My worst fear

Every second I’m awake I wish I was asleep, but the cruelest joke this life plays on me is to not let me experience sleep. I fall asleep and immediately wake up 8 hours later (like everyone else). My worst fear is that when sweet sweet death finally comes, it will be exactly like sleep, and I’ll simply wake up seemingly immediately and be forced to be alive once more. I’m 25, and havnt learned a damned thing my entire life. All I did was play sports throughout my life until college where I picked up drinking and smoking weed. My life is horrible. I don’t leave my house. I’m broker than shit. I own nothing of worth and am worth negative 100k. How? School loans. Like an absolute idiot I went to school out of state to see the world or some dumb shit, and I borrowed away to get my worthless fucking state college liberal arts fucking degree. The only reason I havn’t killed myself is because my Dad cosigned the school loan and if I killed myself it would be on him. Honestly, I might do it anyway. I would feel like a complete asshole, but I mean, I would be dead so I wouldn’t really feel anything.
I can’t stand myself. I’ve been fired from 5 jobs and have no idea what I want to do for work. I don’t want to deal with life. I love my family and friends, but not nearly enough to be a reason to live. There are no material things that I desire enough to want to work hard to attain them. I’m too stupid to make any kind of real money anyway. That is a harsh reality to cope with. Suicide is illegal. How ridiculous.
So what am I to do? My current plan is to kill myself when my Dad dies, but I might cave and do it sooner. He is 68 though so I would only have to wait 20 years probably. I spent all day in bed today. I threw up partially from being hungover and partially from depression. I cut myself with this knife I stole. That’s the first time I’ve cut, great start to 2012. God I hope the world ends this year. The end to this fucked human experiment will be soon enough though, so that gives me hope. How? Overpopulation. The only thing that I’ve been smart enough to figure out. So obvious. But who knows when it will be. Could be tomorrow, could be 100 years from now, not much longer though at our current rate. This knowledge doesn’t really help me though. Once we started farming 10,000 years ago we became a plague and a virus upon the earth, and I need to figure out how to assimilate and enjoy this fucked up life people live.

I cry all the time. I’m diagnosed Bipolar although I think its just severe onset depression. I’m depressed because I’m dumb (foremost), useless, directionless, aspirationless, broke and taking other people down with me. I’m truly worth less than worthless. I’m a negative to everything around me. I don’t get out of bed until I absolutely have to, and I’ve pissed away many many many hours doing nothing in bed. I’m in bed now and spent literally all day here even though it’s my best friend and roommates birthday. That in combination with the alcoholism has left me a dumb twat. I don’t desire to learn anything new, which means I’m going to be dumb until I finally die, whenever that will be (hopefully soon).

I was hospitalized because my brother is a psychiatrist and diagnosed me bipolar 1 when I thought I was jesus more or less. He smart Me dumb. I’m intelligent enough to know I’m not smart. In this society I’m going to be struggling to make ends meet my whole life. I’m going to be depressed forever. Its not worth it. I need to start researching ways to kill yourself. It can’t be too hard.

I hate that I have to do things. I want to do nothing. I want to do nothing and experience the nothing so as to avoid skipping right to something like sleep. I’m honestly scared that that is how death will be, and I’m just going to wake up as some other form of life. I woke up from death sleep way too soon. I need more rest. I need death. I need out. This world is evil.