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That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

by deadright

farmerstrong13.  Thank you for your post.  Actually I do not believe you can imagine how I feel unless you know my story; so this is the short long version.

I am in my early seventies and totally sane and rational. ( I think) I am an engineer with a highly scientific background and with personal interests and hobbies in astronomy and physics however my memory for technical stuff is going fast. CRS.

I do not believe in any scriptural deities and classify myself as an agnostic-deist.  I define that, as a person that accepts the possibility something, or some entity may have been instrumental in the creation of our universe, that could be classified by us dumb humans as god-like. But I have seen no proof that such a thing exists but keep my mind open to the possibility something like that could exist. [ Now please reread the previous three sentences]  I did not say that I believe, only that I accept the possibility. However I am always left with the big question, “who created the creator?”… and to say that He is forever does not cut the mustard with me.  No such creator would need my approval or worship.  I have been a non-believer for at least 65 years even though I have read the Bible cover to cover three times and have listened to the complete Bible read on tape more than a dozen times. I have also made forays into most other religions and philosophies.  By reading all the various scriptures, it is that which has kept me a non-believer in mans’ word of god.

I have no objections to others finding comfort in religious scripture or organized religion or even in a particular god and I will not insist that my beliefs are the only possible ones and that you must believe, in order to find comfort or even salvation.  I must insist that you respect my beliefs, or lack thereof and afford me the same courtesy that I give you.  I am going nowhere when I die, so I have no fear.

Some have accused me of being angry at “God,”  but that is like saying that I am angry at Harry Potter or Thor. In my mind these are all just fantasies and fairy tales that would never enter my mind in times of danger or unhappiness.  No insult intended. God does not exist in my mind and I am very comfortable with that.

What would it take to make me Believe? An amputee growing back a limb before my eyes.  Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof.

 That ends my explanation of my religious proclivities.

Now to the real-world explanation of my dilemma.  For reasons that I will not expand upon, for all intent I am totally broke and will be out of money by the end of this (January) month. I have no means to get enough cash to even survive.  My insurance will expire and so will my supply of medications that I am prescribed for my health issues.  I will have no place to live, and for the last 6 weeks have had no oil to heat my house. At present it is 49 degrees in here. I am F***ing cold!!!  I have zero people that I could live with. Friends that I thought I had are non-existent or have dropped out of sight.  I have lived totally alone for the past 28 years.  Totally alone…no one has entered my present house in all that time except for my landlord for the past 19 years.  I am a hermit most of the time, but not anti social. I have had outside social activities.  ;(

Since I have anticipated causing my own demise should the need become essential for at least the last ten years, I am not rushing into this willy-nilly.  At my age, I feel that I have given life a fair shake and have not given up at what now seem like minor provocations in the past; and believe me I have been tested, with extreme bad luck most of my life, some of which I have brought upon myself and also by others, and the bad luck of the draw.  However, I have never been in trouble with the law even though I have smoked a few joints.

It has not always been bad; it is just that it has never been really good for any length of time. I am not unhappy or wallowing in self pity, I am just not happy.  The mediocrity that I have lived through has become very tiring.

I have given life a run for its money and now I am tired and want to take a dirt nap.  This is my self proclaimed right.  I have given others the pleasure or displeasure of my company for over 70 years and now it is time to think of myself.  If you feel I should stick around for someone’s comfort or entertainment, then it is you or them that are being selfish.  (I think that I wrote that some other place on this list. Sorry for the repetition. )

I wish everyone on this list, a happy life and hope they find a solution to their angst without having to end it all. You may want to check the posts next week for Failed Attempts.  If my bad luck continues, I will post there and tell you what went wrong with my plans.  🙂



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Ashley444 1/16/2012 - 7:06 pm

I liked you after reading the first few sentences. I think we have a similar way of thinking. I myself am religious. However, My beliefs are exactly that; my own. I would never force them upon someone else or insist that I (and no else) is right. I am firm in my beliefs, but I accept the fact that I might be wrong.
That being said, I’m not sure what else to say… It’s your right to choose to die, just as much as it is your right to live. I can’t say much else unless you want to hear some useless platitudes.

Even though it may not mean much to you, I will be praying for you.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever choices you make,

chrissie 1/16/2012 - 7:14 pm

First let me say that you are totally intelligent..you read a whole lot. I can tell you that ive met many people in my life like you, although I don’t prefer to..just to be honest. I’m not a hateful person and you may not be either but the ones ive met are pretty hateful..again no disrespect. Everyone has a choice in what they believe in. I will say this..everyone in this world is different..no two people are the same. What made you believe that there is no caring creator? Do you not believe you were born out of love? Last, when you die at the end and you find out there is a God(as I know there is because ive seen him)..wouldn’t you be better off believing than not believing? We are all given gifts in our lives..you can ask God through prayer and he’ll open your eyes to see. Ive had many struggles and doubts in my life time but I do believe in God..he’s shown me a whole lot. Can you not see yourself in the mirror? Can you not see any good inside you? I’m sure God can change that..nothing is impossible through Christ who strengthens me.

farmerstrong13 1/16/2012 - 7:26 pm

Chrissie, well said.

Deadright, make sure you are happy with your decision before you make an attempt to take your own life. It is a big decision that is not to be taken lightly. If that is your final decision, I’m happy I had the privilege to talk to a person that was as nice as you. It was truly my pleasure.

U.N. Owen 1/16/2012 - 7:36 pm

I must say I share your philosophy concerning religion to a tee.
And your post was well written and details a lot of how I feel albeit I’m considerably younger.
No offense but I do not want to make it to your age and still feel the same way.
I can never totally understand but i get it as much as an outsider can.

And you are another perfect example that one can be rational in ending their existence.
Wishing you success and peace in your endings.

Wish I had you as a mentor growing up.

HowCanWeKnow 1/16/2012 - 7:45 pm

Hi deadright, this is my first time posting on this website so I hope any mutual rule that I might break will be understood.

I just wish there were more people like you around me. I am 17 years old and very motivated and opened to understanding interesting ideas. About a year ago, I decided that I will not call myself a Christian any more for several good reasons. This was a huge step for me because my father is the head of an iconic organization devoted to ‘saving’ people in rural jungle areas. Christopher Hitchens (RIP), Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins helped me to be an opened minded individual and except other possibilities based on their evidence and logic although it may hurt my pride. I debated with a lot of Christians before (mostly with Christian teachers) and honestly, most of them demonstrate a surprising amount of ignorance and hypocrisy. However, I am still open minded to new ideas that present reasonable evidence, just like you are.

I like you sir. I like the fact that you and I have a lot in common despite our age. I enjoy joints from time to time myself. I wish I can have a nice chat with you, it is really hard to find people like you nowadays. Since you are also much more experienced with life, I wish I can hear some wise words only personal experience can bring. Stay optimistic, because complaining about problems will not solve anything. That is what fools do.

deadright 1/17/2012 - 1:07 am

How-can-we-know. I am new also and have only been here a couple of weeks but wish that I had found this site a few years ago.
I am a somewhat judgmental person but only in my own mind and never intentionally hurt someone else with what I may think. I try to never condemn anyone because they are different from me or others. Everyone has a right to be themselves and express out loud what they think, so long as you do not intentionally try to hurt others. My mother told me when I was very young, “You do not have to be your brother’s keeper, so long as you are not his persecutor.” I have tried to live by that rule.
There are many people that come into your life over the years, some of them try to help you and be your friend, some try to control you, while others like to hurt you either mentally or physically, only you can figure out what they are doing to you.
Although I am older than dirt, I am mentally young and really do not care for others that are my own age since they have usually lost their sense of adventure and are stuck in their old ways. If I see a young guy walking down the street with green spiked hair, I do not think…”What an asshole”, I think that he probably put a lot of effort in making his hair stand up like that. Because I like to try new things within reason, I let my hair grow out and told the barber how to cut and style it. Yes, it looked great for one day but I could never make it stand up like that myself even though I would try for hours. That sucked…but at least I tried it. Yes, I am not bald and have more hair than most thirty year old’s.
What you have to figure out is how far you can take being different and still keep what friend you have. If you lose two friends but gain three new ones you are on the right track. If you lose a whole bunch of friends because of something insignificant, then they were not your friends in the first place.
As to smoking pot, I could take it or leave it, but I never had the desire to try pills, coke or anything stronger that a little weed. I kept away from everything that could gain control of me. That is important to me. If you are not in control of what you put into your body, you will be sliding down a slippery slope. So the first priority is to not get hooked on the strong stuff in the first place and if it is already too late make an extra effort to get clean. Would anyone really want to kill themselves if their mind was clouded by drugs? The problem is that getting off drugs and staying off is a real ***** and requires more effort than killing yourself. A good friend of mine got hooked and it was not a happy thing to see him trying to get clean. That being said, I have not found a supplier of weed that I could trust, so I have not smoked for years, but that does not mean that if someone I knew handed me a joint that I would not take hit.  I still like loud Rock Concerts and music and I am usually the oldest one there. Music that you like is a great way to distract you from the “shits.” The next time that you feel down and out, crank up the volume and sing along with the lyrics. The louder the music the better you sound. 😉
I have stayed alive for the past few years, by assigning myself short tasks and then when the tasks are done find another one for a few weeks or months. There was this old series on TV that I really liked called “The Shield” that I really wanted to see the last episode. That kept me going for two years. The idea is to distract yourself with things you like, no matter how few of them you may seem to have.

I have been a Non-believer since I was six years old and my school had compulsory Bible studies and I would disrupt the class by asking too many questions and making comments, like a lot of the Bible did not make sense to me.
As for the three authors you mentioned, I have met all of them at a conference in DC a few years ago. All of them made you think and question in ways you had not thought of before. It is not a crime to disagree with someone else, ask questions and inform them that they have not convinced you. As a matter of fact I believe that by questioning things, it makes it easier to clear your mind of all the minutia that sometimes clouds our thinking. On the other side of the coin, if you just question to annoy others, people will soon realize that and tune you out.
If a single day goes by that you do not learn something new, then that is a day wasted. That, has been my philosophy all my life.
If you are contemplating suicide now, make some very short range plans for things to do or finish. You do not have to cancel your plans, just postpone them for a short while. Do not make commitments for things years away, just work on a week or month at a time…that is doable. Have fun distracting yourself and trying new things.
Best wishes for now. 🙂

chrissie 1/16/2012 - 10:01 pm

Without faith..it is impossible to please God..this is why you are feeling the way that you are..you don’t believe..you have lost faith..God has took care of you and now you are under conviction. He is making you choose your path..he carries you when you cant handle life’s struggles..if your not on his side..he will go to the one that is on his side first. If you are looking for proof, then you have to have faith first. You cant see..cause you are in the dark. If you judge every church by what someone says or does than of course you can be confused. Noone is perfect..ive seen a lot of Christians fall and they make mistakes but isnt it better to forgive so that if you make mistakes they will forgive you as well. You don’t go to church for other people. You go to church for God tells you to. You go because there are people worse off than you..you need to not focus on yourself..and find what you can do for someone else. You can only be rewarded for kindness that you have given. Have you done anything nice for someone lately?

HowCanWeKnow 1/16/2012 - 10:29 pm

I respect your right to believe whatever you want, im sure you have your own reasons. I do not know what you have been through and you do not know what I have. I am not going to argue this silly matter over this site because it is honestly just a waste of my time and my message was intended for deadright, not you.

chrissie 1/16/2012 - 10:51 pm

Likewise..my post was intended for deadright or for whoever might have lost any faith. You brought up age earlier..you are 17..I’m 34..deadright is 70. Ive talked to a man that was 104 he had a Bible right next to him..he was hateful and ready to die..saying he was just a burden to his family and talked about how they’ve stole everything from him. I myself alone know he just needed someone to talk to..he needed to get out of the house and be with other people..play bingo or travel the world. That day that I talked to him..I think changed him..he couldn’t hardly see, he couldn’t hardly write but Ill tell you that man could run down the hallway with a smile on his face..telling me he was going to live his life and not feel sorry for himself anymore. It took about 30 minutes to change that mans thinking but you cant live life unhappy or else your dead all ready. If you need medication to make you happy then take your medication. Just get out of the situation you are in..whether you put yourself there or someone else did. Make yourself happy!

Aki 1/16/2012 - 11:04 pm

@deadright As with some here, I whole heartedly agree with those few paragraphs you have typed. I do wish there were more people who had the same rationale as you. It’s vexing to try to explain to someone your own beliefs (or lack thereof) and it just seems to pass through one ear and out the other. Then of course, they carry on with their tirade of seemingly never ending ‘encouragements’. I respect everyone’s beliefs, even if they clash with my own, after all, it’s a personal choice.

Aki 1/16/2012 - 11:08 pm

@Chrissie What if what makes you happy is your own death? What of the person who has chosen willingly to cast god away, even after witnessing his power? I’d like to read your opinions, to compare to others if you will.

Dawg 1/16/2012 - 11:22 pm

@Chrissy .. ya know … the man asked ever so nicely that you respect his life long study and foundation of his beliefs … and you wanna go cramming you god down his throat … as if THAT is just what he needs … you know they tried that once (likely many many times) … it was called the Spanish Inquisition … you know … where men of “god” would squash your testicles or shove hot pokers up your twat until you “accepted” the lord as your personal savior …. “IF” there is a god … man has twisted and bastardized the very essence of what he/she/it once was … oh – and the “bible” is a book that was stitched together and creatively “translated” by men with an agenda to usurp power and greed … I’ll pass thanks

but in the mean time – RESPECT what the man has asked.

alien dawg

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