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Lost and Unwanted

by orchid92

I’m new here so I guess I’ll start with some history. I have three half-blood brothers, and one full-blood brother. I have one half-blood sister and a woman I consider to be my sister, but really isn’t. My parents passed away. My mother when I was two. My dad when I was eight. I was molested when I was nine. I lived with a very sadistic and controlling woman for about four years. I then moved in with my brother, when I was twelve. He taught me how to live, how to love, and how to be a good person. I’m now in college. I’m a sophomore. I have maybe two friends. I have a boyfriend, but we have a seriously unstable relationship. And I hate every second of my life.

I know what you’re thinking. “She kind of has her life together. In college, boyfriend, a few friends.” But it isn’t like that. I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own life. Sometimes I want to tell my friends how petty and irritating I think they are. I fight so much with my boyfriend that I’m just becoming numb towards our relationship. I hate college life and I barely do anything. My brother has been laid off, I think, four times last year and I had to get two jobs so I could barely survive. My “sister” is going to move away soon and, like my brother, she is a huge part of my life. My brother is so poor he can’t even afford to drive down to the school to visit me. Last year, I failed a bunch of courses, barely went to class, and barely left my room. I slept all day and stood up all night. I rarely got dressed or did my hair. I never talked to anyone. And I lost the will to try.

Now to get to the reason why I’m here. I have been hurting myself since senior year, when the stress of getting into college started taking its toll. I don’t do it often but when it does happen I feel like my skin is on fire and I just want the pain and anger to stop. I went to the hospital last year for taking too many diet pills because I felt fat and ugly. And well — I guess that’s my story up to this very moment. Right now, I’m listening to Three Days Grace – No more. It’s kind of my anthem, lately. The chorus goes like this: “No more! I just can’t live no more! I can’t take, can’t take it. No more! What do we stand for when we all live in fear?” I’m sure the actual meaning of this song isn’t suicide, but that’s just where my mind goes. I’ve been sitting up all night thinking about how I never get invited anywhere and how I’m losing all my friends. You see, I tried to join a sorority last year with my friend and when I decided to quit, she stopped talking to me. Some friend, huh? It wasn’t until she abandoned me did I realize how small my group of friends is. I have two friends and a few acquaintances. My boyfriend and I fight every week and I feel like I’m only with him because he is the only person who will deal with me and I don’t want to be alone. And he probably just wants me for sex. The weird part is: I really thought this semester would be different. I thought if I was positive, I would make friends, get good grades, and feel good. When I was a kid, I got the best grades, had a lot more friends, and was definitely more chipper. Now, I just can’t find the point of living. I feel like my purpose was to be my mother’s last wish, since she never had a girl. (The half-sister I have, and barely speak to, is from my father’s side of the family.) And now that I’ve served that purpose, what’s my point for living? I would commit suicide except I don’t want to cause problems for my brother and sister. So here I am. I feel like I have no answers and nobody. Nobody who understands me, nobody who wants me, nobody who cares for me. People’s lives would go unchanged if I just faded away into nothingness, and I just want to be free.

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Life Death 2/13/2012 - 8:46 am

Stop, think about what you are going to do, to end your life thats huge! I am writing nearly conclusive evidence that heaven and hell do not exist it just blackness eternal blackness you cant think breath love care share. you are just nothing when you end your life no rencarnation no meeting loved ones just blackness, Please email me at life.death111@yahoo.co.uk, please do, i can help

causeway 2/13/2012 - 6:30 pm

I was like that at university – didn’t go to classes, no interest, lay in bed mostly, and was involved in an extremely dysfunctional relationship. At some points in your life you are expected to do things, and because of your mental state, you just aren’t geared towards them. You might have been earlier, or later, but now now, for Christ’s sake, not now. And it always seems to be now, because we live in the present.

It gets better when you enter a time of your life that your mind is geared towards; you can suddenly engage with what you’re doing and what you want to do. But the hard part is surviving until then, and the difficult parts of that are waiting it out, and not letting other people suck the life out of you.

Your life is more complicated and precious than being your mother’s ‘last wish’. You own it now. It can be as vivid as you can make it or as bland as reading a mixed message into an event that is long gone and out of your control.

Sorry to report that there is no freedom -just varying degrees of cage: people, places, jobs, money… all of them designed to unfree you. You found that out when you were very young. Perhaps if you proceeded with your life in a spirit of conspiracy and incremental rebellion, you might quicken enough to find that the problem doesn’t lie with you at all – it lies with the way this awful world is run; and why should you make your life contingent upon this world’s cruelty. Make your own life depend on those things much more beautiful – your affection for your brother and sister; your self-awareness; your heart.

Best of luck.

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