Rants im no rep. by deathbug 1/3/2012 written by deathbug 1/3/2012 hay uttilini, im not a rep. for the site im a real person i have a facebook. 40 comments 0 Email Related posts Suicidal 10/18/2021 I don’t understand myself either 10/15/2021 My Story 10/6/2021 overwhelmed 10/5/2021 Ugly 10/5/2021 10/4/2021 I don’t know anymore. 10/2/2021 Distress Call 10/2/2021 To: The World, B**ch Mother Nature, and whatever... 9/28/2021 Soulmates as Teenagers 9/23/2021 40 comments uttilini 1/3/2012 - 9:00 am I don’t know why you started this thread. I never thought that you were a rep for the site. But thanks for clarifying. Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 9:48 am Of course – facebook certainly makes one flesh and bone … how EVER did i miss that? Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 12:21 pm @dawg – oh no! I deleted my facebook! Argh existential crisis…. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 12:28 pm one day u are up early? 🙂 Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 12:34 pm @adastra – do you ever sleep?! I went out after work for a few drinks. These days when I drink, I sleep for only a few hours and then wake up around this time. Must be getting old! Hopefuly I can sleep for a bit more later. I was already a mess at work yesterday. Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 12:36 pm @one_day – did “going virtual’ solve any of the issues that brought you here? Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 12:37 pm Yes i sleep but too hot here ..40 & high 30s last few days … and house is like a radiator … plus i am not at work this week …. interesting u came here one day ~ ps if u want my msn/email chat feel free to ask… Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 12:39 pm and im one of those pple that gets up really early …its how i get things done … i always used to get to work by 6-7am often … early bird catches the worm and all that .. :).. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 12:41 pm good qs dawg ,… what actually brought u here one day ~ you mention ur desire in ur bucket list to fix oneself …. which i liked for its honesty and simplicity … may i ask what is there to fix? You seem very functioning in an everyday sense … which is admirable. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 12:54 pm @dawg – no. They made them worse for a short time, actually. @adastra – I probably have your email on a post. If it’s ok I will send you one sometime. There are many issues with me to fix, but fixing myself has only really been a priority for me in the past 2 years. Previous to that I have been too busy with work and travelling, and also usually had a boyfriend, and when you have all these distractions then it becomes really easy to ignore the flaws in your character. 2 years ago I ended it with a serious boyfriend, it wasn’t working mostly because of me, he was too understanding about my depression and they just allowed me to coast through without doing anything about it. So I ended it and started dating a completely different guy, mostly because he did things that I used to do to my previous BF. I thought I should see what it’s like on the other side of the fence. Well, I got taught a lesson! He turned out to be suicidal (I didn’t know if when we first me) and he would spend days not eating, sleeping or talking, just sitting doing nothing, skipping work. I used to have to fight him sometimes for the knife if he started cutting himself. I had to punch him once. It was the most stressful period of my life, I was basically supporting him. Anyway, I think that energy somehow transferred to me because I’ve been deppressed for a long time but not suicidal after that. Then that ended and I went to live with my mum for 3 months and more trauma… The past month I have gotten a lot better. I committed to a few life changes, and have finally come to accept the fact that I am (for now) stuck here in australia (I always get depressed when I come back to australia). Before I was pretty much waiting for one of my exboyfriends to come and marry me and take me out of this country hahaha I know it’s arrogant to think that I could break up with them and they’d still be willing to marry me for a visa… yeah anyway that’s my life story. How about you guys? Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 12:57 pm @dowg – going vitual is a life substitute. For me it was good for a while because I wanted to hide from the world. I went through a phase when all I did was drink whisky, pop sleeping pills, listen to music and go on htis website. It helped me get over a hurdle. But eventually I knew I had to come out and face the music. But I think it’s very dangerous for some people who can’t draw the line… it makes it too easy and comfortable to keep hiding. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 1:07 pm thats pretty intense One~ t’you ~ and whilst i understand that going to the other side of the fence might give you additional perspective, im not sure that helps pples situation when u consider what ‘the other side’ of the fence is … Secondly, dont just think that his negative energy just transfers to you ~ we are pretty much empowered (or depowered) by our thoughts ~ be they our own or others, hence the need to focus & ideally only allow good positive helpful pple into your life. Third, Aust is just a place, its more about what/how you do things in this place that matters most. I came here bec a friend of the family (15yo country boy) mentioned this place when we were talking about stuff as his parents asked if i could speak to him as he kinda looked up to me which i wasnt aware off, so i saw that as a cry for help in part and here i am. Read a few stories and then i thought, well ill ‘try’ replying to a few pple as the stories touched me a little too so i figured i might try help where/if i can. That said, one, we are similiar ages so if u ever want to chat, please feel free. I might understand where u r coming from as will dawg who has extensive life experience. Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 1:09 pm sorry – to clarify – my comments were an extension of the “No facebook=non-existence” … I was being silly but you ARE right in that hiding behind a computer will get you nowhere … where is it you want to be ‘taken” to? Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 1:09 pm agree one ~ astute observation about hiding from fears vs facing them …. Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 1:15 pm FyI – that was AdAstra’s kind way of saying I am the resident old geezer … unless you include “deadright” who is a bona fide senior The short answer for why I’m actually here is economics and health issues – many things seem to “conspire” to block my attempts at simple existence – In general I have a good attitude about life – I just keep running into immovable roadblocks that are preventing me from living it – I haven’t “given up’ but I’m preparing for when I run out of options. matter of fact dawg Log in to Reply deathbug 1/3/2012 - 1:21 pm you now cayla who usauly writes as deathbug……yeah well she wont be writting anymore. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 1:21 pm @adastra – about the energy transference, well like it or not, I’m a massively empathetic person. The plus side is that it’s very easy for me to see/know how a person is feeling without them having to say much. The down side is that if someone is miserable, I soak up that energy like a sponge. It’s part of me, I can’t change, so I may as well try to make the most of it. I haven’t seen my ex for nearly a year and we don’t talk at all, so that wound is more or less healed anyway. Aus is a place that I’ve had many lives in…. I’ve done a lot in my life, not all of which I’m proud of. Every time I come back here I get so… bored and depressed that all my friends are doing the same as when I left. It’s a place of complacency for me. Now that I’ve accepted I’m stuck here, I’ve just decided to make the most of it. But for a while there I was really resisting. @dawg – sorry I’m not with it today! still recovering from new year. I miss london really, just because it’s one of the few cities of the world where people like me gravitate to (people like me ie. freewheeling artistic types who aren’t really driven by money or a house in the suburbs or finding a relationship…) other towns I find so frustratingly conservative. For example here in sydney everyone is getting married and doesn’t do ANYTHING anymore. Thankyou both, it’s nice to have some mature and insightful people arund. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 1:23 pm I like the old geezers…. speaking of which, caucajun, lucy, you still about? Deathbug, what is going on now? Log in to Reply deathbug 1/3/2012 - 1:42 pm did u get message about the real deathbug Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 1:34 pm Sorry … can’t help you with London – I’m southeast USA – it’s good o know not everyone finds the geezers irrelevant … yet I think it is fairly natural for people to absorb and emulate the energy that is present but at some point it needs to be recognized that it may not be healthy – i tend to be a mellow, pragmatic but generally positive and somewhat unflappable personality. keen dawg Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 1:45 pm one ~ Every time I come back here I get soâ€¦ bored and depressed that all my friends are doing the same as when I left. Itâ€™s a place of complacency for me. May i *lol* politely? I do so because “this” happens to nearly every person i know after they travel. I too lived/worked in the UK and but based in Scotland but travelled all over UK and *loved* london. I know where you are coming from.. i do. I just think after a while, we stop craving all the “action & attention” and just become relaxed within ourselves and its not that we settle for less ….its just some people are happy & relaxed and dont need more anymore … thier self worth comes from everyday vs say bigger more dramamtic exciting things, like living os or working on high profile projects etc … Make sense? Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 1:48 pm i like dawg …*unflappable* … im pretty much the same (not 100%) but i think that quality gets better as you age/mature/experience more …. Log in to Reply deathbug 1/3/2012 - 1:59 pm the real deathbug was killed by my mother Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 1:58 pm @dawg – whereabouts in USA? I was living in NYC last year, but my favourite city in US was New Orleans. I could easily live there also, but I think too much fun would be dangerous. I agree that it’s not healthy to absorb and emulate too much energy. I am working on being pragmatic, but it times of weakness (depression) it becomes too much effort to fight my natural state of being. Regardless, I do try to view empathy as a talent of sorts, and make the most of it whilst keeping the consequences at bay. @ adastra ‘I do so because â€œthisâ€ happens to nearly every person i know after they travel.’ Of course, I’m well aware of travellers syndrome. Since 2001, I have not spent more than 3 years consecutively in australia. But this is a little more than travellers syndrome. Australia is so incredibly white and bourgeouis and irritating to see (especially the film industry) and it’s so frustrating that the mentality here is to just take care of your own lot, to hell with everyone else. It’s ironic since the economic crash has now rendered Australia one of the richer countries in the world. We are now doing WAY better than USA and UK, yet, the mentality shift didn’t follow. There is still no sense of social responsibiility. Australians still play the role of little aussie battler, even with their comfortable house, stable economy and sporadic trips to exotic islands in the pacific. ‘thier self worth comes from everyday vs say bigger more dramamtic exciting things, like living os or working on high profile projects etc â€¦’ This is assuming that their life has intrinsic value on it’s own. Me personally I never felt my life had any value. I would die tomorrow if it wouldn’t cause anyone greif. I honestly feel that life is largely futile, so I would like to dedicate my life to a greater purpose, regardless of whether it’s ‘everyday’ or ‘more dramatic and exciting’. Given that I don’t value my life, but I’m stuck here, the only solution is to use it to improve the quality of those who do actually value their lives. That is not me seeking ‘action and adventure’. It is me seeking purpose and meaning. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 1:59 pm @deathbug: who is the real deathbug and who are you? Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 2:02 pm @deathbug if you’re going to lie about who you claim to be, at least check what you write. ‘MY mother?’ don’t you mean, ‘HER mother’??? Log in to Reply Procel 1/3/2012 - 2:05 pm apparently she was his addoptive sister Log in to Reply Dawg 1/3/2012 - 2:06 pm No one is “100%” anything really – but you’re right, the more experience and understanding, the more likely stuff can’t rattle us – additionally, learning how to rationalize the intent of others actions to a point of not taking them as a personal attack but rather them upset with themselves and lashing out at whoever is the closest target. When you employ that type of thinking/processing, you find you start to respond with empathy and kindness to offer assistance instead of anger at being “attacked”. This can e learned at any age – realizing it’s value is a sign of maturity. Conversely – my humor tends to be sophomorish – that keeps me young 😉 silly dawg Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 2:09 pm one ~ but Iâ€™m stuck here, the only solution is to use it to improve the quality of those who do actually value their lives. Despite what you may think, i think you’re a vg human being, highly generous, and yes empathy does carry value …. as do you too … ps: what area of film do you work in ? behind or in front of camera? pre/post? Not promising anything, but i could put some feelers out ~ assuming u are looking…? As u know its a v tough ind, more so in Aust. But its about connections etc .. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 2:12 pm @deathbug I find it distasteful of you to post in the name of your sister on this site. Don’t be lazy and make a new account. @dawg ‘learning how to rationalize the intent of others actions to a point of not taking them as a personal attack but rather them upset with themselves and lashing out at whoever is the closest target. When you employ that type of thinking/processing, you find you start to respond with empathy and kindness to offer assistance instead of anger at being â€œattackedâ€.’ So so true. I can’t remember exactly when this happened with me, it was a while ago, and it was a conscious decision, but I remember how refreshing it was to respond with understanding instead of futile anger. It’s best to be old in the mind and young in the heart. I think it’s the only way to make any sense of this world. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 2:15 pm lol dawg… humour wise i can be childish 🙂 “learning how to rationalize the intent ..” is a key point. I find many, many people have good intent, religions, politicians, CEOs; but i may disagree with their methodology because i tend to be fixated on the reality of results and level of greater good achieved. We can talk till the cows come home (as seems the case in US politics), and this can go quite far in helping us broaden our understanding, but at the end i measure success not by the pats on the back but by results. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 2:15 pm excuse me, ALL politics! Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 2:18 pm polticans are more interested in back slapping and getting weekly poll points vs any real substantial change / improvement. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 2:19 pm @adastra, kind of you to offer…what do you do? I am an editor, actually don’t really need extra paying work… I make my money in commercials and TV which depresses the hell out of me so I opt instead to work only as much as I need to to live (usually about one week in every month) What I’m actually interested in is creative drama projects. It’s hard to find a good one with high production values and good acting. It’s the art that I’m missing, not the money side. I already have an agent getting me the money stuff… I’m from the AFTRS if that helps, before it turned to shit, when they were still doing the Masters courses. Anyway, this year I’m going back to school to study social work, my grand plan is to qualify as a social worker and try to do that part time, and still make my art projects part time. ultimately the point is to make my money in less dispicable ways. Although social work is low payed, so I’d probably still do a commericial every now and then to top up my income. Log in to Reply adastra 1/3/2012 - 2:31 pm *sigh* every commercial tv person wants to go to *FILM* ~ the holy grail of self expression …. im being part sarcastic and part not … TV is often a vg living …. at least be thankful for that bec there are many that cant even get into it … I cant tell you how many tv side pple i have met who arent happy … its an epidemic! But i do *like* A LOT that you seem to have a high sense of pragmatism balanced with your creative side. I’ve worked with a lot of creatives in the past and i have my own theories on it, but many are rarely happy, its quite bizarre. Yes i know AFTRS (v highly regarded internt), you would likely have known some pple i know, along with current pple i know doing tv drama (writers & producers) – cant give names here sorry obv … As for me, i worked mostly for large multinats and now consult to small/med bus helping them to grow etc . Appreciate film and have a small working knowledge of the industry only. I mainly have dealt with ad agencies … smaller houses Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 3:50 pm @adastra – I don’t dispute that TV and commercials is a very good living. But it is not why I became an editor. Ultimately I am a storyteller. specifically fiction. I have little interest in non-fiction. I don’t watch tv at all, apart from TV drama. TV editing (ie. lifestyle and reality) is almost paint by numbers. I barely get to excercise any creative autonomy. Film has its own challenges but there’s a huge difference between how you approach it. You work at a character and story level, and that is the reason I became an editor. Shaping a character is the most creatively fulfilling and delightful thing that I know how to do. Log in to Reply lucy4 1/3/2012 - 4:11 pm @ one_day; That’s interesting, the idea of an out of country marriage partner coming along and whisking you away. I seriously considered leasing (with option to purchase) a mail order bride about 6 or 7 years ago. I had a house with a big lawn, and I spent 25 or so days per month gone. I had to work like a dog in order to pay the bills. The lawn would usually die, by the time I got back from a trip, and mail would get crammed to the point where the mail man would stop delivering. All that work to pay for something I hardly ever enjoyed. My plan back then was to import either an Asian or Russian girl who spoke just enough English. She’d be in charge of watering the plants, tending the garden, getting the mail, etc.,. I’d teach her how to drive, she could go grocery shopping. It seemed like a win/win situation. She’d be liberated from her impoverished country, I’d have a healthy lawn. I never went through with it. But I still half-heartedly dwell on that fantasy from time to time. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 4:28 pm @Lucy I would make an appalling mail order bride. I speak far too much English and too lazy to water the lawn. Also too lazy to fulfil any other wifely duties. I’m more looking for a friendly favor than a legitimate job offer but best of luck with your rental and let me know how it goes… If I get really desperate Log in to Reply lucy4 1/3/2012 - 4:30 pm @one_day; Hahaha. That wasn’t a proposal, I’m sorry if I misrepresented myself. Log in to Reply one_day 1/3/2012 - 4:36 pm @Lucy I am under no illusions you and I can live under the same roof! 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