Even as a child I knew how my life would end, I used to think it would be before my 21st birthday. My 23rd birthday is next month, I cant count how many failed attempts I have had. I do know that I am better educated now, I know what will and wont work, how much I should take and when to take it. I have a generalized date set, it wont be until after my birthday, it would be selfish to do it sooner. I have chosen to overdose, I have the medications I need. The money for a hotel room. I am calm and did not decide to commit suicide while overly emotional, I have tried many medications and many different types of therapy. My therapist now is wonderful and yet life is still as empty and pointless as it always has been for me. I had a great boyfriend, I pushed him away told him that I was just using him, so it wont hurt as much when he finds out that I killed myself. I would rather have him hate me than feel like he could have done more to save me. I feel sad for the pain that I will cause my family, but the emptiness and hopelessness I feel outweigh the sadness I feel at causing others pain. I don’t expect anyone who loves me to understand. They know that I suffer and that even going outside causes me to go into a panic attack. They know the depression I suffer from and how intense my feelings are. But this they wont understand. I cant find happiness or pleasure in anything anymore. Its not that I haven’t tried. I can see peace only in my death. I don’t know why I am even writing this, I guess I just needed to get it out…
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I Feeeel the same way. The ONLY reason I’m here is because of family. but I’m sure (soon) once I get a place of my own (again) I’ll leave. I mean when I’m gone time will be non existent I guess.. and people’s feelings here are the same. I’d just want them to let me go. I’m not a fan of this place.
I wish I had more of a choice. Not to say that you do, you obviously feel that you don’t. I understand how you feel for the most part, but it sounds like you’re not totally sure. You’re fortunate to have your family around you, a boyfriend that you like and a therapist that you appreciate. I have none of that, and that’s how I got to my hopeless situation. The difference now is that I have a concrete situation that I can’t overcome. I used to feel more empty when I was younger. Why don’t you try something different if you think you’re gonna die soon anyway? It sounds like you have a very powerful mind, only if you were to shift your intention. I wish someone had told me that earlier.
Google “Cheri Huber Safe Space Radio suicide”. There’s an interesting podcast that you might appreciate. I wish I could go back in time and listen to it.
Don’t do it.
Take it from someone who has dealt with these thoughts a few years ago. I’ve been there, I’ve sat in the corner of my bathroom crying and staring at a pill bottle in my hand for hours.
My fear of attempting and failing probably held me back more than anything else.
I lived at home and my parents constantly screamed at me, I hated them, my friends didn’t understand me. I didn’t believe in anything and my life looked hopeless. So why hold on? I wasn’t sad about a certain thing like my boyfriend breaking up with me or getting in a fight with a friend… I was just sad. Not even sad, I just hated being alive and I hated being me.
I thought about ending it all every single fucking day. For years, I struggled with these thoughts.
But something held me back, just like its holding you back. And don’t say there’s not something holding you back or you would not be on this website. You’re scared… and somewhere deep inside of you, you don’t want this.
Life is complicated, and messy and I believe people go through phases, some phases are longer than others.
And I’m not saying you will suddenly make a huge turnaround as the happiest person in the world. Because you won’t. It’s gonna take time.
But make changes, push and try to find something, anything at all to inspire you.
We are all struggling and hurting inside but the emotions we are capable of feeling when we are truly happy can outweigh all of the hurt. Live for beautiful moments and if you can’t think of any go fucking find them.
So read, watch an inspiring movie, go find amazing music and listen to it and take it in. Breathe. Let it fill you up and give you chills, feel alive.
Life isn’t perfect, but you only have one, don’t surrender, because it’s worth the fight.
Did you know that suicide by medication work only at 2% of time? Please, don’t do it. I don’t realy know what you are living now but what I know is that you have a great risk to worsen your case with this method… personnally I have seen my mother suffer for 10 years after a method like that… so I realy dont wish you that. You say that you have a boyfriend who love you.. a therapist that you appreciate, even a familly… So DONT do it… there is alway hope, you can email me at There_is_always_hope@live.ca , it’s gonna be a pleasure for me to listen to you if you want it.
I truly thank you all for your kind comments, the fact of the matter is I dont want to live. I know that others have it much worse than me. I could continue to just exist but I have no will to live. I cant go out in public without having a panic attack, I can no longer support myself, I suffer on a daily basis with mental and physical pain. I just want this life to end. I do appreciate everyone’s concern. As for overdoses working 2% of the time that is true if you do not use one of the methods in peaceful pill or final exit’s book.
Hey FadingAgain,
I can relate….GAD for life….PTSD, OCD, severe depressive disorder…crap….but in my early 30’s I developed agoraphobia….want to know what worked for me? Also I have attempted 7 times…and don’t know too many people that are more intelligent than me….but thank God I know a lot of people that are way smarter than me….not the same thing eh?….but no matter how smart you think you are…if it’s not you’re time….sorry…it’s not your time…and if you have attempted that many times….not you’re time either I’m afraid…so you can continue to hurt yourself and the people that care about you….or you can look for a hand up out of your pit….won’t lie…it ain’t easy….but it does get easier.
Also I am very old and have tried to predict the day of my death since public school as well…couldn’t even imagine that I would live long enough to see the new millenium….didn’t want to…so funny that at the age I predicted….I was told I had less than 6 months to live….wait until someone tries to take your choice away from you….and then see how you come up swinging…lol…ask anyone…we say we want to die….but do we really?….or do we just want to stop suffering?….let me know what you think
Namaste
Amakua