I only seek death

I posted this on another suicide forum also, just in case no one responds/cares etc.

I’ve been feeling suicidal all year. I’m a senior in high school. I only have one  more year until I’m out of here. I dont know why I always have to fuck everything up. No one notices I’m depressed because I’m excellent at hiding myself.  I withdrew from my friends and read Sylvia Plath’s journals everyday in the corner of the library.  I think about starving myself to death or overdosing on advil. I want to slit my wrists. But then I think about my little brother, and I just. He’s the only reason I can’t bring myself to do anything, it’s so frustrating. One day it won’t matter. One day soon. I plagiarized an entire paper for my physics class. I didn’t take a few paragraphs, I, word for word, from 3 different sources stole a paper from online and turned it in. The few teachers that had the slightest ounce of respect for  me now, have none. My parents fucking hate me, but I FUCKING hate them anyway.  I don’t know why I did it, all I know is that I’m the dumbest, most untalented pieces of horseshit in the entire world. I’ve never been good enough for my private school, and now everyone knows it. Now it’s just re-enforced. Part of me hopes I get kicked out so I can just go escape to a different city or country. I want to get some drugs, and alcohol. I just want to die and cry forever. I want to be numb and darkness forever and I don’t understand how I’m even living right now.  Everything is just exploding in my face and I just can’t breathe or comprehend what is happening. I have no idea what I want or what I want my future to be. Everything felt relatively solid but it was an illusion. I don’t want to be saved, I just want to die, I just need a break or an escape or a permanent end.