I don’t know what to do :(

I was thinkin in a way to start telling you the way I feel everyday.But now, right now, I don’t feel good. And I have to explain that because if I don’t say anything it will be worst.

Three years ago, I knew a girl. She is a writer, I love how she write. One year ago, I talk to her for first time. I told her that I liked her. She doesn’t knew me, and I don’t knew her, but it was the truth. Months passed, and we keep talking. I got along with her. Over time, we know each other. I fell in love with her. She was confused. After a fight that we had, we stoped talking (she said me that I was paranoid, and again she told me that she was confused with her feelings) and three weeks later she got a girlfriend. I was devastated. She broke my heart. Two months later, November 19, she sent me a messaje to my cell phone. She said me that she want to die. I called her. We talk for an hour, and she said me thanks. Because she realiced that when she feels bad calls me, but when she was feeling happy too. I was so happy. She filled me with hope and dreams. After that, things continued in a normal course.

December 27, we meet. Oh, that day I was the happiest girl in all world. That day I became her girlfriend. Things were normal again. Better than normal. I didn’t cut me. I don’t need it. I have hope in that if we were together all wold be fine. But, like ever, I felt alone every time. I feel that… I wasn’t important to her, like her to me. May be it was because I am sensitive and I haven’t affection here (we live far), I need to feel that she cares, or maybe it’s because I hurt easy. So, she always make me feel like I am the dominated little girl. I cry a lot… almost everyday, because that.

And know, when I was thinkin about what could I give her for Valentine’s Day… Precisely ten minutes ago, she told me, AGAIN, that she is confused with her feelings. She told me that she loves me, and she told me that she doesn’t want me to doubt that, but, How could I not doubt about her words if she is always confused?

Confused, confused.

She doesn’t love me. Why doesn’t she said that to me? I don’t want to cry for her anymore, I don’t want to spend more sleepless nights wondering why she acts that way with me, I don’t want to cut myself anymore, I don’t want her to fill me with false illusions, I don’t want this anymore… I love her so much…….. Please, help me, I don’t know what to do, I want to cut myself, I can’t stand this anymore.