i feel like shit, it feels like i am only myself when i am like this: suicidal, depressed, angry , and what more. Its like i am half awake when i am ”acting” happy in front of others. i can’t really explain it, lately i have been thinking about something to cause me a lot of pain. i need hurt to feel alive, but i find myself doing nothing but praying for pain. i am weird , i really am, there is something wrong with me. i ”bully” myself a lot less when i am already in pain, and i also mean terrible situations. whatever i do, life doesn’t get better for me, i think a lot about how it would maybe be better if i died, for me and others. i feel like i have three options, become totally numb, turn crazy or kill myself. hahaha i always find myself being afraid a SAW like serial killer will read this and will try to kill me and i will back out then. i can’t stop being my own enemy, god i really hate myself, the only thing i can do well is enduring (emotional) pain, so that is what i find myself looking for. its something i cannot stop.
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i’m sorry things are so hard right now.:( do mind if i ask why you hate yourself so much? sometimes people feel like a bad person or like they deserve to suffer when they don’t,if something happened to them(like abuse) they feel like it’s their fault and they deserved it,but that is NEVER TRUE. nobody deserves to be in pain. we’re all here if you want to talk okay? your not alone.
i feel the same. its only worse when i fake a smile.. i hate having to be fake. i wish i wouldnt be portrayed as crzy if everyone knew how felt. i think f it was more out in thwe open then so would other people and it would be less crazy. id rather sit in my own misery.. i wake up to view this site.. being in this state i feel comfortable. its knowing that i cant not live like this is wat makes me want to take my life. i know i will take it when the time is right