relapse

Hey there
As a fellow, for the time-being ex-, cutter, I can only say don’t do it too deeply. And good for you for thinking of it showing. I wish I’d never cut on my arms, because it shows in summer and it’s a real pain (no pun intended) when you start your professional life – everybody notices it but no one ever says a thing, makes for a lot of awkward pauses. Some people will probably say I’m giving you bad advice now because it looks like I’m encouraging your habit – I’m not!! But I know the rush from the cutting (used to film myself when I did it in fact) and how empowering it is to trace the fresh scars the following days. And what you said about it being a form of discipline is soooo true!!! Non-cutters would probably think that’s crazy, but sometimes it was the only structure my life had at all, the only control I felt I had. But I would suggest that you try to curb yourself in how much you cut – I got to a place where just the smallest cut would satisfy me because I told myself beforehand that’s all I’d get that day, so better enjoy it. And the small single cut felt all the more awesome for that. Plus, I dedect that you do have some inner turmoil re. the habit – why else write the post? So yeah, baby steps in cutting (again no pun intended) it down some. But, on the other hand, don’t hate yourself if you overstep the bounds either.
So yeah, I get the need and in all probability there’s nothing I (anyone?) could say to dissaude you from the cutting. And why should we, for that matter? It is your body and I respect that. Just take it from someone who knows: stay away from any place that would ever be visible in a general gathering of people! And try to make shallow cuts as far as possible.

As to the compulsive eating and being/feeling overweight – I get that too. Been “pudgy” my entire life and only managed to shake off (some of) the weight when I was feeling happier in other areas of my life. As to that, I know it sounds weird, but don’t hit yourself with a big ol’ guilt stick any time you slip up in this regard. It’s a coping mechanism; don’t make it a bigger problem than that, because that just makes it spiral. Same thing goes for getting high, although I would recommend staying away from anything heavier than weed or shrooms – the more “chemical” drugs usually have more repercussions than they’re worth.
As to the issue of your mom, it’s excellent that you’re at least willing to try the meditation thing. Kudos! I was also incredibly sceptical about the whole “esoteric” thing to start with, but it was definitely part of what made me better in the end. I’d highly recommend trying some mindfulness exercises – different from meditation. Google it and try it – what have you got to lose other than the 10 minutes the exercise will take?

As a final note, speaking for myself, life as whole gets better sometime around the early to mid-twenties. Try to hold out until then, because there’s some mind-blowing awesome sh*t on your way! Good luck!