i hate my anxiety. i hate my mental illness. i can’t work because of it. working terrifies me. every time I’ve went to a job interview I’ve had a panic attack or have had to take an Ativan and have been to drugged to be lucid enough to be interviewed. the older i get and the less work experience i acquire the worse it will get. eventually I’ll be 30 applying for a job. and an employer will see my application and ask why a 30 year old has never worked before. and I’ll have to say its because I’m mentally ill. there’s a lot i can’t do. and a lot meds don’t help with. oh yeah that sounds appealing. work discrimination doesn’t mean shit, I’m a liability. and unfortunately i can’t apply for disability because you have to work for at least 3 years to be eligible for it. so i can’t even get any money from there to go to school.Driving is the same exact thing. Getting behind the wheel is absolutely terrifying for me. instant panic attack. i can’t even pull into the fucking driveway.
i know a lot of people out there don’t know what GAD, panic disorder and social anxiety disorder can do to a day to day life. and i don’t expect understanding. i expect most of you to call me lazy and all that fun stuff. but its crippling. every turn leads to a dead end for me.
I’m 21 now. i know there is still time for me where its ok for me to not have done these things yet. but come one by the time I’m 25. isn’t that starting to stretch it? options as far as continuing life become thin….don’t they?
4 comments
Hey JB,
On the contrary, you are none of those bad things you called yourself eg lazy etc.
I completely understand about how anxiety can somewhat limit us albeit temporarily only. The real issue is whats the underlying cause. Often they may be multi-variable factors.
With insight, open discussion and effort on your behalf, things can be changed trust me.
You seem like you want to change things and are prepared to make some effort? Am i right?
Always happy to chat …. here or on email/msn should you like.
Stay well & take care
Ad astra
There is nothing wrong with you, I’m the same way… Except I’m 18, I’m terrified Ill be this way forever. I wish you the best, I hope you find the courage, the strength to get through this, your a strong person. Please just give up your battle, your never alone
I don’t think you’re lazy either. I don’t have anything along the lines that you do but I have had panic attacks (minor ones by your standard, I’m sure) and I know how bad they made me feel. I can only sympathise and wonder if your doctor can’t give you something more to help.
About your long term question, laws are being passed/changed all the time. It’s possible that between now and then, something will have changed. I doubt that they’ll make it so employers have to employ you (and I don’t know if that would be a good thing for you anyway) but they may make it so that you can get some income if you can show that your condition is severe enough to prevent you from working. Only time will tell.
JBQuibbs
I’ve talked to some people who have the same issues.
And there are those who are called hikkikomori who never come out.
It was originally a Japanese term but others in other nations have social anxiety on the scale that it is crippling.
there is this site called HikiCulture.
If you are not already a member i’d recommend going there.
A really understanding group about what you are specifically referring to.
Even though mine is a preference to not around people rather than a fear, it still causes issues.
Have done so since I was little.
But my folks said I had to learn or work to eat so I dealt with it by pulling it all inside and then after work or school coming home and shutting myself in.