Can’t believe I’m posting here. Thought I was over all of this. I’m 42 now. Lifetime of depression, anxiety, anorexia, and bulimia. I had gotten to a point where I had left a bad marriage, bought my own car, own house, raising my child, and held a full time very difficult job. I decided to change shrinks 1 week ago who suggested I do “talk therapy.” I went to 1 apt and have essentially fallen apart since that apt. This was totally unexpected. Apparently, I’ve been trying to hold everything together all these years…just keep going, just keep going, and follow the routine is what I told myself. The counselor basically told me that  I had to take a medical leave of absence from my job due to my thinking right  now and level of anxiety. I brought several razor blades to one of my appts and wanted to slash my wrists in front of the shrink. They took my blades away. I bought some more yesterday. I really thought I was over all of that. There’s a lot going on right now. I have been thinking of suicide for several days now. I know it’s a selfish horrible act. I know it causes such pain. But, I feel so trapped. I feel like I can’t live in this world. I’ve been on medication since I was 14 and I had years of therapy when I was younger. I had my chance then to get better. There is so much pain and emptiness. I can’t seem to overcome this or cope. If it were possible, I’d like to stay in a room and be left alone forever until I died, but I don’t see how that’s possible. No job, bills not paid, no home, homeless, child goes to dad, no money, no medication, no therapy, nothing. I can’t seem to cope with my job. I’m totally obsessed with my new shrink that I’ve seen one time, which makes zero sense. I keep telling myself that I need to go buy a gun before I run out of money. Strange, but it does feel like I’m scared every time I have a thought like that. My stomach sinks and it feels like something I just have to do for the situation. I’m going to die anyway. I see a lot of death in my job. It happens. Everyone will die. I seem to have lost my fight. There was a point where I wanted to live. I don’t know what happened to it. I think of all the people who have committed suicide and that gives me courage for some reason. No one in my life knows what is going on or that I’ve had to take a leave of absence. I’m pretending that all is the same for fear of rejection or anything else. If anyone knew just how bad I felt, I think they’d understand and forgive me. Thanks for letting me write.
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4 comments
Suicide is not the answer. First, let me tell you, you are loved. My boyfriend try to commit suicide last summer. I was only 17. Ive been so affected by that event. When you think of suicide, you arent going to be the only one affected, but also all those around you. You have a child who loves you dearly, and family who loves you so much as well. Even if they dont express it at times, know that they love you. I know youve seeked professional help, keep going to see your therapist. You wont always feel alone, depressed, and hopeless- good things will come to you. I promise. Ill pray for you. Jehovah God will never leave your side. He loves you.
Suicide is so easy I just wish no one would care. I have on days and off days. Today I want to die.
As a 50 year old woman let me say chr75751: I so hope you find courage to be vulnerable.
chr75751 you have accomplished such a great deal. You had your chance to heal and now you have another chance…another layer. You are not starting from scratch. You have accomplished so much, did a lot of hard work.
How about a break? Like a vacation? A staycation if you cannot afford to travel? you are taking a leave of absence…is that going ok? Dare to be vulnerable….too much faking it is exhausting and isolating and you may be missing out on a lot of hugs and confessions from others who were hiding their troubles.
If the job isn’t right fit for you perhaps you can move laterally to another position in same company? Or perhaps some aspect of the job can be changed. Go in offering ideas, solutions etc and you may be surprised they’ll work with you.
My hormones went wacky in my late 40’s and just having less energy freaked me out as I was in constant hypervigillent go mode for most of my life and just couldn’t any more. Soy products and pumpkin can help simulate the estrogen you are likely loosing. Tea decreases cortisol. Coffee raises it but helps with depression so I drink tea first thing in the am then coffee. Some people do natural hormone replacement after testing and a second opinion.
You stll care for your child I can tell and given both my parents committed suicide I’ll tell you it messed me up bad. I’d rather we’d stayed together homeless as many families have.
You have accomplished so much and I’ll tell you as a 50 year old woman…I never ran out of energy until my 40’s when exercise and food changes became more important than I could have imagined…more helpful too. I got a lot of anger out in an absurdly sweaty yoga class that I hated so I just hated my way through it and was too exhausted at the end to hate anything.
There is a post here about trans fats and suicide…check it out..essentially our brain sucks up bad fats if we eat them that then sit in there non functional and dysfunctional but cold pressed olive oil (not heated to high heat), avacados, flax seeds (ground in a smoothie or on a salad or oatmeal), walnuts, almonds preferably raw nuts or raw nut butter all give our brains which are 70% or so fat what is needed to build connections, have those sparks of life and hope in our imagination .
Thank you so much for your replies. 🙂