Do you believe in signs?
The most important relationship of my life ended a while ago. The relationship with the love of my life; the only person with whom I’ve felt such a strong connection. Stronger than that between my mother, my sister, all of my family. Stronger than anything I’ve felt with my friends(whom I consider to be my true family).
Both of us are mentally ill, suffering from similar maladies. Yet, one year ago(pretty much to the date) I was going through what I then considered to be the most trying time of my life. I was going on trial for a DUI with the possibility of facing jail time. I wanted the support of my girlfriend. I told her I needed her, but she was going through her own stresses from being in law school and couldn’t be there for me. She said I was demanding too much from her. The relationship ended days later. Only several days after she confessed her love to me.
I was heart broken, in complete anguish, suffering at a level I’d never experienced. I was on a medication(prozac) that was wrong for me that only exacerbated the whole experience. She no longer wanted to talk with me after she repeatedly called me and I didn’t answer(this was after a mentioning of suicide). I didn’t want to talk with her as I was drunk 🙁 The next day I called to apologize, but she’d blocked my number. It threw me into a tumult of terror. I didn’t know what to do.
I emailed her multiple times purveying my apologies. I received no response. In my panic – my desperation – I filled a prescription for sleeping pills and antidepressants. I told her if she didn’t contact me I’d kill myself. I took 60 pills. The ambulance came and I was “saved.” Â The next day after not hearing from her I try to slit my wrists. Not in an attempt to talk with her but in an attempt to truly die. My soul was beaten. However, neither she nor God nor the Devil wanted me.
I never heard from her. I never heard her voice again. She filed a restraining order. It ends in a month and a half, but I know she doesn’t want to hear from me. So, I can never talk to her again.
I understand that everything I did was wrong. And I’m soÂ very sorry for my behavior. But God nor she will forgive me. Yet, I’ve experienced what I can only interpret to be signs that its not over yet.
1 – I completed a profile on a business networking site. Listed as recommended contacts was both she and her lawyer, side by side.
2 – I randomly go to a college football game where during the halftime the band performs a song that she sang at a concert the last week we were dating.
3- Sitting beside me at the football game is a complete stranger. A woman. A brunette. Now, the game is at an HBCU so there aren’t many anglos there. But, this woman is sitting Â right next to me bearing the same features as my ex. During the game she grabs my hand and tells me what I’m doing is a bad habit. What was I doing? I was fiddling with my fingernails, which my ex always complained about.
There have been many other things that I would consider signs, but none that I consider to be so apparent. Were they just coincidences?
I love her so much. Why won’t God help me? I understand there is free will but all I want is another chance. I just need someone, God, to have faith in me and in what I know, which is that I can give her the world. I can give her everything she needs and wants if only I have the chance.
It’s heart breaking. It’s destroying my soul. I’m falling down a self-destructive path as I try to find a way to plead for help from someone and find no one there with an answer.
I give up everything willingly for just one chance to show her what I know. She’s the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can never give of myself what I gave to her to anyone else.
Can’t anyone help me?! Can’t you hear me pleading, screaming? Why won’t God help me?
What am I supposed to do? Weren’t they signs?