farmerstrong13.Â Thank you for your post.Â Actually I do not believe you can imagine how I feel unless you know my story; so this is the short long version.
I am in my early seventies and totally sane and rational. ( I think) I am an engineer with a highly scientific background and with personal interests and hobbies in astronomy and physics however my memory for technical stuff is going fast. CRS.
I do not believe in any scriptural deities and classify myself as an agnostic-deist.Â I define that, as a person that accepts the possibility something, or some entity may have been instrumental in the creation of our universe, that could be classified by us dumb humans as god-like. But I have seen no proof that such a thing exists but keep my mind open to the possibility something like that could exist. [ Now please reread the previous three sentences] Â I did not say that I believe, only that I accept the possibility. However I am always left with the big question, â€œwho created the creator?â€â€¦ and to say that He is forever does not cut the mustard with me.Â No such creator would need my approval or worship.Â I have been a non-believer for at least 65 years even though I have read the Bible cover to cover three times and have listened to the complete Bible read on tape more than a dozen times. I have also made forays into most other religions and philosophies.Â By reading all the various scriptures, it is that which has kept me a non-believer in mansâ€™ word of god.
I have no objections to others finding comfort in religious scripture or organized religion or even in a particular god and I will not insist that my beliefs are the only possible ones and that you must believe, in order to find comfort or even salvation. Â I must insist that you respect my beliefs, or lack thereof and afford me the same courtesy that I give you.Â I am going nowhere when I die, so I have no fear.
Some have accused me of being angry at â€œGod,â€Â but that is like saying that I am angry at Harry Potter or Thor. In my mind these are all just fantasies and fairy tales that would never enter my mind in times of danger or unhappiness.Â No insult intended. God does not exist in my mind and I am very comfortable with that.
What would it take to make me Believe? An amputee growing back a limb before my eyes.Â Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof.
Â That ends my explanation of my religious proclivities.
Now to the real-world explanation of my dilemma. Â For reasons that I will not expand upon, for all intent I am totally broke and will be out of money by the end of this (January) month. I have no means to get enough cash to even survive.Â My insurance will expire and so will my supply of medications that I am prescribed for my health issues.Â I will have no place to live, and for the last 6 weeks have had no oil to heat my house. At present it is 49 degrees in here. I am F***ing cold!!! Â I have zero people that I could live with. Friends that I thought I had are non-existent or have dropped out of sight.Â I have lived totally alone for the past 28 years. Â Totally aloneâ€¦no one has entered my present house in all that time except for my landlord for the past 19 years.Â I am a hermit most of the time, but not anti social. I have had outside social activities. Â ;(
Since I have anticipated causing my own demise should the need become essential for at least the last ten years, I am not rushing into this willy-nilly.Â At my age, I feel that I have given life a fair shake and have not given up at what now seem like minor provocations in the past; and believe me I have been tested, with extreme bad luck most of my life, some of which I have brought upon myself and also by others, and the bad luck of the draw.Â However, I have never been in trouble with the law even though I have smoked a few joints.
It has not always been bad; it is just that it has never been really good for any length of time. I am not unhappy or wallowing in self pity, I am just not happy.Â The mediocrity that I have lived through has become very tiring.
I have given life a run for its money and now I am tired and want to take a dirt nap. Â This is my self proclaimed right. Â I have given others the pleasure or displeasure of my company for over 70 years and now it is time to think of myself.Â If you feel I should stick around for someoneâ€™s comfort or entertainment, then it is you or them that are being selfish.Â (I think that I wrote that some other place on this list. Sorry for the repetition. )
I wish everyone on this list, a happy life and hope they find a solution to their angst without having to end it all. You may want to check the posts next week for Failed Attempts.Â If my bad luck continues, I will post there and tell you what went wrong with my plans.Â 🙂