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Castle Walls

by queen827

Everyone Thinks That I have It All,
But Its So Empty Living Behind These Castle Walls,
If I Should Tumble,
If I Should Fall,
Would Anyone Hearing Me Screaming Behind These Castle Walls,
There’s No One Here At All,
Behind These Castle Walls.

I live a very different life. This is my first time trying something like this, I’m not doing this with the intention that it’ll bring me pity or sympathy from others, Im doing this hoping that it’ll bring me some FORM of peace.

Im not like alot of people out there. I live a very different life. Luxuries people would never even dream of. My ordinary level is some peoples loft hopes and dreams. Regardless of the way my lifestyle was obtained, I’m still a human being who hurts and he doesn’t get that. the weak side of me wants to say this is all 100percent because of him. however the stronger side admits that this is something that he just brought out. My personal life choices made it last and evolve into something this unbearable. I’m hoping over time I’ll be able to let me whole story out, but as of now, Im just not sure what route to take with this. The secrets I hold are too dangerous to even blog about unanimously. This lifestyle has pushed me into a dark corner and I cant see,even with my thousand dollar glasses on. Ive become very lonely. Very cold and bitter, I dont know how to except anything anymore. i dont even know what Im typing right now, it prob. doesnt even make sense-i just know im very sad. The idea of castle walls is that of an image that needs to be upkept and i cant do it anymore. I cant be the queen anymore its too much for me. My whole life turned around in 64 months. I trusted him to always protect me because ialways protected him. I even lost significant opportunities in my life for him and this lifestyle. How Could you after everything i did, after everything i sacrificed for you and us and our lives. Your still here but you have no idea how thick these castle walls have become. i cant be strong anymore. i cant be the ice queen anymore. im tired. very tired. The one time I needed you to have my back you were nowhere to be found. i more than almost wish you did what you did when i was locked up instead of when i got out. how could you leave all my life behind, all my investments, all my important things. everything-gone, because of greed. im very hurt and i dont want to write anymore. maybe later because i have so much to say, but i know it wont make sense. it just wont. i duno about anything anymore. “You Can’t See The Castle Full Of Walls Til It Falls”

Nobody Knows Im All Alone,
Living In This Castle Made Of Stone,
They Say That Money Is Freedom,
But I Feel Trapped Inside It All.
And While I Sit So High Up On This Throne,
I Wonder How I Can Feel This Low,
On Top Of The World Is Beautiful, But There’s No Place To Fall

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4 comments

Amakua2309 2/27/2012 - 9:01 am

Hello Queen,
Nice to see you peek outside your castle walls…and I’m not trying to be funny. But at the beginning you asked some questions…that I would like to answer…atleast with my opinion. But before I begin…maybe I should identify myself…lol…I am a Goddess…top that…jk…but I make my boyfriend call me that and treat me like that…so sorry.
So would anyone hear you behind your castle walls?…Absolutely not…not even literally or metaphorically…because you are the only one there. Don’t you understand…your outside reality is a reflection of your inner reality. But then if you are not even listening and hearing yourself…how can you expect anyone else to?
That being said…if you’d like to break down a couple walls…then stick around and have go at…even queens are not queens if they are peasants at heart…and I have found that the more you have of your desires…the less you have of your needs. Understand? You need to knock a whole through….drop down the rampart…and there will be lots of people willing to meet you at your drawbridge…know what I mean?

Namaste
Amakua

Titanium69 2/27/2012 - 2:23 pm

Walls, let’s talk about walls. I read your entry and had no trouble picturing your castle and the feelings that come with it. I think a lot of us on here can relate.
However, I did want to tell you more about my castle (and possibly yours). My castle does not have a wall around it, it has several. Some are thin and some are thick. Sorta like growth rings on a tree. If something enters the outer rings of the tree, it is noted but really doesn’t bother the tree. If something enters the inner rings of the tree, it can be devastating.
Hence, when we meet new people, we slowly lower the rings and allow them to approach the heart, knowing that the closer to the center, the more risk of devastation.
Some of our experiences in life thicken those rings and you no longer allow anyone in to the inner rings for fear of the pain it could bring.
Sounds like you have had some scaring and still kinda in shock over the whole thing. You right in we (nor anyone else) needs the details of your situation, but it does sound like its over, done, finished! Now it’s just you who has to decide where to go from here.

In my totally amateur option, it sounds fresh…really fresh and I don’t think you should make any decisions for a bit. That includes trying to fix this, trying to get things back the way they were, or starting to move forward. Right now, just focus on you.
And this forum is open 24/7 to allow you to voice your thoughts.

queen827 2/27/2012 - 5:34 pm

Thank you for your responses. i truly appreciate them, however i still dont feel ppl are understanding what i mean. i am trapped. locked in tight n a situation i cant get out of. there is no new ppl being able to break through my rings bc there are no rings left. theres just a thick cloth he put over my eyes and no matter how hard i try it just wont come off. i want to sit here n cry and blame him, but i allowed myself to fall for this lifestyle, i allowed myself to be caught up in all of this. theres no out for me. everyday, even today i woke up after posting this and i thought ok lets try this again. i’ll make this clear to everyone-money doesnt solve all your problems and issues. it actually makes them more unbearable to deal with. even if i wanted to close this chapter, he’s made it clear we arent a chapter we are an entire book and theres no out.

Titanium69 2/28/2012 - 10:05 am

Sounds like he needs a visit from the “special adjustment” squad.

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