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just saying

by clarity1987

My suicide story isn’t base on a single dramatic occurrence or a series of bad hands dealt to me by life, like so many have posted concerning their suicide stories. Like many (if not all) here I have been dealing with deep depression, manic mood swings, and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, that at times feels all consuming. Again, my path to suicide wasn’t due to a traumatic event but rather a fucking series of mundane, minutiae life events that have led me to deciding to off myself at the end of lackluster, Loserville 25 year bullshit life. All my life I haven’t amounted to anything worthwhile due to me being a total ***** and never having enough balls to follow through with anything……..and I many anything. Since history tends to repeats itself I foresee another X amount of years being a complete loser, and since the last 25 years were so fun filled & fulfilling, I have chosen not to stick around to experienced that againP.

Even though I do have a normal, somewhat loving family & a great job, but that still does not lessen the fact that I’m lonely, that I hate myself , I tend to hurt the people close to me the most & again……….Loser. Like so many of the other posts that I have read here, I too have a fast approaching date with suicide & I simply wanted to vent before I actually follow through with it. I have made some preparations for my family, my mom especially, in efforts to mitigate her pain with my letter & some money that I have saved up over the years.

Not sure if I believe in Heaven or Hell

The only thing I think of more often is how I think I will feel on that morning at dawn in mid March. There no significant reason why I settled on the 18th, I guess I thought it’s just as good of a date as any other. Completely random.

Just venting

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MistyJas 1/11/2012 - 4:34 am

The Ides of March is known as a troublesome passage. Perhaps you channeled this subconsciously. We all must pass some day. Hopefully you’ll reconsider how much of a “loser” you are compared to people with in-born illnesses and pathologies. They never had a chance at a normal life. At least you managed to amount to something notable with yours…

softsoul 1/11/2012 - 10:18 am

It’s amazing how people speak about the atrocities in the world and yet the worst is the relationship we have with our own self. If you walked up to someone on the street, or in a mall and called them a loser, you’d probably get a punch in the eye. So why would you come to the conclusion that you’re a loser and tell that to your own self? Wow!

I could sit here all day and speak to the contrary of your statement but it’s what you believe that is at the root of all of what you’re experiencing. Life is a test, there’s no way to fail it…it’s just life, so why not irrespective of the circumstances, respect and love yourself anyway. You’re only defined by what you tell yourself about yourself continuously..all day every day. You’re hurting others cause you hurt yourself through your self talk….I did that, great lesson!

Whether you want to believe it or not, it is best to cross over with as much love in your heart for yourself and all things. Life is a process as is the transition in what we call death…the way we live assists that transition. It is still a challenge for me, but I practice thinking good thoughts, which produce a better feeling within myself. My quality of life is anything but stellar but I do not define myself by that, nor would I encourage you to. Good luck!

dayjm 1/11/2012 - 1:13 pm

I found this site seeking answers to why my brother/best friend committed suicide at the end of November. I know I will never find them but I wanted to comment on this because it pulls at my heart. What you wrote is almost identical to what my brother wrote to me in his suicide letter. He was such a fun, loving, smart, honest and amazing person. I could not stop smiling and laughing when I was around him because that was who he was. However, he had messed up a relationship with the girl he wanted to marry a few years ago, he quit college and got a job that he hated, etc. Ultimately he honestly believed that he was a loser and that he would never amount to anything. However, look at how I described him, and look at how he thought of himself. He had so much going for him but he was so blinded and deceived by self hate that he couldn’t get past it.
I cannot describe to you how it was felt living life without him these past few months. He was truly my best friend and it has left a painstaking ache in my heart that will never go away. So please remember those that you will be leaving behind if you follow through with this. Even if you think that no one cares, they do. Even if you don’t see it, every person you have ever been in contact with has been impacted by you, even if it was in the smallest of ways, we are all connected. People will notice when you are gone, and it will leave a mark on their lives forever that can never be washed away.

molly woppit 1/11/2012 - 1:40 pm

I can relate to the depression and the manic mood swings theyvare a bain of our life wow your only 25 i remember when i was your age i was in the thick of trying to off myself and desperatly trying to get that dirt nap.i put my family through hell as they watched me time and time again in icu on the brink of death.i still think about it but im 43 now.are you on meds?have you tryed councilling?i had 15 years of no symptoms and then whammo worse than ever i think if you sit down and think things through youll realise no letter or amount of money will help your mum deal with what you have in mind believe me my mum has 13 letters she kept them all i have no idea what i wrote….what im trying to say is forget the date and try get past where your at i bet you are a cool guy youre just to depressed to know it.mania is really distressing ive been there running through the streets naked feels good at the time lol feel free to message me but above all im trying to give you some hope dont give up use that money youve saved to improve your life maybe ….

clarity1987 10/29/2015 - 8:28 pm

Im still here. Thanks

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