My mom constantly calls me stupid and tells me I’m a jerk, piece of trash, lazy, etc. She’s going through a stressful point in her life and I see it, but why is she hurting me? She doesn’t hit me, at least not physically. But sometimes the things she says hurt worse that the physical things abusive parents do. I’m still young, but even when I was younger I was thought of as something special. I scored off the charts on standarized tests, blew away the standard curriculum at my public school, and was invited into many gifted programs and such. I’m currently in the highest classes available at my school, maintaining a 3.9 GPA, and a 4.8 weighted GPA. This evidently isn’t good enough for my mother as she expects nothing but staight A’s without an effort. So much is expected of me from others and I expect so much of myself, but I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also a championship swimmer, soccer captain, and third chair cello in a prestigious youth symphony. I loved it all, and theres so much more I wanted to do. But I’m exhausted. The constant yelling a bullying from my mother break me so deeply that I can’t do homework, or focus on new music or pacing at practice. I thought my future would be bright, but feeling like this, I;m headed down a dark path. My grades are slipping because I break down nearly every night from stress and feeling like such a failure because of my mother. I’ve recently reached for a knife, wanting to drive it in, to stop this all. But my strong relationship with God is keeping me going. When she says things that hurt so much that I shake until I black out, I think about harming myself physically just to get away form emotional pain. I straying far far away from the path I suposed to stay on. I’m trying to get into a math and science boarding school, where I can go and focus and potentially succeed, away from all this harshness. My science teachers believe in me, but besides them noone is supporting me in my choice to apply, including my friends. If I don;t get in, I’m not sure I can make it another year…
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Don’t you dare give up hope, or listen to what your mother says. Anyone can see you have a bright future ahead of you. There is no need to put so much stress on yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. I wish I was as good as you were. Any student would kill for the opportunities you have. Please try your best, without overloading yourself. its not worth it. I’m sure you will get into the schools you want. You should go for it, no matter what anyone else says.
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Your behaviour is not responsible for other people’s happiness (ie. your mother’s) . Many of us are trained into this belief. If she needs to project her pain on to you, you may consider looking after your own emotional well being because as much as you may love your mom, given the circumstance you need to look after you on every level. To be adored because of your capabilities is not true love. Being loved for the very being that you are is…remember you’re a being, not a doing. Keep looking ahead and focus on feeling good. Stand up for yourself.
Print off your entry here and give it to your mother. Communicate what you feel to her.
thanks for all the advice and support. @titanium69, thats an interesting idea. i’ve told her before how bad she hurts me and she tells me i hurt her by not doing everything she wants me to do. Like if she asks me to fold the laundry, I always get to it, but sometimes not for 3 hours because I’m in the middle of a project or mastering a solo for an audtion or something. she doesn’t get it, and then shell say im lazy, and I tell her it how badly it hurts for her to say that, and shell just tell me I hurt her because I didnt drop everything and fold the fucking laundry.