`t think I`m particularly scary looking. I`ve taken a mental note that a lot of people really just don`t know what to say to me. I mean, what do you say to a blank wall? You can only go to the well of superficiality so many times. I`m still pretty damn awkward with people, but I`ve cleaned up my appearance and people say I`m really attractive. I used to look really awkward and probably borderline autistic and I remember being treated basically like dirt. So I really take it all with a grain of salt.

There was some point that I was going to bring about, but I`ve forgotten what it is. It`s about 3:00 now so I`m gonna think for a minute and oh wait I just remembered. Right, so I don`t do much of anything with myself. Nothing that I would say really goes past superficiality I would say. I love drugs, I listen to a wide variety of music, I play bass guitar and regular guitar, and I play a few choice video games. Oh and pornography is okay too I guess. The really dirty stuff. Not `poo` dirty, but stuff that probably isn`t considered normal. These things aren`t really interests so much as things to pass the time. I don`t really know that much about drugs, beyond doing the necessary research to make sure I don`t put myself in the hospital. I just take and enjoy them. I love smoking pot and doing DXM alone but I`ve decided as of late that I don`t really need those things in my life right now. I actually went to university for music and one reason I dropped out was because I didn`t actually care about learning anything beyond what was practical and could improve my playing. Don`t get me wrong, I usually love playing. Sometimes I pick up an instrument and really get into just making a groove or practicing to a metronome. But other times I pick it up and can`t play anything good at all. I like it enough that I keep coming back to it, but really I just play. I don`t know the names of my instruments or amplifiers off by heart, nor do I have interest to learn. I just bring the noise. I don`t have any interest in video games, but sometimes they can be kind of fun. It`s just really easy to sit down and play, play, play. I love the problem solving and adaptation aspect of playing them, but I must admit that for the time I`ve spent playing them, I really suck. It seems silly but I could actually have a conversation about pornography with people. I guess I`ve taken enough time to learn names of the actresses and I remember a bunch of favourites. Pornography is getting a little boring to me now, though. I`m also just realizing a little bit that pornography is kind of depressing.

I have a sort of flirting interest with certain topics, and doing certain things with myself. I daydream all the time about different roles I would and or could play. Whenever I`m interested in a daydream and really start to get thinking I have the urge to walk around my house, check the fridge, and maybe go outside. Lol some of my fantasies are more grounded in reality than others. One of my off the wall ones would be me as the sort of emperor of africa that unites all the countries into one political entity. And world leaders would be like oh shit what do we do guys he`s getting too powerful. I`m more interested in the idea as opposed to the details of it`s realization I think. Though the Myerrs Briggs test says I`m an ISTP, which would be interested in the details rather than the idea. I don`t really know, those question are vague and I don`t really know the answer to it. Other then that though ISTP describes me pretty spot on. Maybe I`ll take it again tomorrow. Anyway, one of my more grounded fantasies would be to make my own crazy electronic music, and put on these crazy shows where I would be on drugs, paint my face and dance around. I would think these spiritual psychological whatever thoughts and self harm on stage for some reason that seems to make sense. I dream of making beautiful music and being someone that I admire. You would look at me and think wow that guy is out there or fucking insane or awesome or amazing. People would look at me and they would have an opinion, I guess.

I`ve got a DAW and I`ve got a MIDI keyboard, but learning how to make music takes effort. I`ve got tons of books I haven`t read, though the topic interests me. And yet I guess the topic doesn`t interest me. I don`t really know.. It`s a flirting interest, like I said. It`s pretty fickle and it frustrates me. Maybe I`m not even interested in doing these things, or maybe I`m just sort of `dormant`, and need to `unlock` some aspect of my person.. If you get what I mean by that. Doing what I do now is just so much easier, though. The enjoyment I get from living with as little effort as I can is very two-dimensional. And I think that this ultimately is the reason that I would kill myself. I am not fulfilled; my life is meaningless. Apathy is my motto.

Writing this made me feel a little bit better, like expressing myself in some way usually does. It`s exactly 4:00 in the morning, so good night.