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Hey you! Out there in the cold, getting lonely getting old, can you feel me?

by Helix

It’s so strange… I mean, the way I feel… Am I depressed? I would say yes, but I ain’t that sure thats the right word to describe it. I got problems, many problems, but I’m forced too much to hide the real me and the things I really feel and I end up thinking that pretending it’s fucking okay for the sake of everyone keeping his quiet balance in his life. That’s fucking unfair, I can’t sacrifice myself just to prevent the people that surround me from breaking their peace.
I can’t convince myself that this is simply my life and this is all about my freeness and my right to be myself.
I used to cut myself, but I had to stop and since then it often happens that I’m on the edge of starting again.
I’m too scared to be myself and this life is killing me, I just think about suicide, every day. I dance with my mind around death trying to get in touch with it. I try to understand what’s the right choice. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of suffering while passing out. I swear, if it wasn’t for what science classifies as “selfpreservation ” I would kill myself without thinking twice.

I’m almost 16 and I don’t actually come from anywhere near the US.
I’m a girl, and the curse I was blessed with is that I’m lesbian, and this scares the shit out of me every single day of my life.
Actually nobody knows it and I don’t really have enough strenght to come out.
And I can hide who I am, but I can’t help my feelings.
Since I’ve fallen in love my life has started to sink. I can’t even imagine how deep I can fall before hitting the bottom.
And I die every day a bit more, I burn, I feel my soul being ripped, I feel the chaos inside me raising and my outer wrapping carrying itself around like a zombie; misleading the rest of the world with its fake smiles.

I fucking love her. She’s different. I feel she is better. But I can’t have her. I can’t even have myself…
I try to be friends, but she can’t understand and I can’t tell her. I’m so afraid to lose her if I come out. Those words we share, her face, her silence, are the only things that truly feed me.
Maybe I only see what I want to see, but I don’t care.

I a few days I’m attending together with my parents a session of “family therapy” with a psychologist. That’s beacause my parents think there’s something not okay between us. I don’t honestly give a fuck about them right now. But I’m going to talk with the doctor on my own too and I really hope this is going to help.

I walk alone, but I can’t walk alone forever.
One day one of the two forces that fight inside me is going to get the upper hand. Pain for what I’m losing from myself, or desperation for a weight I can carry no more.
I’ll be blind till this day comes. And right now I think i’ll be blind forever..
I’m trapped in my mind, I hate it, I don’t care about anything, I wouldn’t regret anybody, except her.

She keeps me here while she silently kills me without realizing hat she’s doing.
I hate her, I love her. She’s everything. The bad, the good.
I’m lost.

 

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molly woppit 2/19/2012 - 2:07 pm

Wow thats alot for a 16 year old to handle do you think you can tell you therapist at least?a burden shared is half the way to dealing with it.im straight and ive fallen for a gay guy in the past hes such a flirt but im also married.sometimes you just have to accept there are things you cant have i realise you cant just turn love off but if you want to keep the relationship with this girl try not to scare her.you are only young so dont be in a rush to come out take your time i thought for a long time i might be gay but ive never fallen in love with a woman so theres my answer take things slow and youll be ok..

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