I suffer from PTSD which creates overwhelming anxiety. I can not stand people in general for tho they pretend to care in reality they do not. a more fair description might be that they care so long as its conveinent. some of the experences that have led to my PTSD include but are not limited to being in a tornado, haveing been on fire twice, watching the person next to me in junior high murdered durring class, being stabbed, constant mental and physical abuse as a child, and most recently listening to my mother shoot herself in the head while talking to me on the phone 3 weeks before christmas in 2009. theres more but whats the point. i cant work, i cant sleep, at best im lucky to get 1 meal a day. Ive been in the physc ward 3 seporate times where they fed me full of hollow promises and drugs that could barely take the edge off let alond do any substancial help. each time i was discharged with additional hollow promises only to be left alone to confront my demons night after night. I sit here and pray, I know there are people out there worse off, and i know that there are a limited few who believe they care but honestly how can anyone possibly truely care when they truely dont understand. I NEED HELP AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I NEED IT BUT WHATS WORSE IS WHEN I HAVE ASKED FOR HELP NO ONE ABSOLUTLY NO ONE HAS DONE A SINGLE THING THING TO SUBSTANCIALLY HELP ME.  I dont know what to expect from writing this
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
22 comments
Hi ets. Your post really speaks to me. We’re taught that we have a wonderful society where people help each other, friends, family, doctors and governments are there for you. Just ask for help… But the truth is they have NO CLUE how to deal with the hell that some of us go through.
I don’t think there’s a cure for what you’ve been through. I doubt a pill has ever been invented to handle it. Yeah like “In case of mother shooting herself, take 2 pills every 12 hours with meals” Rrright.
Sorry, I don’t have anything helpful to say. But I just wanted to let you know I’m going through the same thing. I’ve witnessed too much death in the last year, I’m just overloaded & broken. It seems like the only “cure” is… well… the reason why we’re all at this site…
Hello ets2005a,
I don’t believe we have met. If you are new here…then welcome…stick around…sometimes it takes a while to get used to the site…but give us a chance atleast eh?…what do you have to lose?
I am sorry to burst your bubble…but people do care and understand…but you don’t seem to do you?…and in your fear and confusion…you push those that would help away…now don’t you?…How do I know this…because I was you for more years than I really care to remember. But here is my resume….I was raised by absent parents in a large family…father was an addict…mother had anxiety issues…only thing that kept her in the marriage…the fear of the unknown…so abandoned , neglected and then…molested at the age of 3, raped at 8, again at 15…and it continued until I was 40 years old…but by my own design…self abuse is never pretty…and how can anyone help you stop hurting yourself?…They can’t…unless they restrain you and drug you and instutionalize you…and that is not what you want…you know that. I have been beaten, raped, technically killed…humiliated, stolen from…given to others…by my first husband…PTSD…shit I call that the Human Condition…some of us just aren’t as aware of it…we have no big moments to attribute it to…but it affects us all…that is my opinion of course. I attempted suicide for the first time before the age of 4…and six more times before the age of 40…and as you can see…I am still here. Now what could suck more than that? Why if there was nothing we could do about it? But I have been confronting demons my whole life…just do it…they really arent’ that scary…once you take your own mind back.
Don’t want to put you to sleep in the first comment…so will end now…but if you want help…I’ll be around…but you have to help me understand you first….what more can you tell me about yourself…age, sex, location(general), any diagnosis…any gifts?…do you hear the voices?…or are they just yours…ie your demons…which of course means they belong to you so are in your control…they just don’t want you to know that…that is the nature of the beast….sorry.
Here if you want to talk more..okay…read more…lol
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh
Amakua
Hi Amakua… yes i am new to this site. when i said people dont care what i was trying to say was that the people who do care dont have the ability to help and those that have the ability are the ones that dont seem to care ie Doctors. for one thing i have no insurance so i am at the mercy of the free clinic and if you are not fimilure with them i will just say that they move at a snails pace. i know theres no fix for my issues hell in the past ive been on antidepressants and what not. most of which did more to make things worse than anything. as for background info i live in cleveland oh. i am 44 yrs old, male, and have been dealing with my deamons since i was 14. my diagnosis is PTSD Clinical Depression, Severe Anxiety, and most recently Stage 4 Emphysema. the later of which is actually welcomed. i dont hear voices and i do have a conscience. the fact is my deamons haunty me day and night i just cant get away from them it has very much crippled me socially emotionally and physically. I just want to be able to do a few of the things most people take for granted ie work, sleep, have friends. as for not careing well let me tell you this i care. i raised 2 wonderful kids both of which are leaders in their community. they are both in the national guard in colorado both graduated high school 1 year ahead of schedule. they are involved in charity work, and and and. i thake full credit for all of that because i put them first before any and everything. i also did quite a lot of work in colorado helping the homeless i fed them i spent my own money on things like clothes and blankets and i helped as many as i could find jobs and affordable housing. i became a reverend in 2009 in order to further help simply because the city of colorado springs had passed a law to outlaw homeless people and the police would arrest anyone who tried to help them but reverends minister and preachers were left alone so i took classes and got ordained in order to avoid the continual arrests. 5 times i was arrested simply because i cared. i went without food i used my car payment money. i neglected my own basic needs because nobody else gave these poor people a second thought. I CARE. I care about myself as well but just because i care doesnt make anything easier. my issues have robbed me of my job which has created the snowball effect no money no insurance no food, no health care no no no . i am not asking for any sort of monitary help. i just want some relief so that i can go back to taking care of myself. and let me say this only someone who has experenced such things is capable of understanding. altho your responce was seemingly blunt sometimes thats just what a person needs. i just need some relief.
FOOTNOTE…. i dont feel ….. booo hooo my life sucks i want to die. …..its OMFG this crap just will not stop i cant catch my breath litterally and figuritively. if there was a light at the end of the tunnel that would be one thing. its been 30 yrs of progressivly worsening events. its not just the past its the present too and the future HA! when i was told AT BEST MR ETS YOU HAVE 5 YRS LEFT I SMILED. the fact is 5 yrs 5 days 5 min what difference is it really going to make? my comment that i cant stand people in general well its not ment that i hate people i do not. i cant stand large crowds and have no tollerance for those who can only see their side of any issue.( my thoughts tend to get a bit scrambled at times. )
I have bipolar up and down all the time til i got equilib. now i am not a doctore but you can google it. its an herb i got sick of med that had worst side effect. i am going good now. mine was my mind telling me wrong stuff and emotions. now that i am balanced i still have my days it took 3 mo. but i did it. I know this wont help but i told you anyway incase ou wanted to know eek
Well Hello Neighbour,
Are you Hot in Cleveland?…lol…jk…across the big pond in Ontario here. Wow and you’re old and decrepit too…just my kinda people…again jk…well a bit. I think I might just understand…and I will try to tell you why. I am 50 years old and I hope obviously female. I have been married and divorced twice…as well as several long term commonlaw relationships…the last one ended in Sept. 2011…and was the impetus that spurred me on to find this site in December. Okay…so it has been verified by many…I was born miserable…different…other…refused to he held or touched from birth. One of six kids, five that survived…the “black sheep”…the odd one…extremely shy and anxious…first put on diazepam at the age of 2 because of night terrors…I actually remember…and I wasn’t asleep…that is probably why they medicated me…I just saw things…sensed things…felt things…to the nth degree…that is why I could not handle touch in the very beginning. I looked different…good thing…I don’t think my family is attractive…lol…acted strange…and was very quiet and withdrawn…when I wasn’t have temper tantrums and trying to off myself in myriad ways…but my first real suicide attempt was just before i turned four…and followed a 2 major traumas in my life within a very short time…weeks actually. I could hear the adults talking about me…and they would say things like…we just can’t make her understand….but I understood everything…except for them. Sooo molested at the age of 3, raped at 8…again at 15…and various other traumas as well those are just the big ones. And then I was a teen runaway and lived on the streets for a while…lots of stories there…shacked up with an older man…only 5 years older…that one anyway…lol…got pregnant, got married, got pregnant again…and all while working 3 jobs to support a man that was soo depressed he couldn’t get off the couch. Friends, neighbours and family stopped in constantly to check on the kids and make sure they were fed, dry and clean…he really was pathetic….he was physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive. He would send men over while he was out to keep me company if you know what I mean…I know…where was my self-esteem…by then I already had none…or very little…but I was also told…you made your bed…welll you know the old adages as a veritable senior yourself…lol.
In the end he almost killed me…I’m still not sure that he didn’t…but he definitely killed a big part of me….beaten down in the street like a dog…knocked unconscious many times…long story…but my son was crying for me…so I kept getting up…that is the short version… Was in shock…reacted badly…a psychotic break and a fractured personality…and another suicide attempt…again another story…but when I finally went for help…it wasn’t there…the doctor…dang…this is the current trauma I am working on…cuz that was 29 years ago…and10 years ago he became my family practitioner…when his wife left him and the practice…so I got him in the divorce you could say…and not thrilled…so for the last 10 years I have had to deal with a man that I don’t trust and the personality conflict kept him from ever treating me in any humane way…as a matter of fact…that is where I have just come from…and he was filling out yet another medical for a pension…and he had enough nerve to ask me what the last medical issue he had treated was….and I just sighed and shook my head…”Brian! You have never treated me for anything.”…and again he apologizes…my therapist counselled me to finally confront him 2 weeks ago…and I did….lots of anxiety…but it went way too well…he apologized…validated me…and asked how best to help me find my way again…and so far he’s keeping his word…but it’s only been 2 weeks eh? And he’s still not a good doctor. Shrug. We need doctors for this sort of thing…but treatment…not so much…I have a medical phobia…for lots of reasons…lol The most obvious one is that I am still alive…In December 2001…I was given less than 6 months….and if I had listened to the specialists …I would not be here…or maybe that is why I have had no medical treatment since then…maybe no treatment is the reason I am still here….I still refuse “normal” treatment…I just suggested he lie about that…lol…and well what is he going to do? I went on to create an impressive hell on earth for myself …but something always kept me going…asking for more…looking for answers…and that would be God…although Jesus has helped out a time or two. The first time God held me and talked to me….I was 16 and just moved in with my future husband….I was worried after everything else …that I was gonna go to hell for living in sin…but I never really worried about it after that. So there is sooo much more…but I was never afraid of death…I was afraid of life…you see I came in with memories of coming in if you know what I mean?….I hated it as soon as I got here…lol.
Innumerable medical issues aside…I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers…as well as struggling throughout my life with a severe depressive disorder…a general anxiety disorder…panic disorder…chronic PTSS…not PTSD..not sure what the real difference is other than the number of major traumas..and the fact that Icouldn’t deal with one before I had to try to deal with another.
I am sorry to hear about the emphysema…I am pre-emphysemic myself…but I smoke and continue to…as well marijuana has been prescribed…they say that is what saved my life…but I’m also an old tea granny…and that is what they attribute the good conditions of my lungs to …even though I am a smoker. My grandmother…yes she is still very much alive…said to me once…I bet you can’t wait to be an old lady like me…at which I lit and cigarette…took a long haul…and quoted Kurt Vonnegut…lol…I said,”That will never happen I’m afraid…because you see…’this is a sure an hounourable form of suicide'”. And then she smacked me…lol.
So do you believe in God? Have you met God?…do you know Jesus?…or was it just to get out of jail…and did it work? See you probably haven’t learned discretion…you are supposed to meet your own needs first…not wants…and the rest you give back…not all of it…not even the darned religions want more than 10% of your wealth…but I understand…ever think about going back to school to become a social advocate with papers?…or creating your own foundation?…to support the work you sooo need to do? or joining another organization…I mean…better to teach others to give than to try to give to all…don’t you think? You are limited in what you can do…but teach others to do as well…and Jack’s your uncle….you reach a larger demographic…sorry …I did tell you I was an Aspie didn’t I? BTW…were you involved in any of the Occupy Movement? Just curious.
So how do I keep going? How do you keep going? Cause I don’t know any better way…I have tried to committ 7 times…the last time in Jan. 2001….but sometimes it gets too much even for me…and that is how I ended up on SP last year. It has been a Godsend for me….but not always good…you haven’t lived until you see me go all apeshit on some troll or demon…lol…but in Jan. 2001…I was successful in that I was out of my physical body for more than 6 hours (earth time) and had an amazing NDE…and came back with the knowledge…that again I chose to come back and keep trying…but I was allowed to begin the healing journey and try to piece together my fractured, shattered soul and personality over the last 11 years…and that has been really tough…but worth it. But the biggest thing that keeps me here…love…real love…unconditional love and laughter and music…I am going to start re-learning how to play guitar this week…lol…something else to look forward to…see looking forward…not living in past anymore…with lots of time in the “now”. And I love kids…they are my thing…like yours is the homeless…I was homeless again in 2002 btw…but only for a short time this time…thank God. But my job was what kept me going for a long time…working with the people…especially the “special” ones…we have a very large psychiatric hospital just south of town…lol. But the kids for sure…I was a waitress…and if a child was fussing and making it hard for mom to eat her meal…I would place the child on one hip…go to all the tables and refill coffees…and bring a sleeping infant back to the mother in under 10 minutes…while still taking orders and delivering food…no wonder I need a skeleton transplant…lol. And the other children…the elderly…they are amazing…I have met soo many special souls in hospitals and nursing homes …well everywhere…today an old gentleman in the doctor’s office…told me he thought my hair was amazingly beautiful…no one ever says anything nice about my hair…but it is long and uncut for the most part…atleast unstyled…so him I loved…wanted to bring him home…he asked me who colours it for me?…lol…I told him that it was natural…he was shocked when I told him that I went completely silver in 2001 and that most of it fell out…and when I cut it and it started to grow back out…it was a different colour…but the crown is still pure silver…it is very weird…but it’s all mine.
So what are you going to be busy doing with whatever time you have left…are you grieving?…I did…but not for long. No matter what …you sound like my kindof people…real, genuine…imperfect….perfect…lol
Gonna cut you loose now…they’ll be screaming as this last novella swallows the comments page…lol
Namaste
Amakua
Hot in Cleveland is one of my favorite shows 🙂 ive not been able to watch a single episode of the last season tho because i dont have cable tv and ive been too lazy to get on tv lands web site. as for religion yeah at times i consider myself to be religious. as a child i was baptist and when i got married i converted to being catholic but in my opinion organised religion is more about how much power or control the priest or preacher has than anything else. now from time to time i will get up at the pulpet and say my piece. when it comes right down to it tho i think that its not what you say but rather what you do. the times that i have preached i refused to pass the collection plate for after all the Lord doesnt need money. instead ive told the congregation to use that money to help people that they know that are in need and well lets just say that never goes over too well with the church.
some of the things you just mentioned really hit home i refrain from ever mentioning them because the people in my world already think im beyond crazy. but anyways heres a few things ive not told anyone…. i remember having thought before i was actually born. not the type of thoughts one has after actually living and experencing this world but more like just a pleasent feeling, the best way i can describe it would be like sitting in the dark listening to classical music without a care in the world. no concerns or worrys no thoughts of responcibilities or duties. i imagine its what living on a deserted tropical island with absolutly no needs would feel like. …….. also i have always been withdrawn or as i say
” a loner” the only contact i had with my parents was when they would beat me. i never had more than 1 or 2 friends at any point in my life and to be honest i was never very impressed with the ones that i had. my uncle once told me that while i was growing up the family had given up on me because they thought i was worthless. that was quite a morale booster. i was never sexually abused which is probably the only form of abuse i have never experenced but that doesnt mean i cant understand. i have ZERO tollerance for anyone who would do that to a child or adult for that matter. my next door neighbor raped his own daughter before she was 2 and gave the poor baby herpies. then one day many yrs later he made the mistake of entering my house uninvited and at the time both of kids were toddlers well he learned a very valuable lesson that day indeed. the only reason he lived is because the brick wall i was grinding his face into ended abruptly.
as for why do i keep going ? well the last time i tried to kill myself my children made me promise to never attempt suicide again. i agreed only because it was my children who asked after all they are the only people ive ever know that truely love and care about me unconditionally. i must say tho that it did make me mad to make that promise because i believe if they could understand what an ordinary day in dads life it really like then they,d never have made me make that promise. I love my children more than life its self. i have never broken a promise to them nor lyed to them so that is the only reason i am still here.
back in jan i checked myself into the psych ward because i was going to kill myself, i had everything set up even double checked it all to make sure this time it would work and just before i started my car i heard my daughter and sons words in unison saying please dont ever try anything like that again dad please. so off to the nut house i went. after 21 days of watching everyone else get visitors i called my dad to see why he had not so much as called and this was that conversation….. hi dad i figured i would call and let you know where i am at and how im doing, im in the mental hospitial. dad said … when you get out i need you to take me to the car dealership so i can buy your sister a new truck. i said…. ok good by dad.
i have come to terms with my emphysema. what bothers me tho is i would really like to feel something other than complete gloom and doom between now and then. the nights are the worst for me i dont sleep theres no place to go so i sit here by myself confronting my deamons. theres plenty more i could ramble on about but i need a break. i am going to go for a walk and since i live in one of the less diserable neighborhoods here in cleve. 3:30 am is a pretty good time for a walk by the way if you would rather email me im on yahoo and its the same as my name on here.
Good Morning Mr.Ets,
Are the stars as bright in Cleveland?…It was so cold and clear when I went out just after 5 am…and the sky is awesome. I made the children appreciate it…yes I did…and then put them back to bed. My oldest daughter doesn’t drive…and just started a new job last month…and starts at a ridiculous time of day…and her man left last weekend….so now I have to not only drive her to work…not safe for young ladies to walk the street…but I have the grandchildren to take to school as well…and then it will be back to old lady time…I hope. I would go back to sleep myself…and probably will later….but my youngest leaves for school at 7:30…and then the grands have to be driven in for 8:30…and then I promised a coffee to my friend who is not doing so well…again…he says he’s gonna CTB…we’ll see.
I don’t think I’ve missed an episode of Hot in Cleveland yet….and I don’t have cable either…hell I don’t have a TV…and before you start feeling sorry for the likes of me…it was a personal choice…I live a lifestyle of voluntary simplicity..by choice …for the last 10 years. I have what I need and not much else…but since I have a little OCD…well I could have just as easily become a hoarder…nah…I need order in my chaos…lol. I stream the episodes on ctv.ca…my kid showed me how…lol.
Oh yeah…I forgot to tell you…when my older kids were just about ready to leave home…I got smart and had a second family…lol…so I still have a 15 year old at home…probably the only thing that keeps me going for now. So I have 3 kids and 4 grandchildren so far…I lost a grandson in October…just suffice it to say that the mother was responsible…and I’ll not go there again…I have no contact with her or my son currently…but am still able to see my granddaughter Jamiri through my oldest daughter on rare occasions…oh well…me I can’t wait for great grands…the darned kids are growing up too fast for the likes of me…my daughter says her kids are the only kids she knows…that have a grandmother who still thinks she’s 12…and that’s being kind…lol.
“i remember having thought before i was actually born. not the type of thoughts one has after actually living and experencing this world but more like just a pleasent feeling, the best way i can describe it would be like sitting in the dark listening to classical music without a care in the world.” sorry…I totally get this…now do you think I’m crazy…I always felt cursed because I came in with full memory…now not so much…lol. My best memory though is at the age of 3…I was laying out in the yard…looking up at the clouds…and I caught sight of the veil…that which separates the two different dimensions…and I could see everyone I loved on the other side…but felt so alone here…and I remember trying to figure out how I could go back there from here…frustrating…so I guess when I say I never wanted to be here…I meant it…lol….but here I remain…atleast for now. Back then I called it a bubble…so no need to worry about me thinking you’re crazy….and I can prove I’m not…lol…and have had to in the past.
Do you want to know about the other dimension? I could give you a link for a really interesting but long video ? I am sorry that we have so much in common…really…cuz I know how hard my life has been….but I also have retained the capacity for JOY…so it hasn’t really been as hard on me as some….I hope you can still feel JOY…that makes everything easier. I suffered no physical or sexual abuse from either of my parents…they just weren’t there…so I guess it could have always been worse….but I just don’t get it….how folks can harm children…and mine did not escape either…but that’s another long story…and their harm came when they were out of my care for visitations with their father…but I still have guilt…but didn’t know…or there would have been one less soul on this earth taking up space…I can tell you that…another thing I am still sorta angry with my doctor about….a long time to hold that kind of hate and anger in…it does horrible things to you….but that is how long it has taken me to confront him…and I haven’t even told him the ramifications of his actions yet…I don’t want to kill the man…just educate him…sooo…lol…my ex…I haven’t decided yet…lol…no I’m just kidding…I wouldn’t kill people like that…I would make those suckers live with themselves for ever…but he won’t even have to do that….he is now terminally ill himself…but wait till he gets where he’s going…and he’s still got all his memories…for eternity….can there be a more fitting hell?…i sentence you to live with yourself…for all eternity…lets see a judge top that sentence.
So from Baptist to Catholic?…lol…that’s kinda like out of the frying pan and into the fire isn’t it….lol…hellfire?…lol…and just remember….religion is an institution…kinda like the nut hut is an institution…lol…and education is an institution….and here I thought I had escaped being institutionalized…lmao. But what about your beliefs now?…Now what do you believe…or are you still seeking? Me I have been a seeker always…but now I KNOW…so no more seeking…just healing.
I’m glad your kids are sooo smart….otherwise we would never have had the chance to meet up…there’s one good thing that came out of staying….how about others?….I would need to know a lot more about your beliefs before I make any suggestions…but if you’re still here…know it is for a reason…and if you’re not sure what it is…maybe I could help a wee bit….I would just need your DOB…let me know…and no I am not into astrology…not this year…lol….I have been working with personology for about 11 years…and so far…pretty accurate…interested in knowing if you will be successful on your path?…or if you already are?…that I can maybe help with.
Oh yeah…and just because you have received a death sentence…doesn’t mean you have to accept it…it is still a choice…there really is no disease…just dis”ease”…if you know what I mean…but a part of me is a little jealous…I now have another 26 years to put in…but oh what fun….I am going to post that link for you…what do you have better to do than roam the streets in the middle of the night…freezing your ass off…lol. I don’t mind e-mailing…but I tend to take longer to respond that way….even now my inbox is full…but later today I will address it…I promise guys!! So if you would like…e-mail me your DOB…and I will e-mail you back your Destiny Profile…lol….let me know.
It has been an honour to make your acquaintance…another soul who sees beyond himself and the material world…how refreshing….and a warrior for sure…my kind of folks….i refuse to stand by and watch others suffer without atleast trying to help….even at my own expense and peril quite often…but that is one thing about me that I would never change…and nice to be able to relate to another soul that feels that way….I can also reccommend some reading…but don’t know if you are a reader…but I would say yes…because you are such a good communicator….I just wish the big pond would part for a wee while…and I could run across the lake bottom…and give you a big hug…cuz I would…yes I would…now I got another song running through my mind…lol…but I digress.
I so related to the story about your Dad…but if you are anything like me…I was the enabler in my family of origin…and they still rely on me….but I’ve made them pay for the service…by getting real and starting to heal with me…and I finally have a family…but it took me 45 years to get it…my biggest hater was my grandmother…she’s 95 btw…and now she is my biggest supporter…my family calls her my new best friend…and I love it…I’d rather have 5 or 10 real years…than 45 years or an eternity of nothing…but as it turns out…part of my mission if you will is to help my family heal as well…it has been amazing. But I found out recently that I still have Daddy issues….and he has been gone for 15 years now…but once I stop and do the work…what grace…I finally get a chance to grieve my hero.
And don’t be afraid to confront your demons…all of them…they are yours after all…which means you really do have control over them…they just don’t want you to know that….tell em who’s boss….they are really nothing….pissants…yup…not afraid of anything or anyone here…what are they gonna do?…kill me?…lol
Hope you’ve had enough sense to come in out of the cold by now…lol…and look forward to hearing from you…I will post the link in a separate comment…you will have to moderate it.
Lots of Love
Amakua
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87TRYkP2zBM
Good Morning Miss Amakua
OMG!!!!! IF your not careful you will end up becomeing my best friend. The things you talk about, feel, and been thru are so very much simular to mine. Ill start with my beliefs.
First off i believe 100% in free will. I dont need any priest or preacher to tell me when to go to church or to go to church peroid for that matter. I very much believe in Jesus and all that He did and I also believe that all these seporations in religion ie catholic baptist lutheran and even muslum are due to the ignorance of people i believe this mainly because they all believe basically the samething but over time politics and isolation has made or rather brought about the significant differences that now exist. hell the whole world has been fighting over the temple mound for 2000 yrs. how could i little rock be so important to somany different faiths if they were or are not actually the same faith???
it was pretty cold this morning it was about 3 deg. by your thermometer . i walked about 3 miles and by the time i got back to the house i was feeling the cold. the skys were very clear and i saw jupiter and venus which are still pretty close to the moon and as i was going inside i spied mars. the city lights here block out all but the brightest objects in the sky and that sucks. when i lived in colorado you could see everything i used to sit on my front porch there and watch the meteor showers in aug and march.
i pobably didnt mention it but i did die once. i was dead for 3 or 4 min. atleast thats what they told me. it was from paint poisoning. I do bodywork and paint cars and my respirator failed i passed out and dided but the EMT’s revived me. it was quite peaceful. that was back in the early 90’s and since then ive not been afraid of dying.
as for my deamons youd think it would be things like the tornado i was in or being litterally on fire twice, or the dying, or even being shot, yeah i was shot. or when i lost one of my fingerrs in a forklift accident but nope none of that. the things that haunt me are trivial things mostly poor judgement bad decisions, things i did wrong while raising my kids. 1 thing in particular one time i told my son to put up a toy i told more than 5 times and still he didnt do it so i stomped the toy in a million pieces. the look on his face was devistating to me. it was a mixture of pain and disbelief and sure it was kind of justified what i did but the look on his face haunts me every single night. to know that i hurt his heart that way when all i should have done was take the stupid toy away from him for a while. god that bothers me. its hundreds of crazy little things like that that eat at my soul. there are a couple big things tho. my moms suicide, that one is extreemely hard considering i live alone in her house and i drive her car. she gave me the car 3 months before she killed herself and i have a very unnatural attachment to that thing. its a 99 ford mustang. and it looks as good as the day she bought it brand new. i wash it 4 or 5 times a week and sometimes when i feel really bad i go out and sit in it and talk to her. theres also another very very bad deamon ive not mentioned and it drives me f—ing insain. I have a 8 month old son that ive only got to see once . he was born last april and i wasnt told about him till june. his mom is the meanest woman ive ever met. shes evil. im pretty sure she does meth too atleast thats what some people around here suggested to me when i introduced her to them back in june. any way we met 2 1/2 yrs ago and instantly fell in love with this woman. i did things for her i wouldnt do for my own family ( not including my other 2 kids ) i cooked for her cleaned her house i waited on her hand and foot treated her like a princess. she lives in indiana and over the corse of the last 3 yrs i left everything to be with her 3 times and all 3 times she just up and kicked me out on the street with no notice and no reason and no regret. 3 times i lost decent jobs decent places to live turned my back on the few friends i had very much gave up my whole life to be with her and all 3 times she treated me worse tthan shit. the last time was in sept. yeah my last relationship ended the same time yours did. we got a lot of coincedences going on here. since then i have not been able to hold down a job i now live in the ghetto in my childhood home full of all the god aweful memories broke as can be the one job i was able to get which i had from mid nov to the first of jan i lost because my anxiety got so bad i litterally couldnt function. i passed out at work and thought my problem was the emphysema since it was a bodyshop i was working at a reasonable asumption but it turned out to be anxiety. even now doing the simplest of taks is almost imposssible. washing dishes cooking doing laundry are overwhelming tasks and it makes me feel beyond horrible. it kills me that i have a child out there i cant have anything to do with. i cant see or read to or take for walks or teach about all the things kids need to know. for all that woman did to me for all she has put me thru not once did i so much as raise my voice to her or call her any sort of bad name but she does deserve it.
my emphysema was kind of easy to except because i was origionally told i had lung cancer and when i told my wife who was at the time deployed in IRAQ yes she is in the army. she told me i was lying. when she found out i was telling what at the time was the truth she took leave came back here to the US and divorced me. that was when i tried to kill myself. 126 klonipin 50 zanax and 3 bottles of various meds they shove down down your throat when you have cancer i washed it all down with a bottle of 21 yr old scotch. less than 6 hrs later i woke up and when i realised i was still alive i was madder than i can ever remember being in my life. these days my x wife is a drill instructor in the army at ft lee so that should give you some idea of her personality and temperment. we were married for 19 yrs and when i really needed her she dropped me without a second thought.. UGH thats got me all wound up so i need to stop here. ill write more in a little while.
your friend TODD
As soon as I started to read…this came to mind….take a listen while I try to respond….lol…and how much better friends can we be?…we are brothers after all…sigh…enjoy an oldie on me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-wuly-XRXQ
if you need help mediating let me know????
Amakua(Lori)
hello friend…please moderate my last comment…go to comments…see the tab above?….and it will be highlighted in yellow….hover your cursor over it…and options will appear underneath….and approve it.
The Todd
At least you had a wife. I can’t find any women crazy enough who would accept me and my problems. Even if I did I would probably just mess it up.
Anyway, the Germans had a 4 year plan but I don’t have that long. So I have a plan and I’m calling it the 12 month plan…. because it is 12 months in duration. The steps are as follows:-
1) get a better job
2) stop gambling
3) stop drinking
4) get some medications to sort out meh mental problem and various potions that make girls find me attractive.
5) ensnare said girl and make her marry me.
6) Hopefully she will have a job and be able to help me with the mortgage so we can get our own place.
7) Live happily ever after.
Simple but effective
Okay Then Todd,
Before I go all flippy on ya…in reverse no less…lol…love the name…yup…and yet I know many Todd’s that I can’t deal with…I still like the name…it sounds right…is it short for anything?…Like my Buppa was Ted…Thomas Edward…lol…oh wait…no time to go all Aspie…lol.
6 HOURS????..are you friggin kidding me…wow we so need to talk…did you have an OBE…out of body experience….do you have any memory of that time?…is that when the healing started?….breathe…lol…man I could so write you a novel…lol…not just a novella…but I’ll try to control myself….but if you answer yes to any of this…why you could be the person I have been searching for for just over 11 years now…the other…and I am not being romantical..lol…not in the least…but someone that might get me….like finally….it has been some lonely here the last few years…and it has nothing to do with being physically alone…I have many many many options there….people either love me or they hate me….most of them love me…but they don’t understand me…and they make me feel like a freak or other….and they don’t have any idea….but then if they did….they would probably run like hell the other way…I can actually make them do it…sometimes for my own amusement…lol. Here’s an example…lol…only one long story in this chapter lol
My current love interest started out as my friend….we met once a week to have coffee…do the daily crossword…and eventually…we became of all things…Scrabble buddies…lol…that was 15 years ago…and he is my soul mate…I am 100% sure of that…but it doesn’t look like we’ll grow old together…sigh…so that is absolutely not what I am referring to…when I speak of other. No stalker chick here…lol. Anyway…we used to meet in the park or at my place every Tuesday…ritual…and usually started with a walk through the woods…did I enchant him?…I’m sorry to say that I did…another long story…and regret?…yep…because i really do love him…and not the Hallmark dictionary kind. One day in November…we had to meet in the park…because my current old man had recently banished him…lol…that was after we had bought my family home together….the house my parents built themselves…the home I was born and raised in….and my Dad just about drove me nuts…he died just 2 years before I bought the old homestead…lol…but he was there for sure….his story is horrifying…was he the perfect Dad…nope…still got some Daddy issues to work on…but he was my hero…cuz no matter what…he stood strong…and taught me stubborn. I digress…lol…so we meet in the park…but the weather is soooo cold that it was a quick walk and back to the vehicle with the most gas…lol…and we were working the crossword and yakking as he calls it…lol…and I was telling him about the blanket I was trying to finish for my babe before Xmas…and being an Aspie…I went in to a full blown description…will try to edit in an attempt to save your poor little eyes…but here goes…lol…finally the point perhaps???
So I explain that it is a very special blanket….it is a rainbow blanket…but not the kind in the sky…the chakras….anyway…I designed and created it myself…and had been working like a mad woman….she was almost 4 at the time…and that it was important because her original blanket had gone missing…besides she needed a bigger one anyway…she was getting to be a big girl…moving into a standard size bed and all…so the urgency to get it done…I explained about the first blanket…how it was Winnie The Pooh…but a unique design…all my own…and it was double worked and extra thick and warm…and I stitched the design on for even more warmth…and no matter what…if I ever see that blanket again …I will know that it is hers…it is a true one of a kind….there isn’t another just like it in the whole world….and he laughs and says…sure right…lol…keep in mind…it was very cold and windy and damp…and we hadn’t seen another soul in the park for over an hour….and as he starts laughing and making fun of me…I look up and see the blanket….a young mother is out for a walk…in that god forsaken weather…with her son in a stroller…wrapped up in Jana’s Pooh blanket….and I point and say look….there it is…and he starts laughing even harder….so I punched him in the arm…and said…I’ll show YOU…I have a wee bit of the temper myself…lol…so I jump out of the car…and start to walk towards this woman…at first she smiles in greeting…until she realizes I am headed straight toward her….and then she turns around and starts walking quickly in the opposite direction….swear to God…lol…and I’m running after her yoo hooing…excuse me…I just wanted to ask you about your wonderful blanket…I’m really not a crazy stalker or baby napper….please…I think it is my blanket…and I have been looking for it…and she stops walking and turns just her head in my direction….pardon?…she says…..I say…I’m sorry but I was just telling my friend about this very blanket and when I looked up I saw you had it…I don’t want it back…I just want to know how you got it in the first place. Ohhh…she says…I bought it at a yard sale on such and such street…I said would that be the house that looks like this?…blah blah…and she says…why yes…I was expecting my son and I knew he would need something for that time of year…and it spoke to me…and it was sooo warm…and…I knew I had to have it…and the guy who sold it to me…only asked for 5 bucks…soooo…are you sure you don’t want it back? And I laugh…as the little fella fights his way out of his coverings and peeks at me over the edge of the blanket…he was 9 months old and had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen…seriously….angelic…and I hunker down to his level and I start to talk to him…I ask him…do you like your Pooh blanket?…and he breaks into the biggest ass smile I have ever seen…and says Pooh…then starts to laugh…like music….and I look at the mom and say…I’m okay…the blanket is with it’s rightful owner….I’m just glad I know it is being loved and appreciated…it was made with love…real love…tearing up just remembering it…JOY….I asked if I could kiss his little forehead…the mother said sure….he touched me…and then I hugged her…and told her to take care of our special man…and if he ever finished with Pooh…to pass him on with love. And then I walked back to the car…where Jay sat….with his face in the steering wheel…shaking his head…unfucking believable he says…just unfucking believable…I’ll never understand how you do these things…I couldn’t even make this shit up…so did I enchant him?…yup So we never know how our small gifts and contributions to the world will end up paying off….the little things are the things that make all the difference….all very true…Jay will verify…lmao….but he left in September…broke my heart…but because I really do love him…I had to and have to let him go…so sad….but I am to be about my father’s business…and he knew this day would come…it’s just so sad…and I can’t even save him….the person I want to save the most….damn…now I’m a mess…but see…I’m gonna go…have a good cry for 2 or 3 minutes…forgive myself for being human…and get back to living…
See I managed to save my life…myself…just like you did….but not able to heal further…stuck if you will…waiting…but I intend to make a full recovery…how about you?…Are you up for the challenge…or has the God of this world finally beaten you down one too many times….I say Stand UP…until you can stand no more….don’t give in to the lies and whisperings of your demons….they don’t want you to succeed…they are keeping us trapped in delusion…but their power is only an illusion we have created and allowed….they don’t want us to know that they have no power over anything but our egos…and egos…in today’s world…a dime a dozen…so lose the ego…lose the demons the ego created…to keep you trapped in hell…your own hell…..your own creation…the mitote…the dream…the illusion…wake up brother…do you remember why you came?…and yes even that was a choice…you want to talk about free will….my favourite subject…lol. Have you ever read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz….it is what I consider to be the most crucial thing I have ever read….what got ME back on my journey once more….I’m sure you have a public library…and it’s like a 2 hour read….well if I take my time…so you could probably sit in a sunbeam at the library and read it in an afternoon…what do you say?…see I’m assuming again…that you have not already read it…lol.
I also connected with trying to bring yourself up by bringing up others…but if we forget to pay attention to ourselves…we must eventually crash and burn…but like phoenixes…must rise from the ashes…forgive ourselves…God never needed to…we are perfect to God…anyone who tells you you have to kill a fatted calf…or tithe…or speak only through a figurehead…they are LIARS…God is not in church…just people looking for him…well God is there…but they are sitting right next to God and still searching if you know what I mean…lol….but rise up nonetheless…and fight on with new understanding…and with self-love and purpose…but keep in mind this time…that we are not truly God…but parts of God…and as such we must meet our own basic needs first….no martyrs needed…if you do not treasure the gift God gives you of a physical body to learn in this dimension….if you do not value your own mortality… if you can not save yourself…how can you save anyone else…that is why Jesus led by example…and Jesus was just a man who was enlightened with the Christ consciousness…but that same consciousness is available to us all…and that is why I walk the path that Jesus laid for us…not the one in the Bible…those are just words…I live by his example…but then I know him well…we met on the Pathway of Pain…how about you?
Sometimes it’s just about changing your perspective…escaping the dream…for moments, hours, days…longer and longer each time…but always changing perspective….we objectify everything here…my house…my car…my pants…my friend…my God….but beyond this illusion…there are no objects…we fight wars over ownership of nothing…ever hear Seals and Crofts King of Nothing…lol…
An example…2 years ago my car was stolen….but I don’t value it as other than it is…so it was inconvenient…but far from the end of the world…lol…it could have just as easily dropped it’s motor or trannie…lol…so an end is an end…big deal…one of my closest friends spends 4 to 6 months a year abroad…currently in Jamaica…home soon I think…anyway… someone knocked one of her side view mirrors off…and she went absolutely ballistic…the effin’ bastards…how dare they do this to MY car…now I have to deal with the insurance bullshit again….mine was uninsured for theft…lol…they did this to me she keeps saying….I feel so victimized…how dare they….this is clearly a case of over identifying with things…I don’t have those issues any longer….but then there is nothing left for anyone to steal…My ex took everything…even the family home…and he is still there…so I could have all my “things” back…but at what cost to me….there is nothing in this world that will tempt me away from my purpose again….just people…lol…no things. But then we start to objectify and identify through not only our possessons…but our partners…my wife…my child…my mother….and then we can’t let them go without feeling like we are losing part of our own identitiy…it is an illusion…take your power back friend….maybe your divorce was not a bad thing…does it matter if your ego can rationalize it?…only to your ego..my wife…my life….instead look at it as something necessary…ie. your need to focus on you and your issues….and please don’t ever assume that I think you are innocent in your own traumas…lol…or in the failure of your relationships…what did your ex wife try to tell you about you that you wouldn’t or couldn’t hear?…learn the lesson…and then there is no loss…just blessings…understand?
As for the child…I am not getting a child…have you seen this child?…has there been paternity determined?….or are you being manipulated?…I dunno…I get weird ideas sometimes…but I only see you having 2 children…are you sure it is yours…or real for that matter….if so…I apologize…will wait to hear from you before I comment further on this.
So another sky watcher…lol…at 5:45 am this morning I was standing outside skygazing with my grandchildren…am teaching them to appreciate the beauty we begin to take for granted. But it was no warm event…it was actually 24 degrees here at the time…a wee bit frosty…but clear as a bell…the best time to watch the sky. Have you ever been far enough north to see the Northern Lights?…if not then I’m okay cuz I have…lol…and so it makes me a little less bitter about Colorado…lol…I heard John Denver in an interview…try to describe the night time sky in Colorado….it was awesome…so still just a wee bit jealous…Poems, Prayers and Promises is my 2nd favourite John Denver song…do you know it?
I could so relate to the stomping incident….but you are trapped in your own guilt…was it a horrible thing…yes it was….did it cause emotional damage…yes it did…for you and the child…but considering the way you were taught to deal with those issues…I would say you did pretty good to just smash a toy…what would your parents have done?…and would they be still agonizing over it? you have a conscience…and that is admirable…but your ego is in control here….for example…have you talked to the now adult child about the incident?…have you tried to explain?…have you asked for forgiveness?…and if you did would it be forthcoming?….only you would know…but I can guess…yes…you would be forgiven…so how come you can’t forgive yourself for losing control….because you think for some reason you should have absolute control at all times…that is the ego…and then it tortures us…lol….forgive yourself…you know it could have been a whole lot worse…and just take from it the lesson…leave the guilt and shame behind…and move back into the light…just one toe at a time…but time to come back to your true nature for sure. You are not supposed to BE perfect…you are perfect…you just need to remember that and forgive yourself for being human…over identifying with the physical or material ….capiche?…lol
sooo who talks more than me?…hehehe so I was quite sorry to hear about your mother…that must be hard…but she is not gone…you KNOW this…and the healing work can continue….please don’t ever quit…and your unfortunate knowledge could save someone elses mother….even in that there can be found a blessing…but a bitter one for sure…tragic….but don’t make her death count for nothing…do not follow her…she will not be pleased…I guarantee you that.
And finally…the anxiety…and subsequent depression…lol…I know it well…are you starting to have panic attacks?…sure sounds like it to me….which means that there is something you are avoiding facing…about yourself…and you don’t have to be scared and do it all at once…I swear by my Pams’ in times like these…slowed me down long enough to focus…and calmed the anxiety enough to get beyond it…and all that I found on the other side of the anxiety…me…lol…not so scary…but our ego wants to keep us trapped…in ignorance of our true nature…so the ego drives the anxieties with compulsive, negative thoughts…not our thoughts…the worlds thoughts. Have you tried the pams before?…SSRI’s don’t work for me at all…the anxiety was the problem…the depression a symptom…not the other way around….that is why SSRI’s don’t work…I’m not truly depressed….just exhausted…by my own mitote…drama…lol…so because I am currently working on my last trauma…I filled a new prescription for Ativan…Lorazepam…to help me for a while until I can get a handle on it….now if I could just find 2 days I don’t have to do anything to get used to them darn it…I would be happier right now…but maybe this weekend?…lol…my guitar should be here by then…that would be okay…the last time I rocked for two days until I got used to it…but now I have vertigo…and no rocking chair….so music it is….warning…when I begin new meds…I may disappear for a day or two…for everyone else’s benefit….lol…but just until I get used to them …I haven’t had to take them now for oooh….almost 20 years…but this is a busy year coming up for all of us…so I don’t want to miss the opportunity while I sit around in my pajamas and feel sorry for myself…I have lots of reasons to…but it really serves no purpose for anyone…not even me…so heigh ho heigh ho…it’s on the drugs I go…but I’ll warn all ahead of time….lol.
Hey I thought you looked familiar…ghetto?..lmao…I’m just next door in the projects…lol….we’re slow here in Canada….eh?…lol…the projects are still pretty decent…now the ghetto…lol….not so much…but it is a place…doesn’t mean it has to be a state of mind…lol…a mental ghetto if you will…lol.
Well we’re going to have to go e-mail…or start keeping these to under 2 paragraphs…or they…the great they…are gonna lynch me in the lobby again…hahaha….but I have so enjoyed talking and reading….they are probably just jealous…lol
Talk soon
Namaste
Amakua(Lori)
To Ellusive Quality
you have a goal and thats awesome i hope it works ….. the best advice i can give is be extreemly flexible with your plan and be yourself dont try to hard people can sence that and it turns them off for some reason.
LORI
the child… his name is NOAH ….. tho i have some miniscule doubts as to wether i am truely the father i have accepted it as fact. i should do the DNA test but since the mom has treated me the way that she has i have not made the effort. she wants nothing to do with me and if the time comes where she expects me to do anything then she can iniate the process. there is the possibility the child could be someone elses but it is only a slight posibilty. i spent 2 weeks with the boy. see when my kids grew up and moved out i wanted nothing more that another child and then along came noah. yes the situation the way it stands is quite taxing on my soul and it would be better to know one way or the other for sure and if hes not mine it would be a relief but if he is mine it would push me completely over the edge and thered be no coming back. its crazy i know hell my reasoning doesnt even make sence to me.
you asked about my birthday.. i will be 45 on aug 28th. and i am interested to know what you will have to say.
as for the toy incident i did talk to my son about that a couple yrs ago and he forgave me but i still can not. it has nothing to do with me being perfect but everything to do with the following…. when it comes to parenting doing your best is never good enough. anyone who says they did their best and believes that is in my opinion not a good parent. …. while raising my kids i got awards from their schools for things like parent of the year. i got them more than once many times infact and each time i was a little bit upset about it because in my eyes i did nothing to warrant such an award. its not like i spent all day at their schools or donated thousands of dollars. all i did was what every single parent should do. i made sure they went to school paid attention was respectful just basic everyday parent things. sure i volenteered from time to time but nothing out of the ordinary. definatly nothing to deserve an award for. i just loved my children with all of my heart and soul and made sure they had every opportunity possible.
earlier you mentioned that you are a minimalist and for the most part in am too. yes there is a tv in this house but its not mine. i own only 1 piece of furniture my art table. i love to draw but the anxiety has taken that away from me i cant concentraite so these days i just sit and look at the table and sigh. i own 1 pair of pants, 2 pair of shoes and about 15 shirts . it doesnt add up right but it is what it is. i have 2 winter coats an old leather jacket i wear all the time and a very nice carhart that my daughter bought me for work but i rarely wear it because i dont want it to get ruined. the fact that she bought it for me makes it more valuable than gold. i carry a wallet my son made me in boy scouts over 13 yrs ago and refuse to get a new one because he made it for me. i am quite sentimental. the only other thing i own is my moms mustang and i fully intend to have it till the day i die. as for anything else materialistic i couldnt care less.
btw atavan gives me a full body rash and never really did much for me. i like klonipin tho. i wish i had some now and hopefully if i can get in to see a dr. at the free clinic i will tell them that i need those. the crap they gave me at the nut house was just that crap. buspar and zoloft and they are not effective at all but i didnt push for a med change while i was there because the level of treatment i received was so poor i just wanted the hell out of there as soon as possible and a med change would have kept me there atleast an additional 2 more weeks. when i can afford it i do smoke marijuana but its not legal here and i havent worked since the end of dec so that will have to wait till when ever. it does help tho. also when i use the word anxiety i usually mean anxiety attacks or panic attacks. the last one i had last a solid 30 days and it wasnt untill i went to the nut house that and got on meds that it actually stopped. ive been out of meds for well over a week now and already i can feel it starting up again. so far it is managable but its not going away.
I enjoyed your story about the baby blanket that was cool to say the least. Noah has my baby blanket. my grandmother made it for me and i used it with my first son and when i was told about noah and went to see him i made sure to take it with me..
Well Mr Ets,
lol…I don’t really mind if you use my xtian name…but do you have to shout…lol..but it may confuse others here…lol…most call me Ama..if that is easier for you…or some others I have been given…like asshat…cocknozzle…oooh I can’t repeat some of them. Well just wow wow wow….I am getting pretty good at this….when I finally get your destiny profile ready to send to you…compare it with my last novella…lol…unbelieveable…and as well I have one lifelong friend…for 38 years so far…and you share a birthday….sorry about your birthstone….not my favourite shade of green…lol…any hoo….I will need your e-mail….are you gonna make me go looking for it?…and you made me do math and figure out the year…man maybe I should verify the math…I suck at math…Aspie here remember…lol…but 1967? That would be our centennial year…why I remember…just shittin ya…lol.
Man you’re preaching to the converted…lol….I am currently unable to work and in the process of applying for a pension but in the meantime I am on social assistance for the first time in my life…how do people survive like this…never mind…I know the truth…they don’t….I told my worker that it was a good thing I am old and disabled…cuz now I know why people become criminals…lol. So I am barebonsing it…i don’t think that’s a word…lol…but running about 5 to 6 hundred short every month…and no benefits…no nothing…it sucks…I do poor pretty well…but my 15 year old is having a hard time adjusting…so we’ve kinda made it a challenge…why not? I got desperate in December…went to the food bank…now what the hell am I supposed to do with a roll of toilet paper and a pill bottle of shampoo and a frozen loaf of bread….how does one make that stretch?…you can’t go back for atleast 2 months…but somehow we get through…mostly by focusing on today. I used relaxation techniques…breathing techniques…music…and any kind of grounding activity or technique to control the anxiety when it was at it’s worst…I was agoraphobic for a while as well…but no quitters here…no sir…and I know that you don’t want to hear this…but you are causing it yourself…by avoiding your deepest fears and beliefs….oh never mind…wait for the Destiny Profile…it could take me a day or two to get it to you…another long story…in December as well…my left arm gave up the ghost….makes everything a lot harder….but not impossible…and keyboarding is maintaining my hand dexterity while the arm appears to be wasting…but the chiro says not to panic…we will work on that next…lol.
I love my Pams…but prefer not to take anything…but right now I also have to be able to focus…so uncle…it’s been about 20 years since the last time…so I have no shame…lol…and while the weed is legal…I don’t like the government weed…so I still have to pay my own way….so it is not always available to me either right now…I think I might grow again this year…why not? Or paint me a big ass sign and stand on the corner….will work for weed…lol. But it’s not so bad…but I have no natural appetite left…anorexia…not nervosa…and my metabolism is downright scary….so I’ve lost quite a bit of weight in the last few months…but I’m working on it…and yes I jumped on the scales fully dressed and in my coat and shoes with keys and coin in the pockets…and tipped the scales at a whopping 130 lbs…so probably 125…I feel best and function best at 145…so almost there…and the pams will help with that as well…I am trying to avoid the weed for the most part…but to smoke recreationally again…that would be soooo awesome…we could meet on the border and have a smoke…lol….almost planting time…oh yeah…and I love dirt and working in dirt…and it is also very grounding…damn shame about the lupus eh?…ah who cares…I just have to be careful…that’s all….but I miss my gardens most of all.
If you want Noah to be yours…then yours he is…me I don’t care about paternity…but don’t lose focus…your reality could change…and then you might be in a position to get some custody or visitation…just keep track of him and don’t lose touch some how…that is what happened to my son…I haven’t seen my oldest grandson since he was 2 and he will be 10 in April…and I am not able to have much to do with my grandaughter Jamiri…she just turned 2…and then of course…the woman killed my newest grandchild…so I just treasure the ones I have all the more….the oldest 2 are 10 and 11 now…and they want hip waders…but will settle for new rubber boots for Easter…we are already planning our next trip into the woods and straight into the creek…we have our own island…where we build shelters…dams…whatever strikes us at the time…we always see something amazing…and we always try to learn something new…Hey I just thought of something…if the shit hits the fan…we can always go to the island…lol. This years focus is on edible plants…wheeee…I can’t wait!!!
Oh yeah…and I was also the koolaid mom…had everyone’s kids at my house…all the friggin time….I just fed and watered them and let them be kids…well unless they needed help…or wanted me to play too…they still tease me quite a bit for not acting my age…but why would I want to?…lol I have raised more kids and step kids and neighbours kids…and friend’s kids…and stranger’s kids….and runaways…and…well you get the point…I love kids…period.
Well we are working towards shorter chapters eh?…so will stop for now…look for your Profile…
Blessed Be
Amakua
Ok Miss Amakua it is hehehehe.
once in a while i will visit the food bank here . they let you go once a month but the quality of what you get is very poor. some of its mouldy when you get it. and at best they give you 2 full meals . but it is better than nothing. I am currently trying to apply for disability more commonly called SSI but its not an easy task. between the mental issues and my COPD qualifying shouldnt be a problem its just that i need a doctor to do some of the paperwork and without insurance none of them want to talk to you.
my email is ets2005a@yahoo.com and yes your math was correct.
you say my anxiety is due to avoiding fears and beliefs now i do not doubt what you say but i can not figure out what it is i am avoiding. i am the type of person that dwells on things and tho i am not much for confrontation i dont “think” i am avoiding anything atleast i am not aware of it. i will say the issues with noah and my mom are constantly on my mind and i do feel helpless to resolve those issues but i am aware of them. there has to be something in my subconscience that is eating at me. i will say i am willing to deal with any and all issues plus whatever else it will take to make this anxiety subside.
i am in the process of writing a book about my issues and about my emphysema its called
“dying is killing me” and recounting some of my adventures did increase my anxiety. also i think living in this house adds to it as well. this was never a happy place and i was gone from this house for over 20 yrs i cant say i was happy but it was no where near as bad as it is now that im back here. ive also noticed that i dont care much for being outside lately which is why i have been forcing myself to go on those late night walks. im not afraid of the anxiety attacks hell ive been dealing with them all of my life i just dont have the motivation to go outside and lately i just dont care. thats a new symptom for me theres lots of things i just dont care about lately. i dont like it.
i need another break but ill be back lol
ETS
HI Amakua
just a little note to let you know FINALLY tomorrow i will be able to pick up my meds .
ill get a 3 week supply which will hold me over till i can see my dr next fri. its a real relief let me tell you
Well if it isn’t Mr. Ets,
I’m starting to feel like little Mary Sunshine today…everyone I talk to has had someting good happen….where’s mine?…lol…just kidding…it’s enough for me today to just be here…lol Too bad we couldn’t figure out how to get em across the border…cuz I can get just about anything prescribed…and I have to fill them for the pharmacy record…but I never take em…just gave away 120 pain killers last week…hahaha I know…weird…but I hate pharmaceuticals…I think I have clonazepam, diazepam and lorazepam currently…hey maybe a bottle…instead of a message…pills…do you think you can correctly calculate the current and direction and find the landing site within 100 feet?…lmao Message in a bottle…or is it time in a bottle?
Have you decided what your name is yet…or what you want me to call you?…not that Mr. Ets is bad or anything…just somehow disrespectful?…i dunno I need atleast two days uninterrupted to start my tranqs…and was hoping for the weekend…but apparently I have the grands again this weekend….so…maybe I’ll try colloidal silver or ionic silver instead…lmao…just gonna leave this one up to God.
Namaste
Amakua
Miss Lori aka Amakua
I would prefer Todd since that is what MY FRIENDS call me.
ive read thru my profile that you sent once so far and have a few questions that i will email to you. sofar tho i recognise quite a bit of what you said in myself and have been pondering it all day today 🙂
cloanzepam if i am not mistaken is klonipin which is what i am trying to get put back on but wont know if they will till next fri. when it comes to pain killers i turn them down as they tend to warp my perspective.
there was a story in the news yesterday that colorado has an issue on the ballot in nov to fully legalise weed and if it passes i will seriously consider moving back there. i miss my children and the mountians very much and the people there in general are about as laid back as you can get. the altitude wreaks havoc on my COPD but thats a price im willing to pay.
did you hear on the news about the shooting at a school here in ohio on monday? 5 kids were shot and 3 of them died a very tradjic event indeed and it triggered an episode for me bringing back memoried of 1982 when i was sitting next to a kid that was killed in class. back then they didnt offer counseling for such things as a matter of fact that tradgey was pretty much swept under the rug at the time. i can still remember it as if it happened yesterday. atleast my parents had the sence to pull me out of that school and sent me out of state to live with my aunt in tennesse where i finished out the school year but even that didnt help very much. i remember i would always sit in the back corner of every class so i could keep an eye on everyone and everything that when on. it was at that time i started smoking weed i was 14 yrs old at the time. i felt so horrible for the kids and their familys here involved in the shooting on monday and can definatly identify with the students who witnessed it all i was also proud of how the school system handeled the situation and yet a part of me was and is jealous because i did not receive any counseling back 30 yrs ago when i was in the same situation. i never liked school to begin with and that situation only reinforced my hatred of school in general.
i took the mustang out for a little ride this evening, the first time its been drove in over a month and she was ready to run hehehehe i smoked the tires a few times but kept it under 100 mph as i was only on the city streets and didnt feel like haveing to run from the cops. it felt good tho.
I myself may not be online tomorrow for once i start taking my zoloft my vision willl get a bit blurry for a while and my concentraition level will drop again. but since ive only been off it for a week and a half i dont expect it will take me long to readjust. needless to say i wont be driving MARGUERITE ( the mustang) for a week or two. i dont want to get in an accident cuz of the meds. that would make me cry like a baby if that happened and i would never be satisfied with the repair job even if it came out 100% perfect i would still know it had been damaged.
well im going to go make something to eat the old appetite hasnt been there at all this week but im starting to feel it now. the meds i get tomorrow will resolve that issue.
i hope your evening is peaceful
Your Friend Todd…. Mr Ets lol
Only your friends? So what do I call you then?…jk
Hey Todd,
Folks will tell you…I don’t care what you call me usually…unless it’s late for dinner…come on…I’ll swim the big pond for ribs…lol
Glad you’ll be medicated again soon…that just sooo doesn’t sound right…but I’m sure you know what is meant…lol
Oh wow…no I didn’t hear…no cable or TV here…wasn’t kidding…that’s horrible and especially for you….PTSD sucks sometimes…was dealing with a 12 year old today who survived a near drowning last summer…and it happened when her father left her alone on the beach to go back to his car to call his woman…and left her lounging on an inner tube on Lake Erie…with the caution flags up…some people…it amazes me they remember to breath…thank god it is wired into their ANS…lol…but she managed to save herself….barely…and with help from strangers…but she called and called for her daddy and she couldn’t find him…after she was rescued…he missed the whole thing…and a near death experience is rough for anyone…but an 11 year old whose father abandoned her to her fate…wow…anything that threatens our mortality before we understand it ourselves…very damaging…but we’re on it…and with unseen help from SP and some of the younger posters…they are soooo friggin smart. Gives me hope for the future…smart…and someday maybe wise as well.
Glad you didn’t name the car Christine…lol…glad you had fun…and real glad help is on the way via the pharmacy. That was funny…I was whining to you…where’s mine…good news…and then I read lilBear’s post…wow…that was what I was looking for…and wow…Sophie is gonna be just fine…vested interest…mother had PPD…post partum depression…so I pretty much raised this one for the first six years of her life…vested interest…and she had so many emotional issues…and was a screamer…that I was the only one that could watch her…so then I became the other mother andthe babysitter…lol. So I’m good now…got my good news today too…lol
Will be waiting for the e-mail…but in the end…remember the rating scale…lol
Namaste
Amakua(Lori)