I Tried… {Venting}

I tried to become a better person. To stop the things that make me hate myself so much.

I talked about this before but it’s starting to become a big problem again.

Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I’m so disgusted with myself and the situation.

I just made it to partner 32, yay for the whore!

I was doing so well, three months. No sex. I was so proud of myself. But then they came back. And because I’ve been avoiding instead of dealing with the problem directly I crumbled.

I did say no, I did move his hand when he tried to touch me. I tried but didn’t try hard enough. And I faked it. haha.

I was thinking to myself, ask for a condom, just ask for the fucking condom stupid! But I said nothing. I just laid there and let it happen.

I mean I might as well start getting paid for this stuff. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t gotten pregnant yet.

Guess Ill take the stupid plan B and get to bleeding and cramping and all that awful stuff. LOL I have taken Plan B more times than should be allowed. Think I’m going to ruin my chances of having kids in the future.

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And I’m really trying to get independent. Find a job and my own place. Because living at home I’m getting belittled everyday. I’ve already started looking for apartments but I need a job bad.

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I think about dying all the time. Not killing myself because I don’t think I’m capable of it but I do imagine how I would go out. How while I’m walking down the street someone would run me over with their truck or I would be shot by a stray bullet. A wire snapping and electrocuting me or strangling me. I think about getting raped and my throat cut, I mean I might as well die that way. I think about someone sneaking into my house while I’m sleeping and killing me. Or the stove being left on and I die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

I honestly believe regardless of words of encouragement that I am a big waste of space and energy. When I reflect on my life that’s all I see. Even in the present I’m not seeing anything worth while. People say forget about the past or learn from it, I try but I keep failing.