Another Round

Its weird how I check into this thing alot now throughout the day. I’m curious to see if other people are out there who feel even a fraction of what I feel.

Today was a very bad day. Its funny when you close your eyes at night thinking  tomorrow will be better, today was the worst it could get. But that wasn’t the case. To end of the horrible day, another Utopian moment happened. Followed by alot of sweet bbm’s and constant pings when a response wasnt received right away. However those are just more moments. False promises made in a moment never mean anything real. Chances are it was forgotten by the time one finished climbing the staircase. Anyone who is reading this right now is probably like what the heck is this chicka talking about- i really don’t care or expect anyone to get me or what I’m trying to say. i just know i run to this every time I get a moment now-because I know its no longer real and I’m tired of being happy for the moment. While your in your castle, I’m in mine. except yours is bright and colorful because you asked me to make it that way so i did as you wished because your my king, no matter what. But through all this, I’ve made my own castle dark, cold and lonely. I’m so lonely. I am surrounded by luxuries and people; Anything I want I can get with the snap of my fingers, but the one small itty bitty thing I NEED I cant get-at all. So tomorrow I wake up and attempt yet another day in this BS called the world. I can guarantee whoever is reading this, i will post again tomorrow evening/night and I will have updates in regards to those “promises and moments” – it will be even messier than tonight. i really wish i had the energy and will to keep on typing and express myself, maybe then someone out there could really identify with me, but i just cant.

When your put in a situation where u have no control and all your rights as a human being is taken away from you-and the only thing keeping you alive and pumping blood through your veins is the simple thought of someone-all communication has been cut off from the outside world. Then to be released and realize everything was gone-you were mislead for a long time. Everything from the guido-mavi’s to the minellis to the chanels-gone. But your still smiling because you know there’s no possible way that person is gone. But that person has changed. Life still continues, people still live and the sun still sets without you. I read in another post on this website someone said-people say that its selfish and you will be hurting the people that love you if you take your own life. She also pointed out the irony in that statement-that those people will get over it, forget you and eventually one day die themselves. So from that-I take one thing: DO U!!! if i really do this on the specific date-for the first time in my life, i will be doing me.