i’m staring at this blank page waiting to type something but ii have no idea what but i have so much to tell about..so i guess i’ll just start telling.
I’m a girl 15 and last year i tried to commit suicide by cutting my wrists,I survived . I have scars on my wrists and thigh,i used to had more but they fade away, I did a lot of self-harm cuz that was the only way i could feel some relief.My mother heard me cry almost every night,she saw my scratches  on my arm but didn’t do anything about it.I’ve tried many times to tell them i needed help but they just laughed and said i was crazy and insane not healthy in my head or that it wasn’t possible for a 14yr old girl being unhappy,they also said i was ungrateful.I do get a lot what i ask to my parents but things and money can’t buy happiness.No one understood,most of my friends ditched me on the end of the year because i was a negative person or always unhappy,dead that’s what they said.Even though i told them everything but they still didn’t understand.Why i was/am like that is another story but its to long.
So now i changed school it was the best choice i made,but felt pretty hard for a girl in my class,I really would give my life for hers.And i was pretty sure she felt the same.We’re friends but she told me that she is changing schools and that her father doesn’t want her to be friends with me (they’re Muslim,i’m atheist) i was finally happy and feeling good..but she is leaving and it breaks me that i probably never gonna hear her,see her or sit next to her again.. etc.I’m unconditional in love with her and I’m feeling the same as one year ago ; dead but alive.I’ve always set up a smile so y new friends wont leave me but now i really don’t want to put on my fake smile anymore, i just can’t.Again my mother  hears me cry in the night but she again doesn’t do anything, i just don’t have the guts to ask for help,they just would laugh again.No one knows my real me in my new school,they think i’m the happy bubbly girl who wears a lot of bracelets.But that is just another lie,another mask to cover me,to protect me from who i really am and was.I don’t need compassion i just want to know if there are some people like me and how they cope with it.
6 comments
Hey there, society has such problems understanding how people can feel different. It’s sad but that’s how it is. I know it’ll be tough, but you really must reach out, get that help you need, you’re parents dont seem to think you need it but thats something only time can change . Try to get a psychiatrist (there is free and ones that need minimal compensation) or anything you can that’ll help, it sucks but you’re going to have to get it yourself, maybe eventually your parents will see you need help. I know how it is to put on that fake smile, i have been putting mine on for several years.Gather all your strength and get that help. How I cope is this website, and think of what lays in just around the corner in the future (to me is getting back with my ex hopefully) and thats what gets me by. Some people also find a new hobby or activities that helps. I’d suggest if possible to maybe do some after school activities, join a sports team, a club, any activity you like. It’s always feels so hard to get up and do anything because you already but on that fake smile, but if you want a way to cope and maybe get that shimmer of hope you must push through. (both me and my ex had almost exactly the same issue, we got together at the end of HS and that helped me more then i could ever have imagined, i even got out of feeling like im faking happiness for a year). Stay strong!
Are there other people like? YOU BET! Your a teenage girl with hormones bouncing all over the place. You can’t be with the person who you love. Im sure it hurts a lot.
As requested, no compassion here. You are in the process of being shaped into an adult. No, not an older human, but your beliefs, morals and truths. And yes, it is a very difficult battle, yours more difficult than most because of who you chose to love. Is it wrong? Hell no, but some people don’t share that thought.
As crewed said, it’s a time to be strong. Mom doesn’t seem to be there for you, so maybe talk to someone….your doctor? Hell, talk to us…your off to a great start.
P.S. I lied… I wrote this with compassion.
Oh yes, I think I know how you feel. I have been to a psychologist, I was recommended medication. I have a lot of friends, but I cannot share my conscience with any. I am also worried of people laughing at me should I reveal my problems. However, I keep my conscience to myself because my “thoughts” are usually described as shameful/disturbing/disgusting…etc… but that is because I am always misunderstood. I would have ended my life a long time ago. I had one attempt when I slit my wrist in the shower. I am Muslim, and do believe in God though. I thank God for allowing me to roam in a park nearby, and sometimes the forest daily. I hate my parents, they also give me all I ever wanted, and really spoil me. But my dad for example does not even know what my hobbies are. I have an ancestry with loads of black stories, my closest friends either betrayed me, committed suicide, or departed in other ways…. I myself, don’t really feel dead though, but rather a person who was never alive. I see life pass by in front of my and I doubt that I could even step close to it.
I cope with that by a number of ways. One, would be by knowing that if I had everything I wanted then I truly would be dead as I would feel no ambition to follow. Chew of bread and give it to a king, then he is likely to feel disdain towards you. Give it to a peasant, then he is likely to praise you. I believe people are only capable of feeling happiness after feeling sadness. I pray to God, and hope that from my life-long suffering I will have a better life in the future. It’s been 18 years now and I still have no answer. But I will die trying…. Even if I must suffer for the rest of my life.
The other way I cope with it is by walking in the park or in a forest. It helps me because I love the world, and the nature it contains. I also know that no matter what happens….. Neither the forest, nor the park would ever say that they hate me. I have a greater bondage with objects than people, but I do not believe that objects can feel. However, I am not crazy. Nor insane.
thank y’all for giving advice, now i feel not alone anymore x
If you ever need a friend i am here male 16 look me up i am the one with the cure smile. I have never tried and never will as much as i get down i know that there are always going to be people that loves me and same goes for anyone on this site you are not alone their is someone that shares your pain and knows you better than you know yourself. I know that as mush hurt that you can take is not as much as the hurt when someone loses you. to me everyone is a friend and i will mourn the loss of all my friends weather i know them or not. Love you all for who you are and when you feel down think of me and my cute smile.
I know just how you feel. I have been very close to Jesus for 6 years until last November. I started getting very depressed and being in pain makes it worse. I have back problems and need surgery. But what happened was I gave up and took 50 trazadone pills 75mil. and knew right away it was the wrong thing to do. all I remember is waking up when my wife got home and I said I was sick I slept till the next day. I believe god has me here but I am dead and am in his wrath to pay for my stupid mistake. I am being judged for the pain and turmoil I put my family through yes it is now on me. I have everyday prayed for forgiveness and it also seems as if God has left me. I am so empty my Faith my Hope my Love is gone. I have this knowing thought my name has been taken from the book of Life. This is so bad,and with no way to repent unless I am being lied to which so many people tell me God would not do this to me . If suicide is a sin then God forgives sin through His Son Jesus. But I do not seem to be making a conection with Jesus. the real odd thing is how everything I touch now seems to break the vacume our cars our water system to the house the tolets all are breaking and can not be fixed it cost and we have no money now. so yes I believe I am dead but still alive and doomed to hell after judgment the rich man. the one interesting thing is I feel no heat no fire burning yet or is it just a image for people to be scared. Yes I am so scared for losing my eternal life with ABBA God Almighty and Jesus Christ who I still love.
So if you have not gone stupid do not. It is so painful and so lonely without God I was so wrong so very wrong do not commit suicide stop stay with God He is so Real I know now and for all I can I ask forgiveness and pray my Family won’t hate me for ever.