Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

When I was a little girl I always looked up to you. You protected our family like no other. I will admit, I have always been frightened by you. Sometimes when you get mad, it’s really scary. When we went through everything with Taylor, that was hard. It was really hard on me and no one realized it. Do you even remember how you kept dragging me into your argument the night she was kicked out? That night has scarred me for life. You know what Daddy, in the past year I have done bad things. I have done things I regret. I wish I could go back and change them, but I can’t. Daddy I starved. I starved for over a month, because focusing on calories was easier than dealing with the pain. I know you noticed, you commented on it sometimes. Daddy I threw up. For over a month straight, every day, multiple times a day, I forced myself to throw up. Sometimes I would throw up the bad memories, you know like when you argued with Taylor and mom. Daddy I cut myself. Physical pain felt incredible compared to emotional pain and I was controlling it. You hurt me Daddy. You weren’t there for me when I needed you, I felt so alone. I stopped talking to you, I’m sure you noticed. You never tried asking me why, it was like you didn’t care. But it was because it hurt how you never paid attention to me anymore. You don’t trust me, and I did nothing to lose your trust. It is frustrating when you don’t believe the things I say, when they are true. It also hurts when you talk about me behind my back. Daddy I thought I was better. In October I started eating again and stopped throwing up. It didn’t last long though.  In November when our family was arguing, that stressed me out. I started starving again, unintentionally. I no longer focused on calories; I would just forget to eat. You know I’m on the swim team… and swimming 2 hour practices burns a lot of calories. When you don’t eat it’s hard to finish those practices. Daddy my friends were so worried. Sometimes at practice I would zone out, sometimes I would almost pass out. They went to the counselor. They went to the counselor because they care. I lied to the counselor.. and then my friends told her I lied. That’s when she called you guys. She told you I starve, she said I needed counseling. But Daddy I lied to you and mom. I told you I eat at school. I told you I eat my lunch and snacks. I don’t. I kept lying to you guys, getting out of meals. You didn’t seem to notice. I go whole days without eating. I go to swim practice with zero calories in me. Sometimes I shake from not eating, I feel so sick. But I can’t eat. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I just can’t. My friends, the school counselor, my teachers, my coach, they all think I need counseling. So I did it, they convinced me. You took me to counseling, you know the other day. I’m sorry they made you come back, I didn’t want you to. Daddy you hurt me. Why did you lie? You told her I am fine, I eat; I am doing all this for attention. But Daddy I have scars on my body… I cry myself to sleep… I go days without eating. How can you call me a faker? I was so ready to accept help, to finally get better. You make me feel like a bad person though. Like you want me to lie about it. Why are you ashamed of me?

I’m sorry I’m a bad daughter. I’m sorry I don’t talk. I’m sorry I lie about eating, sorry I starve, throw up, and cut. I didn’t mean to turn out like this. I wish you understood how I need help. I wish you wanted me to get better like the people at school. You and mom don’t get it though. You told the counselor “She sits in her room alone all the time when she is home. That’s normal, she’s a teenager.” That’s not normal, it’s not normal to sit at home and feel so alone when you have 2 parents and 3 sisters in the home with you.  You told her you didn’t notice when I lost 20 pounds in one month. You did notice though!! I remember you did. Why did you lie? You have always taught me not to lie.

One more thing, Daddy sometimes I want to kill myself. I’ve never told anyone, not even my closest friends. I’m scared to tell anyone. I’ve thought about it so many times. I bet your life would be nicer without me in it. Then you wouldn’t have a screwed up daughter and you could just focus on the perfect ones. But what would you do if you walked in my room and I was dead? Would you cry? Would you regret lying to the counselor? Daddy I don’t want to hurt like this, I want you to hug me again and tell me I’m going to be okay. Please Daddy, save me before it’s too late…