summer 011′

i know that its almost feburary, but my past still really bothers me. i feel like noone can ever begin to understand, but its worth a shot. when i began high school i was confident and had many friends. no rumors were spread about me, everyone thought i was sweet and innocient and life was great. i always had a crush on a boy who was 2 years older then me but i was “together” with his friend. anyways, in 10th grade he bagan texting me. i was a tease and said some flirty things. when we finally hungout at my friends house i was very drunk, too drunk to be around 12th grade boys. he asked me to go into my friends laundry room. i dont remember much after that. i just remember saying it hurt and him kissing my check and telling me to sit next to him on the floor. later i was crying to my friend after he left because i lost my virginity to him. it was the second boy i had ever kissed in my life and the first time i had ever hungout with him. i cried myself to sleep that night. and the next night. i felt terrible. he acted as nothing had happened when rumors went around the school and told them he was “passed out drunk and when he woke up a girl was riding him”.. this made me feel even worse. still he continued to text me almost everyday and made attempts to hangout. after awhile, i hungout with him again and again and wed have sex sometimes. he was never mean to me, he just never treated me the way he treated other girls. then we stopped talking. after him i felt like i had to get over him by using other guys. most guys were random. i became someone i wasnt. i got crazy and started hooking up with guys almost every other night sometimes 2 or 3 in a night. i hated myself. so then i started cutting myself. i drifted away from all my friends and hungout with only “bad kids”. sometimes i didnt even want to live anymore because i hated the things i did. i had to drink every night or i was unhappy. but even when i did drink id cut myself and cry. occasionally id even drink alone in my room. i started stealing alot too. i stole clothes makeup food… anything. one day i robbed over $100 worth of clothes at department stores in the mall. they caught me in walmart on the cameras and to this day i get anxiety when passing walmart. it was a horrible experience. i hit rock bottom after that. i lost myself, and everybody knew it. to make things even worse, my parents found my diary. i wrote EVERYTHING in this book from drinking, to sneaking out , guys id hooked up with, cutting myself and my depression. my parents had a huge talk with me and we all cried. things are still different between us sometimes, but i got my life back together again. sometimes i still get really depressed for days at a time but i try to look at the positives in life. im more happy now but i still have deep red scars from cutting myself all over my body. it sucks that i can never truely erase my past and will always have the evidence on my arms and legs. i hate when people ask questions about where they come from, any suggestions on what to say lol ?…anyways, i stilll talk to the boy i lost my virginity to and dont blame him for what i did to myself. i was just too young too handle the silly rumors spread by highschoolers who didnt know anything about me. i will never make the mistakes ive made in my past, but without them i truely wouldnt be who i am today.

i hope this can help people who are in a slump :/
stay positive, suicide is never the answer 🙂