It a bit hard to sum up ones failures in life in a quick way however I will try my best; thanks to everyone that reads it,
Basically I was abused and neglected emotionally as a child sometimes physically- my mom tried her best to make me as wimpy as possible as she is a social retard who attacks and sabotages her children when ever she can and will attack anyone displaying any sort of healthy self esteem, she’s also a drug addict although not a ‘hard’ one a medicated and tobacco one. I have no idea why she does this and she has a completly chaotic nature, the way to suceed and the only way I ever did anything was to get the fuck away from her, she has an extreme hate of other women as well who display any sort of sexuality or healthy self esteem and other women hate her in general.
I was always told negative things about myself and looked down on by my relatives as well, my mother would always play stupid mind games- for D-R-A-M-A and have issues with control and authority. My childhood wasn’t as bad as my teenage years and obviously as a child I wasn’t able to tell how screwed over I was. When I was around 10 I was almost abducted when walking home from school and when I told my mother this she didn’t bother calling the police becuse she couldn’t be bothered dealing with it; she just said it was my imagination. I was so scared walking to school each day after that that I went a longer route and went with other classmates.
When I reached teenage hood it got really bad for then I was able to ‘call her on her shit’ and that’s when the emotionally abuse got really intense. I was also picked on in school because I was shy and awkward and my mother made sure I was as awkward as possible, heaven forbid I be popular. (I also write this as an adult and not an angst teen.) I slowly developed into an adult and built my own world and had my own healthy self image, it was plagued however by friends randomly turning on me (as they often do at that age) for ‘some reason’ and because I had such low self esteem I would often make friends with people who didn’t value me properly. Anyway this continued into adulthood; I never had much luck with getting jobs so I never really took off as an adult and was as a result never able to get away from her…
I trained for so many jobs and gained lots of different qualifications but I never got a job even know I applied for so many, I only had a short employment at a petrol station where I was treated like shit by the manager who did her best to get me fired as soon as possible; for I was overqualified and she was looking at being replaced herself. (head office did the hiring not the store) as such I never got to move out and get away from this fat piece of trash shit called my mother and develop properly.Â As such as well I never really was able to let women love me because I was afraid I couldn’t take care of them and didn’t have much to offer them as well as since I was never shown any love or affection I wasn’t able to replicate this and pushed women away even know I was good looking and there where lots of lovely women I wanted to get to know better and fall in love with; some times I don’t know how I didn’t end up a serial killer with a mother like mine, but there is no way I would hurt others or abuse them.
Even know I never really ‘got a job’ I was still able to learn to drive and complete a lot of qualifications which I am proud of I was also still able to try my best at trying new hobbies and interests and find my ‘real identity,’ with the money from working at a petrol station I brought some nice things for myself like furniture and a nice watch.
In the end I ended up having a mental breakdown after doing everything I possibly could in my mind to get another job so I could get away from my abusive mother and have some sort of life, I am an adult in his mid to late 20’s now and have nothing to really offer women and have failed. Now I have had a mental breakdown I have agoraphobia and social anxiety ect I have tried combatting this but have failed and see no hope.
In life I just wanted to live a nice life that was as ‘drama free’ as possible, I also wanted some one to love me as no one ever did before…. I wanted a nice stable family where we didn’t have to worry so much about problems and my kids could have a proper mother and my wife would love me. I tried my best to also get an education and train in skills but there where no jobs for me and now I’m stuffed as I can’t leave the house. It looks nothing good is not going to happen and nothing has worked despite me trying my best, I have therefore made plans to kill myself shortly and am just doing a few more things before I carry out my task. I really hope no one else had a life like mine and that other people don’t have to do this.
That’s my basic story in brief thnks for reading if you got to the end. I dare say there’s a lot more I could of added or left out but oh well. I know with this global depression there are lots of people doing it tough but I never got the chance to be ‘free’ or have things decent. I was always good with money but that don’t matter if your poor anyway. I think I will give my things when I die to one of the girls who I wanted to ask out; I know it might seem creepy stalker of me but at least someone could use my furniture ect. and at least my ‘family- who lead me to my death’ wont get it.